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More Baby Steps - another update - schoolgate part 2

CLove's picture

Submitted by CLove on Fri, 10/14/2022 - 1:53pm

I think we are progressing!

So, for those who havent seen my posts about skid and school, I am disengaged from kiddo and her schooling, due to my over extending myself (through invitation until I overstepped) and getting a huge drama-filled backlash.

Last night, in conversation, Husband mentioned that he was called to a parent/teacher conference (no avoiding it now!) because he recieved a phone call from a teacher where SD16 PMP is getting an F (there are two, but who is counting, not me...).

Thats for next week. 

All I said was "Im here to support you in what you might need, but I am not involved. But I suspect its because not turning in assignments, not doing the work. Thats what I discovered in conversations with teachers and looking at the parent online app. And here is what I did that got progress". And proceeded to detail all the work and time I spent. As a reminder that he can sit there and tell me this and that, but I was actually in the thick of things for a short span and right or wrong I do have a semblance of understanding.

So...I did send him the current parentvue display of grades and attendance and then a big picture screen that is provided to see progresion towards graduation, which is the big goal. I gave some suggestions (such as keeping her week of parent teacher conferences so she wont be able to escape consequences, and "disappear") and he said "just wait until after the conferences."

STeptalkers. I think I may have done you proud: "I dont need to wait - Im not the one doing anything. Just throwing ideas in your direction. Its not my circus to manage, I just wanted to help enable you to manage the circus."

We have been having ongoing talks about her and her future and lack of motivation. I listen and provide supportive comments. "I know its hard! Its very common in broken homes for this to happen, you arent alone!" I tell him "I understand you arent allowed to parent when it gets to grades and even health issues - and thats very common as well, and its hard and almost impossible to overcome"...

When I picked her up yesterday (Thurs) on my way home she mumbled something about needing to attend saturday school for absence make up, and I slipped and said maybe I could drop her off on my way to something I wanted to do (at 8:15 am? WTF?) and she got a little snotty. So now Im thinking "well the snothead can figure it out or not, Im going to have my morning coffee, do some reading, get ready for my day and take my time to do my own thing (art tour, errands, dropping stuff off, maybe lunch w friend). Why would I gyrate and pretzel-bend my weekend for snotty, sulky and pouty (there are 3 more dwarves to add to the original 7).

Still no permit. Still no word on Miss Lupis-imaginaria. (thanks Rags)

Comments

Aniki-Moderator's picture

Submitted by Aniki-Moderator on Fri, 10/14/2022 - 2:10pm

You've made your suggestions to DH. He has the ball now. Let him run with it. If he wants/needs more input, he can ask for it.

Let Snotty McPoutersulk figure out her ride situation (ala what bus to take). Or she and daddy can brainstorm.

CLove's picture

Submitted by CLove on Fri, 10/14/2022 - 2:37pm

HAAAAAAAAAAAHAAAAAAAAAAAA

love it.

And I was light and breezy, so there was no cause for her to "give the face", and blame my attitude for creating her attitude.

Add to that, I overheard her asking in a bright chipper attitude if she can do some chores for money for a halloween costume. Because still no job of course. She actually came out of her room for that one.

Will be interesting to see what "chores" he comes up with (shall I pop the corn tomorrow?)

Chances are she wont go, because dad wants to go fishing. And unless someone (ehem) approaches me sweetly, Im not going to dive into that pool of murkiness. 

Oh did I mention that Toxic Troll now wants SD16 PMP tested for Lupus too? Her symptom? Shes sore and tired (moving?period?hellow?)

notarelative's picture

Submitted by notarelative on Fri, 10/14/2022 - 7:34pm

Chances are she wont go, because dad wants to go fishing.

I wonder what the penalty is for missing Saturday school.

Winterglow's picture

Submitted by Winterglow on Sat, 10/15/2022 - 10:38am

Even if someone approaches you sweetly, it is not, repeat NOT, your responsibility. If she wants a ride to school, tell her to ask her father. If he chooses to go fishing, it's at the detriment of his daughter's education. Be somewhere else or have something absolutely urgent to do around the time she'd need a ride (make an appointment for something nice for yourself). If you give in just because you were asked nicely, it kind of defeats the purpose of disengaging. The whole point of you disengaging is for your husband to step up and be a parent or, if not, for it to be painfully obvious he doesn't care about his daughter or, at least, that he doesn't care enough. 

Shieldmaiden's picture

Submitted by Shieldmaiden on Fri, 10/14/2022 - 2:14pm

Good job! Sounds like this disengagement thing is working for you. Keep up the good work. Isn't it nice, and such a relief, to hand all this BS back over to DH, where it belongs?  

AlmostGone834's picture

Submitted by AlmostGone834 on Fri, 10/14/2022 - 2:31pm

I like to make them feel the full weight of their decisions. For example...

DH: "I have to go to a parent teacher conference for SD. She has an F"

You: Gee that's too bad. Hopefully she turns her sh-around because she ain't living here and I ain't supporting her if/when she graduates. Well, I'm gonna watch some TV.

DH will have to figure out what the problem is and how to solve it (or not). The more pain he's gotta go through, the more inclined he's gonna be crack down on her so he doesn't have to keep dealing with it. Let him walk blind into the conference. Let the teacher lay it all out for him about what his little darling hasn't been doing. Let him struggle to log on to the parent portal. Let him have to remember to keep track of her grades and if she's doing assignments. If he doesn't, let her fail and let them figure out what to do at that point. 

Just keep reminding him you won't ever live with her or support her if she won't make something of herself. 

CLove's picture

Submitted by CLove on Fri, 10/14/2022 - 2:44pm

Does not mean unconditional tolerance. Its a meme. After reading Rags rendition I googled it Biggrin

Im working up to that revelation. Im thinking at 17, we can talk about the future. Ive set it up by just saying, "if she decides to live with us fulltime I will need to be involved in that conversation" and left it there for now.

His stance is that if she doesnt do the right "thing" whatever that is, assuming graduate and get a license and a job, then he will have to "cut her loose" whatever that means. So hes already there in the support of her if she wont make something of herself.

But thank you for reminder. He will definitely need to figure it out because Ive got a boatload of things on my own plate right now.

AlmostGone834's picture

Submitted by AlmostGone834 on Fri, 10/14/2022 - 2:57pm

Im working up to that revelation. Im thinking at 17, we can talk about the future.

Wait until she does the next (and it will happen eventually) big thing to annoy you. Wait until the next argument you have with her, the next snotty attitude she takes with you and say right then and there to DH "ughh she has such an attitude! I don't think I could ever live with her full time" then the next time, "yeah I definitely couldn't live with her, the way she acts".

Exjuliemccoy's picture

Submitted by Exjuliemccoy on Fri, 10/14/2022 - 3:33pm

CLove, pay close attention to what AlmostGone is saying. It should be highlighted and kept somewhere you can see it every day, because this IS coming your way.

Remember, your H has "lost" one daughter, so when he's faced with screwup #2 asking to live with him because TT's housing situation sucks, all the feelings will hit him and he'll want to be Daddee Savior. You need to plant seeds NOW and going forward; don't wait until she's seventeen. You know how I advise SMs to create a home life that includes nudity and sex in all the public rooms of the home? It's for exactly this reason - so selfish men will prioritize the fun intimate life they enjoy with us over rescuing their stunted kids.

Winter is coming. Start preparing NOW.

CLove's picture

Submitted by CLove on Fri, 10/14/2022 - 3:57pm

Im definitely House Stark. And Winter is definitely coming.

You are spot on. We have had many arguments about "I already lost one daughter, etc etc." Now hes resigned himself to already having lost this younger one. (she looks like a son now...so he "lost the daughter", but still thats his kiddo...)

I dance the line between "fight for her" and "not supporting her after 18 and graduate". The pendulum swings according to how things go with parenting and how she treats me...

Ive tried asking her what she "has planned for the future" and all I get is "still dont know" then pouty mcpouterson...

Ispofacto's picture

Submitted by Ispofacto on Fri, 10/14/2022 - 2:57pm

him: "I was called to a parent/teacher conference because I recieved a phone call from a teacher where PMP is getting an F"

you: "That's nice honey."

EOC

 

CLove's picture

Submitted by CLove on Fri, 10/14/2022 - 3:56pm

I jumped on the parenting crumbs. Thats nice honey...Ill write that out 100 times Biggrin

CajunMom's picture

Submitted by CajunMom on Fri, 10/14/2022 - 5:35pm

It's a process!! And I love how you are moving along through it!!

Me? I'm so disengaged, I'm like ISPOFACTO. If that had been my DH, I'd have said, "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. Hope your meeting goes well." Then silence or onto another subject. I don't get involved, don't ask questions, don't offer help. We are at the point that DH really never tells me anything about his kids unless it's serious or would impact me or us as a couple. 

 

la_dulce_vida's picture

Submitted by la_dulce_vida on Fri, 10/14/2022 - 5:36pm

Might I give one tip to better disengagement?

Validate his feelings, "That's rough, DH. I hope you and the teachers can help SD turn things around. I had a little success a while back. Let me know if you'd like to hear what worked for me."

When you go right into volunteering all that you did and how it worked, it can come off sounding like you were tooting your own horn and maybe letting him know, low key, "See. I told you."

Let him ASK you for pointers. Don't offer them. ((hugs))

CLove's picture

Submitted by CLove on Fri, 10/14/2022 - 6:06pm

Thank you! Yes, looking back I again went into the murky mudness of tooting the horn of over functioning.

la_dulce_vida's picture

Submitted by la_dulce_vida on Fri, 10/14/2022 - 7:59pm

You're making such fantastic progress. Bravo!! I hope you're feeling happier and less anxious overall.

Livingoutloud's picture

Submitted by Livingoutloud on Fri, 10/14/2022 - 7:11pm

Yeah don't give parents parenting advice. It's just a no no. I'd also not tell him what you assume she did or didn't do in her classes. Next time he'll quote you "clove and i think you don't do your work". It will back fire. Don't send him her grades. He can find them if he's interested. If he's not, you can't fix him. He'll throw you under the bus again if you keep engaging. It'll end bad 

 "You have conferences? That's nice. Let's talk about what's for dinner". Why would you even want to talk about her grades. She gets bad grades, she'll survive. Everyone will live. The world will not end. Stay disengaged for your own sake 

I'd also stop using term "broken home". It's outdated term and is considered shaming and offensive to children and their parents. Many members on this site raised their children after divorce or single from the start and I am sure neither they nor their children want their home/homes called "broken". 

 

notarelative's picture

Submitted by notarelative on Fri, 10/14/2022 - 7:31pm

broken home

I have a teacher friend who once said that when a parent would say 'broken home' she'd want to reply that they should get that fixed before winter. 

Harry's picture

Submitted by Harry on Sat, 10/15/2022 - 9:20am

DH is more disengage then you, He putting fishing before his kid.  What a bad disengage parent