It takes time, usually after the skid ages out or is so PASed you never see them again.  I used to want Meth Mouth to die a slow horrible painful death after all the things she did to my DH, me and our kids.  I think once Spawn left and never came back it was easier to just pretend they all didn’t exist.  I was still upset and hurt and angry and I had to work that out on my own and it took time (a few years).  I can say honestly now I just don’t care.  We had somebody share some information with us about Meth Mouth recently and it was like “hmmm yeah sounds about right.”    Don’t feel bad about the grandbabies they are never guaranteed even if you have kids.  You could always look into volunteering to be a big sister if they have that in your area, or look into being a foster parent.   Try not to let the façade of TT interfere with the reality that she is just a broken person with no value or skills and grasps at anything to try and make herself feel better.

Clove we can totally be Golden Girls together. I'm childless by choice - and will be in the same boat. My DH is a bit older than me (not that it couldn't mean I go 1st) but I'm right there with you on the amount of pure loathing I have for HCBM. 
I long for the day my blood pressure doesn't sky rocket at the sight of her name in the inbox. 

I think when you give yourself permission to bow out of the competition.. you will find that your "hatred and loathing" may turn to indifference and pity.

Because... from your time on the board.. it's pretty clear that you have made attempt after attempt to extend your neck for TT, and all the feral skids only to have the door slammed on your neck repeatedly.  You keep trying to come from a point of view where if you do nice things for people then they will be nice to you.

But you further have an innate belief that because you are a "good" person and "better" than TT that you deserve to have a better life than her.. but by all outward appearances TT takes trips (financed irresponsibly I am sure).. doesn't get held accountable.. while you are over there with your nose to the grindstone knocking yourself out.

so.. you have to admit.. even part of it is you are jealous that she appears to have gotten a much better deal than you.. when the reality is.. she may seem to live without the karma bus hitting her.. it's still likely to at some point

and.. honestly.. we can get all wrapped up in the fact that some people just seem to skate through life.. but at the end of the day.. the only life we live is our own and we can fill up our buckets of sorrow if we start comparing our lot to everyone else's..or what we THINK other people have.

So.. to your situation.. you need to figure out how to just ignore.. and not care.. and be indifferent to her.. as long as she is not actively DOING to you.. whatever.. live your life.. she lives hers.  

But for the love of all that is holy.. please stop doing nice things for people that are not ever going to in a million years appreciate that effort.  you aren't getting brownie points for doing FF's taxes.  You aren't getting a gold star for finding MBS a job.. you aren't going to be called BM's BFF and she isn't going to stop being an ahole to you and your DH just because you do some favor for her or her kids.

you have sworn off doing things.. but it seems like time and time again.. you fall back into the pattern of doing something nice for them.. they dissapoint you with their reaction and they continue to treat you as before.. so you end up angry and feeling used.

by now you know how it will end.. you have to figure out how to stop yourself from giving into the urge to be a white knight for these people.

She's not worth your  hate honestly. Who cares what she has. Do you want to be her? I doubt it. 

why can't you afford a vacation? Two working adults and as you said both making nice money could usually afford one vacation a year or couple of short ones. If you don't, it's really nothing to do with TT. Some changes might need to be made on how you guys do things or jobs you work or how you spend your money. You don't need to travel extravagantly. Some trips and locations are pretty affordable. Sure might not be Hawaii but we have 50 states and the whole world outside of the US. And some states are not pricey yet are absolutely gorgeous  

You can't really change anything about what she does or doesn't do. You can only change what you do. There is always someone having more than us with less work but there are always people who are much worse than us. 

TT is a biatch but don't waste mental energy on her 

I don't hate anyone. Except Crazy. With the heat of a thousand fiery suns. With the passion of 1 million slutty romance novels. With...well you get the picture. I am still in the thick of it, taking hits from her though so it's hard to let it go- hoping once they age out it will dim to a slow burn. I do also have a lot of pity and disgust for her, not sure if that helps. lol. Perhaps one day we will let go of the hate!

ESMOD makes good points and I can relate to a lot of what she said, unfortunately. 

and all that stuff...

I relate to this so much.

I worked my behind off my whole life. Worked full time while going to school at night raising 2 kids at the same time. Lived in a rail-road flat the entire time.

She was a SAHM since day 1. Couldn't even get that right. 3 kids and none of them graduated HS. All at one point of the other have had addiction/mental health issues. She  couldn't bother getting up in the morning to get them off to school.

Screwed anything that walked icluding best friends and family members.

She walked away from the marriage with a 2400 sq ft home paid in full and over 300k in cash.

Subsequently, lost the house because she couldn't pay the taxes. She then sold the house for $700.00 for a bus ticket to TX for her and the dick of the day. Yes, you read that right $700.00 dollars.

Left my SO a whole poop ball of a mess to clean up where his kids are concerned. He's still dealing with the residuals.

For the past 13 years my life as been affected by this womens' poor choices and how they relate to SO.

I've spent a whole lot of time resenting the hell out of her.

But, you know what?

I saw her for the 1st time this past weekend in a few years at her daughters wedding.

I'm no longer resentful in fact I felt nothing for her.

She's living alone on SSD in a roach infested 1 room apartment.

Looks like hell and is alone w/o a partner.

Meanwhile, SO and I bought our dream home and moved to paradise. His kids are seeing that I am not so evil after all. Even get some thanks and respect these days.

So, yeah go live your best life and I hope you get to the point of indifference.

Just look in the mirror and smile. You know who you are and exactly who she is!

- Sigh

No disrespect for SAHM but BM also was either SAHM (while kids were at school! Not home) or worked part time. It was more like "stay in bed and smoke mom." Never had to worry about where the money come from.

After divorce she lived with strangers (crying poor) as alimony we paid her wasn't enough and she'd only work minimum wage part time job. DH thought she refused to work full time after divorce because she was "entitled" to alimony. She never had to hussle but do I want to be her? No thanks. Nope. I'd rather have my hard life and be where I am at now than her "easy" life 

I used to be mildly jealous of The Skunk Ape only because she used to never work (or clean or cook for that matter). Her 2nd husband (now an ex) took care of her with his meager income and of course CS from DH. Once the CS stopped and she refused to get a job, 2nd husband divorced her. Last I heard she was living in a motel on the verge of homelessn (perhaps now she's likely sponging off the generosity of friends). So it all came crumbling down on her.

I am also CF (by choice - I never liked kids). Like others said, there's No guarantee even with children. Iposted a blog about this a week ago about a friend of ours who's son isn't available to take his dad to appointments to get him on an organ donor list. The general consensus was that it wasn't his responsibility (moral or otherwise) to help his dad out. So even with kids there's no guarantee they'll be there for you your old age. I guess all that's expected of them is to arrange your nursing home (which I can do myself). I don't LI will even do much more for her father when/if the time comes.

 On another note, I follow the news regarding climate change. London, Australia, and the west is on fire. Rivers are drying up. There's flooding and blackouts. Extreme heat belts forming. Water shortages expected in the next few decades... It only solidified my belief in not having kids. It will be easier just looking out for myself.

I used to hate BM, not because I was jealous of her or her life but because she is a despicable person who destroys other peoples' lives to benefit her own and that's what she tried to do to my DH. Yes, she also takes advantage of government programs and I despise her for that, but she thinks nothing of ruining the lives of others, even her own kids.

Once my SD was emancipated and CS was done, DH refused to have anything to do with her or her drama and she has left us alone. She has absolutely no effect on me.

I still hear about her life from my SD and no matter how she many situations in which she thinks she has come out on top, she is a miserable person who has nothing. Going on her 6th divorce, has no idea how to support herself or where she will live (in her early fifties). She just keeps going around and around in the same cycle.

Don't compare you life to hers, there is no comparison.

earn it going away. Until then, let them learn from your ire that they have earned.

Lather, rinse, repeat.

I am sorry you have had to deal with this for so long.

Take care of you.

I fully understand this feeling. I envy BM in some ways still... She gets the "mom card" so she will always trump me in anything. Even though (you know) never sees her kids, lives a child free life, doesn't support them in any way.. has all these toys (cars, motorcycles, rv) while SO and I are raising the kids.

I always thought I'd have kids but it didn't happen for me.. but yet BM got to pop them out like candy. I'm 36 so if I wanted it to I could leave SO and find someone but I've become childless by choice basically now.. Raising kids is not the same as it used to be.. I see that with skids.. and just the world in general... it's not something I want to do. 

Then I have to remind myself... that her life isn't better then mine.. it's much worse. She's so self absorbed she doesn't see reality for what it is.. it's pathetic.

TT is a waste. Classic dysfunction trickling down to the next generation. You have zero control over this and can not let it eat you alive. Only reason I don't have this was because BM chose not to be a part of her kids lives. However... SS19 has her brain so it didn't matter.. DNA took over. So even if TT wasn't around you can't guarantee it would have been easier.

Stop letting them all get to you... TT, FF, and SD. You can't fix crazy. 

You're a good person Clove. Another suggestion (something I've been thinking about) is volunteer at a local animal shelter. For me, this will bring lots of happiness I just need to find the time. 

The hatred between BM and I is truly epic.  We have Battled for the first several years of my marriage to my DH.  She obviously hated me because DH left her and started seeing me-but she and him were basically roommates after she cheated on him.  He and I were both just screwed over in our marriages (my spouse at the time had a drug problem and didn't work/help)..DH and BM were going to amicable divorce..until she found out about me.  Then in court I was referred to as 'the paramore' in every trial (lasting a year).  She put up a social page about how I was a home wrecker/slut...you name it and it was there (which our kids found one day in school while being taught how to google things..it had been up for years and I didn't know).  She has sent us multiple emails damning me and also explicitly describing that she hoped I bled out and died on the delivery room table-when I was going in to have our son (I have a blood clotting condition and she knew-nice lady huh?).  She was codependent with SD and made her life miserable on many levels..but she is still her super hero. 
These are only some of the crap I've been through with this lady..oh ya, she had conversations with My Mother-about how horrible I am.  
I do hate this woman with my entire soul.  I can deal with her, but I do loathe her.  I go through phases where I'm ok at times and other times if my DH even mentions her in a past memory (usually it's to talk about how nuts she is) I get furious and jealous at times.  No idea why the jealousy, she literally fell on her ass after and had nothing.....still doesn't have much acccept Another failed marriage after DH, child abuse allegations (unfounded of course) and a new baby with 3rd hubby who is much younger and naive (but somehow looks old?! I don't get it..)

I think with time it will get better for anyone who has these feelings.  As sad as it sounds, it's easier to deal with when SD doesn't come around..she hates us currently.  Part of it is that SD IS a mini BM, they are both nuts/lost in life/ manipulative and being around SD is like dealing with BM.  It's frustrating.  I know I likely sound like a horrible person but it's how I feel.  

I hate BM with a white, hot rage that I've never felt for anyone else. Mostly, I hate that she has managed to convince everyone else that she is a martyr and a victim. Also, she gets away with lying all.the.time. She's even committed business and tax fraud multiple time and even though she's a CPA, so couldn't claim she "didn't know" she was committing fraud, she has never had anything bad happen to her. She's basically the exact opposite of everything I feel makes someone a "good person" and yet still gets treated like a saint by DH's family and others around her. She also regularly lies about her income to ensure that DH pays more than he should and then tells Skids that he's paying less than he should. She's also said some terrible things about me - including having her lawyer send a letter saying I was "jealous" of her (as if we are in middle school). 

I think my hatred of her will never go away, but soon enough, I can pretend that she doesn't exist. I already do for the most part. 

She deserves to be run over by the karma bus, but I know that she won't be...I just have to accept that she, like so many others, will never really get what she deserves.

It is a cliche, but time does help. You are still in the midst of it, your anger is normal. When we were in the middle of it and constantly battling BM, I too hated her more than I ever hated anyone ever. Now that we are years removed from it, I feel mostly indifference towards her. If I'm honest, that hate still flares once in a great awhile  if I am "triggered" by something - but I mostly never think about her at all.

I hated our late BM for various reasons but I realize now the biggest reason was that she was DH's first wife and the mother of his children.  There was nothing I could do about those facts.  With hindsight, I can see she, or his experience with her, made him a more mature person.  I dont know if I'd been attracted to his younger, wilder self.

As the years went by and she played little part in our lives, I realized she was just a country girl who came to the "big city" and tried to make her way.  She was no Rhodes Scholar and had no family, her mother had abandoned her and she was raised by a relative.  In her later years, she and hubby #2 had a volatile relationship altho she'd always had volatile relationships with everyone.  She was plagued by various mystery illnesses along with a prescription pill addiction.  The final irony was that her last illness left her disfigured.  I'd been jealous of her looks, tan and beautiful legs for years.

Clove, you might be doing some fantasy thinking.  I was both a SAHM and a career person.  There are downsides to both, the isolation of being a SAHM and the pressures of a career.  As far as expecting care from your kids as you age, that's a toss of the coin.  If your kid turns out to be a jerk or lives far away, its like not having one.  

Your feelings of resentment against TT will fade as time goes on, hard to believe, but they will.  Mine have tho I would never have believed it.

just becaue DH has to pick up the pieces everytime Beaver drops the ball.  I hate the laziness, the entitlement and selfish behavior that Beaver displays.  I hate the fact that Beaver was a SAHM..something I never could be and that she squandered that away by being well just a lazy biotch.  I hate the fact that this fat orange tooth rodent has been a fixture in my marriage and for the most part cause almost all the damn drama in my life.

Don't get me wrong...I also blame DH for this as well...but damn I hate that orange tooth rodent that invades my life on the regular.  I can safely say...I hate her more than I hate the village idiot..and I never thought I would loathe anyone more than the village idiot.

CLove, I've been wanting to post here all week to give you encouragement and just got time. I remember having those same feelings towards BM for a VERY long time. For probably the first decade of DH's and my marriage, it seemed like BM had it made and all we did was work. DH paid her $1200/mo in CS from the beginning (which by 1999 standards was a LOT of money and really, still is.) This was calculated on BM claiming she paid HER mom $800/mo to babysit SSs--who were in school during the day!-while BM worked part-time during the day. (BM's mom kept SSs for FREE during the marriage!) Meanwhile, DH & I were working ourselves silly as young lawyers and our bios had to spend a minimum of 10 hours a day in daycare, also at a premium, but, of course, no one cared about that. Beyond that, BM has always driven a luxury vehicle, and she would take SSs on vacations, and we could afford neither for the longest time, not just due to the CS, but because DH & I both had law school debt plus DH agreed to take their $20k in credit card debt in the divorce.) Things were tight in those early years, which made me resent her so much. 
 

Now CS has been over for 8 years! BM sold the monstrosity of the house she got in the divorce and rents a townhouse. I'm sure her credit cards are maxed out, and we have no credit card debt. She lives a couple hours away, so we never see her, and she's hardly a thought in my mind except for the times she pops up with some issue with one of the SSs every year or so, as I've blogged about. I always knew (hoped) we would get here, and I only wish I could have reassured myself with that knowledge in the throes of those years and not let her take up so much headspace. I know it's easier said than done, but avoiding comparisons to BM and focusing on living your best life in the meantime will help keep you sane. And remember, this, too, shall pass.