It’s really interesting to see how little your DH seems to care or interact with her while she is there.   I mean really he puts in bare minimum parenting, you can’t expect maximum output from the kid when she gets half a$$ed or barely that from each parent.   I know it’s very hard and frustrating for you to be hands off about it when you see she could have so much more….but as this site likes to point out, you can’t care more than the parent.

If it makes you feel better my BS had to take summer school one semester for failing trig.  He said the class was a joke and the teacher had them watch movies all day.  They were given worksheets and as long as they handed them in they passed.

BD16 dragged a$$ getting her learners permit and we hounded her about finishing the online course.  Because she dragged a$$ she was in danger of not having her license start of her junior year and having to take the bus.  BD also has zero clue about what she wants to do after high school.  We recommend to her to start looking into the ASVAB to help or sitting down with her school guidance counselor…so far she’s done nothing.

Clove, you know I raised 2 bios and 3 SKs, right?  If Munchkin was living at my house in those days, she would have fit in with no problem.  Perhaps I had a low bar but it was the norm for teenagers to be lazy, not want to eat with us, squeeze by on their grades and avoid work.  I know there are families with better parents and more motivated kids, Im just telling it like it was.

Perhaps, like our kids, Munchkin will slowly mature and ease into her adult life.  None of our 5 are Nobel Prize winners but, except for SD60, they are living independent adult lives, they are good parents and self-supporting.

The teen years are maddening.  You are on the right track to be focusing more on yourself and realizing we step-parents have very little power.  I'm betting she will slowly mature, perhaps not meet your best expectations, but do okay.

Keeping the burning platform stoked to singe his tail feathers enough to get him to launch worked well for us.

He really is doing very well as an adult.  Though there were a few phases of hte teen years that he nearly did not survive.  Fortunately for him, when I was ready to strangle him, his mom asked that we give  him one more day, when she was ready to strangle him, I asked for one more day.

He is doing great now.  12 years after he launched. Now that he is 30, we probably will let out a sigh of relief.

For a while any way.

It's normal for teens to lack gratitude but the not caring to get license teens are weird. 

Well she is 16. It's weird age. My DD didn't have a job at 16. She was a good student though so no summer school but she had no job either. She is well adjusted educated professional, she is doing great. I don't think my nephews or niece had a job either. Not at 16. They all launched real well. Very successful. My DD didn't care about license at 16. 

Having said that we didn't ignore DD the way your DH and BM do. I think that's where the issue is. No guidance. No role modeling and not much of anything. Sounds like they don't take vacations or travel with the kid anywhere ever or take her places. Why can't her dad plan a trip?

I understand not having a job if you are busy with hobbies and playing sports or other stuff or travel with your parents or going to camp. Something. It's not good that she's doing nothing 

Though i did not get my DL until I was 18.  Not because I didn't want to get my DL, our living situation did not make it convenient or necessary.

My SS did not get his license until he was 18.  Mostlh for the same reasons I did not get mine until 18.  Though he could have gotten it a bit sooner. He was just not interested.  He also was with us so he did not need to drive.

My younger brother got his DL at 16 as well as a car.  I was irked.  But... when my parents asked if I wanted to schlep he and his friends around, I quickly found clarity on that issue.  i am 6 years hte elder and had little interest in being the Uber for my 16yo brother and his buddies.

CLove, I think you need to take a few more steps back. Why didn't your H help her sign up for the driving permit? Why didn't your H help her find a job? His monkey, his circus. And stop looking at those grades lol! *kiss2*

I think you need to think about what happens after 18.  What are your boundaries there about her living situation?  OK if she works and/or does school full time?  Or not at all anymore?  Wherever you land it's time to hammer things out with DH.

What she does for work or school is not your problem.  Where she lives though is.

Are you afraid that if you stop doing these things, she's never going to launch? Because no one else is going to push her to do them?