Easter Bunny Tattoo anyone?
Referencing something my Dad just texted me. Hes a comedian.
So, as of Tuesday when the incident happened, much has gone through my head. Reading the comments "Divorce the abusing a$$hole" seems to be the consensus and where things are headed. A natural conclusion.
But I need to share something with you all, you who have joined me on this journey.
Some thing HAS changed. Ive read about the cycle of abuse, and it reads like my life with Husband. Lets give him a name. Husband just doesnt feel right. Lets call him - Fish-Head. Ive also been reading about "the rage". He and I have talked about it. He doesnt think there is anything wrong with his what I call "rage mode". When he went to prison at the age of 20, he went through all kinds of phychiatric evaluations, and he claims they couldnt find anything wrong with him. But hes either figured out how to game the phsychology system, or things have changed much since then.
https://www.webmd.com/mental-health/what-is-intermittent-explosive-disorder
This sounds like what I am dealing with. More on that later.
Last night, I came home after work, I rested, Princess Powersulk and FH came home later. FH rubbed CBD cream on my neck. I gave him a modified Dr report - slightly exaggerated to make me more "victim like" to activate his protection mode. Thanks Ex JM. We watched netflix tv, a movie called "mend the line" - heartwarming for me, fly fishing for him. He cried I cried I reccomend it. He cooked us all dinner. PPS washed her own dishes then slithered off to "her" room, called out "Goodnight DAD, Love you DAD". I just looked at him and smiled, FH just looked at me and said "Im sorry she did that, Im really sorry she did not acknowledge you..."
I just shrugged (its a trap). Said nothing. he added "I think its because she just wants to avoid conflict..." (its a trap - hes presenting her as the shivering victimised child in the corner trembling in fear of nasty stepmonster Clove) and I said "no, its really not...she and I have had MANY conversations about shunning and acknowledging others in the household, many conversations about these dynamics, so no its not..." end of convo, Im disengaged from the emotions of it but NOT going to relinquish the concept that she is NOT the poor little afraid vitimized child. He NEEDS that picture so he can JUSTIFY his raging at me because its JUSTIFIED as PROTECTION. It was NOT justified and I want his brain to get that. I know HER brain is getting what I told her Tuesday night. About our relationship, trust, and me having authority over my own home. I did have the opportunity to tell her "my home my rules, you want to make your own rules, get your own home..." I never attacked her, in any way. I approached her with simple concepts and directness.
While I have FH in this mode of calmly leaving me the heck alone, we will get through Tax Season.
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Comments
The reason the doctors ne er
The reason the doctors ne er found anything wrong with him is incredibly simple - he's an arse.
What he's doing to you right now is somewhere between love-bombing and hoovering you back in. Don't let him fool you, CLove.
I know this to be true
Hes definitely an A$$ all caps, however someone had mentioned that he sounded bi-polar and maybe thats what I have to prepare myself for. He is an impulsive shopper, and spender. He gets high on the regular. He drinks on the regular. He claims that he goes into rage mode at work when something doesnt work out but he has to keep it more on the downlow with new job.
I think there is definitely a BIG possibility that I am dealing with mental illness.
I need to figure out how to navigate these things with peace and strength and a measure of smartness. He wont be physically violent but he might be crazy, and I need to know what Im dealing with.
Yeah, theres been zero intimacy with him, and hes generally a "regular" guy. So theres that (good thing).
He's been treating me like a shy fish. Put something that smells good on the baited hook (CBD for my pain,massage, cooking), using gloves so no human smell (not talking about it) then lowering the line in and jerking the line a little, but not too much (letting me know where he is and when hes going to be late, making sure Im going to be ok, encouraging DR visit). When Im back on the "hook" he will jerk it hard (taxes), reel me in flopping around, and im back in the bucket. And the cycle continues, until Im so small I dont know who that person is anymore.
Whatever is wrong with him,
Whatever is wrong with him, don't cater to him. He's been an arse to you for years, it's time for you to put YOU first. Never lose sight of your future without the stress, the covert insults, the abusive behavior.
Umm, no, YOU are not dealing
Umm, no, YOU are not dealing with mental illness, HE is.
He has used you and lied to you for years. It's time to stop being Pollyanna, CLove, and start thinking of yourself and your future.
You’ve said in the past your
You’ve said in the past your H is an ex addict, so a lot of his “issues” don’t sound uncommon from somebody who cooked their brain for periods of time.
Look.. the reality is that it
Look.. the reality is that it doesn't matter what HE is dealing with here.. it matters not one bit. It doesn't matter what the reason is that the rattlesnake bit you.. .. all that matters is you are bit.. and you need to get "treatment" for that bite.. and "stay the heck away from rattlesnakes". My EXH had some issues with anger and impulse control.. did it really matter that he had a reason.. ie excuse for being a jerk and treating me poorly.. saying mean things? NOPE.. the result was I was still hurt by the treatment.. and my choice was to stay or leave.. (I left).
I don't know what this mythical "taxes" thing is you are concerned about.. are you wanting the refund? if so.. like how much is it.. is a couple thousand worth your actual health?
In the end.. the reason he is the way he is doesn't matter.. he seems to have zero inclination to improve.. and he just manipulates and gas lights you..
Please don't mistake absence of drama for things improving... there are always lulls between waves and storms.. being in the bottom of the trough doesn't mean there isn't something looming.
And.. sure.. mental health issues might well run in his family.. it might "explain" his kid's behavior too.. but it is no EXCUSE to allow yourself to repeatedly be victimized.
You have even said.. you are the bus driver that runs yourself over.. you are fine being the bad guy.. even if it means you are the victim.. I don't know why you want to accept abuse from people that don't deserve you.
CLove, Please don't give him
CLove, Please don't give him an excuse label of some syndrome of the moment. There is this never ending pursuit of pseudo science to try to find an excuse for any deviant bullshit someone perpetrates on others.
While there are certainly some instances where a person legitimately has an actual legitimate syndrome, IMHO the overwheming majority of all of it is excuses marketed to naive people who delusionally grasp at some reason for either their own bullshit or the bullshit they have polluted the world with regarding their kids.
Fish-head is a dick pure and simple. He has propegated his absolute lack of character in his trashy entitled failed semi-human spawn.
On rage, I have struggled with it myself. Pure, snap of the moment, rage. No reason, no nothing. Just rage. I knew that if I did not get it under control it would cost me my family. Not just my then new bride and toddler SS, but my parents, my brother, his family, etc... So, I stopped. I still felt it, I still turned fuscia and my eyes were on the verge of popping out of my head. I just made a different choice on how I enterfaced with the people I care about when I was raging. I just raged on the inside instead of demonstrably.
Then I figured out the why. I know, I am not one to put much value in the why of things when cutting off the what ends the issue. My why was..... massive blood glucose swings. They also cause incredible mood swings. Like zero warning, instant mood flips. Normalizing my BG took care of the overwhelming majority of it. It still does happen though rarely and I never let it out when it does. Intellect solves the problem. The tighter my BG control has been over the years, the more sensitive I am to BG swings. Even moderate ones. So, instead of BG swing driven mood swing rage, I get BG swing drivin grumpy events. Still not cool, but also not headache inducing rage.
When rage makes no sense ..... don't do that.
IMHO, Fish-head's rage is a choice that he makes then follows through on.
Protect yourself.
Be safe.
Thank you
Thank you for sharing that part of your experience. There is a decent chance that I am dealing with garden-variety mental illness. I need to know what Im dealing with while I navigate this new landscape (see above). According to his bloodwork his Blood Glucose is normal and "good". He said that during the one-way shoutfest he felt like he was having a "heart attack", so maybe high blood pressure, but supposedly thats normal too.
Neither of us have been drinking, and our usual "relaxation" has been a few shots of jameson. I relax with wine. Last night I took a sip of wine and did not want any. Maybe my head "explosion" did something to blast me out of my rut I had dug myself into.
My ex husband had a head
My ex husband had a head injury. After that, he was, for lack of a better word, much meaner. But he wouldn't admit it or do anythIng about it. At the time, i was so young i didn't know how to get him the services that may have helped him. It sucks, but the result is that he's kind of a mean guy. I couldn't live with it. If your DH is bipolar, if he won't do anything about it, you're still stuck living with him the way he is.
So don't.
So don't.
Exactly. Whatever the
Exactly. Whatever the diagnosis, it's the behavior that makes them hard to live with. If they can't or won't change the behavior, the choice is to stop living with them. That's what i had to do 14 years ago and have lived in this house by myself with my kids ever since. Home is a peaceful place now.
This right here!
This right here!
People will unfortunately WILL take you for granted and continue or escalate unsavory behaviors if they have no motivation to stop and if they don't think you'll ever withdraw your attention from them (ex. ignoring them, leaving when they act out, or move out from living with them)
I now live by myself (and my bio who is about to leave for college)
SO MUCH more peaceful not arguing over petty stuff
If they can't or won't change
If they can't or won't change the behavior, the choice is to stop living with them.
^^Yep. Their choices are:
Their partners choices when they do not are:
2 comments
1. Blood glucose isn't a constant - it can vary wildly over time.
2. Ditto blood pressure.
3. There is such a thing as late onset diabetes.
When was the last time he had a full checkup? Given his age, he should be seeing his doctor regularly and not dwelling on what he thinks he was told when barely out of his teens.
He doesnt think there is
He can think whatever he wants, but you do not have put up with his rage. If he wants to rage, he can do it alone (or with his barnacle friend). You need to get out of savior mode. You cannot save him who does not want to be saved.
Your husband went to prison
Your husband went to prison at age 20 and received various psychiatric evaluations. How do you know they found nothing? Have you seen the reports? I would be careful to take FH's word on that without proof, especially based on the behavior you have outlined on your blogs. They either found something and he's omitting that details, they didn't evaluate thoroughly enough to find anything, or he really doesn't have an issue (highly unlikely).
I have zero experience in
I have zero experience in this field but I doubt that the prison system has any incentive to actually find mental illnesses that they then have to pay to treat. The tests were probably a box ticking exercise or only looking for the extreme cases.
I worked in a locked down
I worked in a locked down juvenile detention facility and 99% of the kids were on psychiatric meds or placed on them upon intake.
100% of them had DSM mental health diagnoses
....unless their oblivious Disneyland parents removed them (same day) against medical advice
The incentive is to keep them on meds (so the staff isn't overworked dealing with non-stop acute mental health crisis and to increase chances of improving behavioral outcomes), to keep the in-house psychiatrists on payroll, and to keep government funding
It's a business like any other.
But yeah there is like a 1-2% chance he was placed in the facility for no valid mental health reason and psychiatrists determined he didn't need treatment.
It was rare (during my times working there) that I saw well-behaved out of place kids thinking to myself "wtf are you doing here?"
I'm a social worker by trade.
I'm a social worker by trade. The prison system will conduct psychiatric evaluations and provide mental health services if they need to rehabilitate offenders prior to reintegration into society. They have to prove that the offender isn't a danger due to untreated mental health.
To add to the discussion of
To add to the discussion of rage. I have adhd and do occasionally experience and express strong anger/rage. It can come seemingly out of nowhere. I've adhd and emotional disregulation is a known symptom in some cases. Anger can also be a symptom of depression.
You should not have to live with being on the recieving end of it. But something that might make dealing with it slightly easier that I have heard is to treat the person who is expressing rage as you would someone who is drunk. So think ignoring/placating in the moment rather than trying to get to the bottom of it all there and then. Once they are back to their usual selves then is the time to try to address what happened. It might sound like pandering but in that moment he probably has little control of himself so it is safest for you to step away from the situation.
It does not matter if he has a psychiatric problem or not -
It does not matter if he has a psychiatric problem or not - it does not excuse his behavior. It also shouldn't influence your decision to get out of this mess. You are absolutely caught in the cycle-of-violence and the only way to get out of the cycle is to get out of the relationship. There is no need to waste any time trying to understand the "whys" of his behavior. You need to concentrate on getting out of the situation.
You really think the best drs in the world work in prisons
Do you actually think anybody they can find sitting on the curb, because they can't get a job anyplace ekse . are prisons doctors. Mental illness didn't change in 20 years, the way they treat it has , Then again since it doesn't work it will be change again. But a A$$ is a A$$. there is no treatment for that except taping the mouth.
Beside being a A$$ he's a bad parent . He lets SD do what she wants including disrespecting you. Him doing nothing about also is disrespecting you.
his excuses of I don't know what to do is bullsh*t google it
My ex appeared
My ex appeared to have intermittent rage disorder. But that diagnosis is merely a descriptor for someone who throws temper tantrums to get what they want. And often what they want is to feel powerful by upsetting those around them. It's a method of control.
And something to think about - your husband knew he was going to let his daughter have the tattoo thing. He wasn't blindsided and lashing out. It's quite possible that this temper tantrum was planned. And if it was, wow! It upset you so much it sent you to the doctor. And all he had to do was rub your shoulders with something, watch a movie with you and bingo - he's got you back under his thumb. Trust me - I've been right where you are. It won't end until you leave.
My xH = the SAME!
This EXACTLY, Dollbabies! OMG I am sooOOOoo glad I kicked him out, got a divorce, and got FREE from living with that manipulative, game-playing, narcissistic rager.
Freedom is expensive but PRICELESS.
I feel like
I feel like people could justify anyone's behavior and link it to some internet buzz word or psychological condition when it comes down to it. The abuser could use excuses (I felt triggered, it wasn't that bad, I was angry, I had a bad upbringing, you are being sensitive, etc.)
The victim could also have a lot of excuses, they are just an angry person, they don't do it too much, it was only verbal abuse, and they have X disorder....
The question is though how much are you willing to take. If it becomes abusive then any excuses or justifications become moot in my mind.
Abusive behavior is abusive behavior. There is NO justification for it. I feel very strongly on that. I refuse to believe otherwise