Buzzkill - Fishkill - Facebook - doesnt really matter any more....

SO and I were having a REALLY great evening last night. We had adult beverages in hand, a firepit going, s'mores were happening... The "The destroyer of all happiness" waltzes in, pokes her head outside. Takes over, and grabs what she wants to stuff in her face.

I was trying not to be upset, so I was chilling, waiting to see what would happen. A few hours earlier, I had come home yesterday, to see my fish in about 1 inch of water again. The tube for the pump had been nudged, and dumped all the water out. Luckily I came home in time to fill it up before everyone had died! I was then steaming because the LAST time this had happened - Winona SD18 had let the dog out to run around unsupervised. I specifically told her to NEVER let him loose unsupervised. But, she knows better, OKAY? The last time this had happened, the roaming dog had nudged away the pump tube.

Additionally, earlier Winona SD18, had left all her pancake making dishes in the sink again, still mucky with batter and all the other stuff just sitting there waving at me. She now goes to school at community college, until 8 in the evening, so I just decided to dump them on her bed. I did not want to look at them all evening. And the poor fish. I waited to get the story, and of course she denies letting the dog out to roam, stating that "she had left when CLove left". A bald-faced lie, I know because she made her darn pancakes after I left. She has plenty of time to mess around by herself in the house, and then waltz off to school.

Of course, SO did not make any comments about dishes, lies, or almost drowned fish. Just gives her some goodies. We argue, we go to sleep angry, barely make up in the morning, and he comes at me with :"Ill just post on Facebook today 'what should you do if your partner doesn't love your child?' and lets see what comments I get!"

I thought of some good facebook comments to add to his post:
- photo of pigsty room, with dirty dishes, and clothes everywhere, with a caption "And this is that childs room, what would you do?"
- "And what would you do if your partner has a child that lies and steals, and calls you names, and makes things up about you, would you stay?"

Any new ones?

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Comments

"What if your partner's adult

"What if your partner's adult child is a worthless POS?"

Lazy, rude, dirty,

Lazy, rude, dirty, POS....amendment.

What would you do if your

What would you do if your partner posted personal stuff on facebook?

ESMOD - thats a good one!

Yes to what ESMOD

Yes to what ESMOD said.

That's exactly what I would reply with.

These guys truly have no clue

These guys truly have no clue how terribly below the norm their kids are. The only woman who could come into that situation and not go nuts is a woman like Winona herself. So if he wants to date a lying, stealing slob he might have a chance at the bliss he thinks he's missing.

On occasion I have told my dh "If you think another woman wants to be xyz at by a teen girl, you have my blessing. Have at it."

I think (hope) it has given him a bit of perspective.

If your partner puts that on FB go ahead with the photos. It will be quite something if your relationship survives an FB battle. But if he puts such an insulting and assaulting accusation out there it will be a miracle if your feelings for him don't change. So you can either defend yourself knowing it's doomed or know it's doomed and not defend yourself. I'd probably put the evidence out there.

Chief - him expressing that

Chief - him expressing that feeling - that I need to love his family as it is and what would people think if they KNEW that his partner thinks his CHILD is a LAZY, LYING, POS (yes I said that I will own it), and how it reflects on ME as a bad person, after everything I have gone through with her, has definitely changed feelings.

He somehow thinks that I need to "resonate on this sad fact", but seriously. I was freaked out that my fish almost died - some baby koi that I have been nurturing for almost a year now, and she has to go and lie (a lie about her leaving time, that tells me EVERYTHING she claims is also a lie) - just one more reason I want to leave and run away, screaming! Who wants to live with a liar?

Oh, and be sure to clarify

Oh, and be sure to clarify for FB that this "child" is 18 and no longer in high school. Would really be cruel of him to let everyone believe you are Mrs. Meanie Pants to a 6 year old.

Exactly. He is something of a

Exactly. He is something of a "Crackbook" addict, always on there, and checking to see how many "likes" his fish pictures get. Ahem. I am one of those "everything is happy and look at this cute photo of a sea lion and sunset", type of FBooker. I do not, absolutely do not air my personal life (unless its family photos or photos of me and SO have a FABULOUS time) because the drama is just too low to think about, you know what I mean?

LOL, yes I am meanie to young

LOL, yes I am meanie to young children - I eat them for breakfast dontcha know? But only on Fridays, and every other Monday.

Or I can take an early morning photo of said child, in the morning while she is wondering if the coffee is made, with caption "The CHILD being referenced is 18, and banned from JC Pennys for a year".

Do you think he was seriously

Do you think he was seriously suggesting to post this on social media or do you think he was saying as a way to attack you and how you post here? He might not see the difference and is bitter about the advice you get about his problem "child"

I do not think he was serious

I do not think he was serious about posting on Facebook, but what he said was serious. He is in a partnership with a woman who despises his child. Poor him!!!! What is he to do???? Poor CHILD, poor innocent CHILD, I am soooooo mean!!!!!

He knows I read & post, but hasnt read any of my posts and advice that I receive. I have offered, and he has declined saying that "people can post anything they want, what if they are making all these things up, what if THEY are the PROBLEM, and these folks are simply just control freaks, or making little things, into big things??? You dont really know these people."

He just doesnt realize that these problems and issues that we all discuss together, are largely aimed at finding solutions, and that you can only get so far with family counseling and therapy, and that many counselors and therapists are only trained in one aspect. That many are missing a large piece of the puzzle and that puzzle piece is us - collectively there are years and years of experiences. Is it coincidence that the stories from so many people, from all over the WORLD, are so incredibly similar? Are we ALL just making it up, together, in the same ways?

Our pain is real, our troubles are real, but all are largely dismissed and unacknowledged. Add to that, many of us are childless so we get shot down, because we "dont know anything about parenting". I told SO, that all I am asking is that he PLEASE PARENT HIS CHILD, and his response was "what do you mean? Are you saying that I am not a parent?"

I am using language he is unfamiliar with. Being a parent and Parenting are two separate independent activities. One is adjective, one is verb. My challenge is in translating what I have LEARNED (no experience = lack of credibility)into his language.

Yes, Bright, he is an

Yes, Bright, he is an excellent provider, and tells me that he has tried everything he could think of, everything that I have suggested, and still nothing has provided a solution. So he lets things slide, hoping that sometime soon we can move out and start fresh, and he can place her with one of his sisters.

He has stopped with the expectations, because it is always such a huge battle, and fight, every single time.

Photos with caption: "Fallout

Photos with caption:
"Fallout from Feral 18 yr old "unloved child"-Result of Failed Parenting"

LOL. Great add!

I nipped that "you're

I nipped that "you're childless what do you know" vibe a long time ago with "so that makes bm and expert?"

The look on his face was priceless. Never heard that crapola again.

Today I responded with: "I

Today I responded with:
"I dont need to have raised a child to know the basics such as, 'hold them accountable for their actions, follow up on rules, be firm, dont get into a screamfest and then do nothing. Have repercussions, dont allow your children to disrespect you or other people..."

That one drew silence.

Chief - it is really some basic stuff! You know, like 'dont allow your child to lie, steal, yell at you, hit someone, without some kind of punishment when they do.'

This is proving very challenging for him to grasp.

I just thought I was having a breakthrough and then last night happens, and its 5 "steps" forward and 20 "steps" backward.

ugh.

" I wouldn't love my OWN

" I wouldn't love my OWN child if she left dirty dishes all over the place and acted like this is La Qunita CLove. Also if she answered back to me and expected me to support her lifestyle while not contributing a cent or physical effort to help out. I would also cringe and retaliate if said child berated her stepfather and used filthy language in his presence not to mention name calling. Yeah,. I wouldn't love my child who behaves like that."

Yep. I just got called a

Yep. I just got called a "b!tch" this morning too. Its the lowest form of argument, to use foul language, and because she cant think above a 5th graders level, sometimes, being so emotionally stunted, she has problems with any type of sophisticated arguments.

Um. If I had a loving partner

Um. If I had a loving partner who "didn't love my grown ass child" I think I'd be very grateful to him/her for allowing said grown up to live with us and for sticking with me...

CLove - tell us your husbands

CLove - tell us your husbands name and we will go and answer him truthfully.....

What's your grown daughter still doing at home, even if in college why is she not working part time

Why does your daughter despise her SM and call her names? Did you not teach your daughter to respect adults?

Why did you never taught your daughter hygiene?

Why do you think your partner should love your child, it's not her child....

Update - she got a VERY

Update - she got a VERY partime job (2 days per week, around 4 hours shift each) at a Dennys (chain of lower-end restaurants)

But YES. I told her this morning "Do NOT disrespect me!"

Goodness knows my SO has tried with the higiene thing - he is very clean - she refuses! She hasnt even brushed her teeth in however long (I know because I bought a new tube for the bathroom she used and it is untouched a few months later!)

Acra - I think that folks who exist outside of our world, really have no clue about our reality. The bio parents just think its going to be hunky dory, and why cant we get along with their DNA samples???

LOL. too funny.

He has simply given up. I am

He has simply given up. I am still fighting - to keep the house in order, to keep the respect in order, and to keep everything moving forward.

She is lost, to me and him. She refuses to take any accountability, and continues playing the victim.

Or take a photo of her filthy

Or take a photo of her filthy room and lifestyle and post it back to him and state "This is why. And this doesn't include the hitting and name calling at your wife."

'what should you do if your

'what should you do if your partner doesn't love your child?'

Does he know how stupid that sounds? Nobody is required to love somebody elses children, not even if you love that person.

I did not agree to love my husband's kids, just because I love him. I accepted the fact that he has kids but how I feel about them is based on them as people and their actions, not the fact that they have DH's DNA. Not loving someone does not equal hating them or abusing them, so....big deal if you don't love his child.

If he wants a question answered, and some insight, maybe he should ask 'what should you do if your 18 year old daughter lies, steals, is a lazy slob, and is disrespectful to your home and almost everyone they encounter?' Those answers would be interesting.

I really and truly think that

I really and truly think that anyone who is not in this world, who is not familiar with this "language" would think the same way. I think a lot of folks, feel that if they have a child then their partner should "love" that child as their own, no matter what. This "cognitive dissonance", for lack of a better word, between what is "thought" and "expected" and what is "real in our experience", is where much of the conflict with our loved ones occur.

These bio parents have raised these children, love them with all their hearts, and the home is broken to pieces. All kinds of fallout. And what is left is used to create another new reality. And this NEW reality collides (sometimes violently, sometimes subversively) with the OLD reality. The new reality tries to blend with the old, and it doesnt fit.

This is why many people wait for a long time to re-marry. Or dont wait. Either way, blending doesnt seem to be easy. But the bio parents THINK it should just HAPPEN, effortlessly, and if it doesnt happen effortlessly, and seamlessly, there needs to be someone to blame. Cannot blame the poor children of divorce. Cannot blame the other spouse. So who is left, blinking out the smoke of warfare from our teary, bloodshot eyes? Us.

Yes, everyone would line up -

Yes, everyone would line up - especially the local drug addicts.

Sorry, but I'm not sorry.

Sorry, but I'm not sorry. What bloody sh!t!!! Why in the ever living HE!! do I have to love YOUR child?? Do you love MY parents? Do you love MY siblings?? Do you love MY friends??? DO YOU LOVE MY FISH/CAT/DOG/HAMSTER/SNAKE/TURTLE/PET ROCK???

What is this OBSESSION with bioparents that stepparents must LOVE their children? For pity's sake, when you have shiftless, lazy, whining, lying, thieving, impolite SNOTWADS, what makes them loveable?? Because they contain your DNA??

I'm going to barf now.