No rest for the truant...money dont grow on trees...(edited)
So, this morning, as Im getting my coffee, I decide to go outside and check the mailbox. Inside are some bills and one envelope from the skids high school.
I knew it was going to be something bad...and I opened it. It was a Truancy Report. Apparently, parents can get prosecuted for their child's truancy? WOW. Oh yeah and an absence was reported for yesterday (Oct 17).
Its not like a surprise and Husband didnt know, because when he told me about his impending parent/teacher conference this week (today in fact!) I sent him the absence report as well as grade report. If he was going to actually do this, I wanted no excuses "I didnt know about that..."
So, I opened it, read it, took a snapshot, and went into the bedroom where we was trying to get a few extra moments of rest (haha, aint no rest for the non-parenting parent) and mentioned a letter he should read. "oh what is it?"
So, he will bring it with him. 8 absences means at least 4 times he gets to take her to Saturday School. And I told him he will be responsible for that, not me. Im thinking "why should I suffer because he and his ex toxic troll refuse to parent the child they created together???"
I also mentioned that last weekend I had offered to drop off to Saturday school, and she had gotten snotty so I just blew it off after that.
That means no more offers on the table. Period.
He didnt get any more rest this morning...
(edited to add) Do I even ASK what the absences were even FOR?
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Good. He's been notified now
Good. He's been notified now stay out of it. The only thiing he HAS to know, and tell him when you are alone, relaxed and not p*ssed off at something...."If YSD fails out of high school, is 18, she will not be living with us." Period. That's it.
Im kinda p!ssed off
Her only job, because no paying job and no household contribution, is SCHOOL, and shes failing class and now the unaddressed truancy report. This did not happen overnight.
I didn't get farther then
I didn't get farther then this... stop saying her "only job is school." Her parents are NOT making her go to school.. you stated it was from both sides that's she's missed days.
You involved yourself AGAIN by opening the letter. I'm sure the letter was addressed to "the parents of SD." I know that's how all skids letters from school came...how letters for decades have come...
Your husband can open a letter a read correct? If you use PowerSchool it's the simplest app.. If he checked her grades he WOULD have seen the absences and shouldn't be a surprise to him.
Clove.. I'm not trying to be an a**hole but hold your husband accountable for letting her fail equally to TT considering he DOES have 50/50.
Edit: make your stand now about what happens at 18 or if she doesn't make it thru high school. Be prepared.
I do make him accountable
Im mad at all of them right now...Mostly Husband and Toxic Troll. Also SD16 for giving me attitude when I had offered to drop her off at saturday school.
At what age is the child held accountable for their own absences? Husband always does child transport, on time. He doesnt control Toxic Troll if she keeps her home. This has come as no surprise, the only surprise is that the school is actually presenting repercussions to these things now.
SD is being held accountable,
SD is being held accountable, though, by the school. She is failing classes, she has to go to Saturday school or summer school to make up the work, her dad has been called into a meeting, she may not graduate, etc.
The people NOT holding her accountable are her parents. Your DH isn't even checking up to make sure she is going to school. He is getting blindsided with a parent-teacher meeting. He didn't know about Saturday school, and if he did, he didn't enforce her going.
SD SHOULD be held accountable. But neither of her parents are paying attention beyond dropping her off at the physical location.
He knows
Ive kept him in the loop as to the big picture of things. Hes alerted to saturday school and I THINK he may have taken her once. He had the conference scheduled last week.
HOW should she be held accountable? HOW should the parents?
Yeah, YOU have kept him in
Yeah, YOU have kept him in the loop.
YOU. Not him doing it himself.
First, in order for him to hold her accountable, he needs to actively be involved without your interference. And I mean actively like you were, not actively like he has been in the past/currently.
THEN he reinforces what the school recommends. He takes her to EVERY Saturday school whether she wants to go or not. He walks her into school to make sure she goes into the building.
THEN he forces her on his nights to sit with him to do her homework, then checks it to make sure it's done. Then he follows up later in the week to make sure her work was turned in. Then when it's not or she half-arses it, he follows up with the teacher to make a game plan.
THEN if she still isn't doing what she needs to, he needs to dole out additional consequences. Take away her phone, make her do more chores, etc. Make her redo assignments even if she doesn't get credit for it. Pull her out of traditional schooling and enroll her in a different program. There are a lot of things he can do.
YOU kept him in the loop. But
YOU kept him in the loop. But you aren't the parent. He is. He's not doing his job. He isn't checking her attendance. He went fishing last week and plans going fishing again instead of taking her to Saturday school. He makes YOU do all this. But you aren't the parent.
What Lt. Dad said. Also! SD
What Lt. Dad said. Also! SD is a teen and is going to give attitude... anyone with teens will tell you that... I get the sensitivity with SD though.. stop comparing 10 year old SD to 16 year old SD in your head...
Why should she want to be a better person when her parents aren't creating an environment for her to want to be! Seems like (For her) if her parents don't give a sh*t why should she?
WOWZA
Clove you are handling this perfectly.
Keep on the disengagement.
SD is heading for trouble, welp she is actually there. Remember its not your problem.
I have been reading your blogs I dont always comment you always get awesome advise from members on here. I will add on this one. Do not let SD suck you back with her occassional niceties. Seems like with her she always has an agenda. Be polite, civil, of course, but dont do and dont give your kind heart.
Blessings kind lady.
Thank you!
SD16 hasnt actually been doing any asks of me - mostly Husband, who does the ask. Saturday school will definitely clash with his fishing agenda. And then he will try to negotiate. "Ill detail/fix/work on your car" "Ill pay for your nails"...
I need to stand strong, make other plans and they can figure it out. I no longer am going to participate in this. My caring limbs have been chopped off, and all thats left is apathy.
He is a neglectful parent if
He is a neglectful parent if he continues prioritizing fishing over parenting his child. This is so bizarre it's mind boggling. Don't tolerate it
It's about time
they started punishing these lazy parents for truancy! The Girhippo, aka MOTY, pillar of her community had all three ferals truant for the majority of their schooling, yet no one did anything. Oh we would get COPIES of the warning letters from the school administrators. We wrote back "sorry, nothing we can do since they are 100% with the Gir and you told us at several meetings that NCP opinions don't count."
So they dont ACTUALLY prosecute
I figured. It sure sounded like they were going to pursue SOMETHING...
I figure since Toxic Troll moved, she hasnt seen any letters. I know Husband gets a text everytime an ansence occurs but I dont know if TT does as well.
Depends on the area and
Depends on the area and reasons for the truancy.
We've had truancy laws here for over a decade (maybe even decades at this point). Parents have been arrested and taken before a judge. Usually the punishment is some type of parenting classes at the parents' expense and a "suspended sentence". If the kid has any additional absences, the parents get hauled off to jail.
By the time it hits that point, though, the school has tried to work with the kid and parents. My guess is that the conference is a "warning". My guess also is that SD has already had meetings with her teachers and/or school counselor about it.
Will SD and/or DH get in trouble? Hard to say. TT being unstable and moving may actually make the school be more lenient, at least on SD and TT. May not work out well for DH, though, if they view him as the more stable parent.
No way
The letter mentioned prosecution and that parent needs to go to school with child for a day. Have no idea how aggressively they will pursue this...wish I did because jail time would destroy what we have built together (possibly, I made it so I could carry mortgage by myself if needed), but he would lose his job if he went to jail.
Again, at least around here,
Again, at least around here, parents have to actively bury their head in the sand to be prosecuted. It's a form of educational neglect.
Practice This Line
When they ask you for help/favors: "Nope, sorry, wouldn't want to 'harass' anyone..."
EOC
And let DH get/open his own mail.
whaaaaaahaaaa
I know right? I dont really ever speak to her through her door anymore shes got to come out of her room if I need to speak with her.
The door to her bedroom needs
The door to her bedroom needs to disappear until her grades improve, and her phone, too. But that would require your H to actually care about his daughter's future.
Door and Phone
Door - we tried that with SD23 Feral Forger - didnt work! She just hung out and the stench of her room permeated through out. And then have to hear her singing and playing guitar badly because she wanted to make a point. I got desperate to put that thing back on.
The phone - I agree to taking her phone away. She doesnt need it but this week is her mothers week, and I doubt Toxic Troll will do ANYTHING because POOR WIDDLE BAYBAY.
I figured that comment would come up...
I just didnt want to miss this opportunity, because no one would tell me...
OH darn..his fishing will be interrupted
oh lord...is he fishing for a freaking village?? No one needs to fish that much...and oh well suck it up butter cup....his kid his problem.
He goes fishing
Not always "catching"...yes he needs to suck it up.
The issue is that neither parent is getting on this.
Child in Need of Supervision
If the child is actually refusing to go to school despite parents efforts a Child in Need of Supervision request could stop your DH from serving jail time potentially I think? But I think what really needs to happen is a "Two Parents in need of an a$$ kicking". Wonder if there's a form for that?
You may need to engage long enough to put together some kind of tracker that shows that the vast majority of absences were on BMs time so that the heat turns to her? And then threaten your DH with misery if he screws up what you two have built together on the shrine of being a parental friend!
Calendaring
Ive thought of that...briefly, and then crushed it with "oh well, maybe if he feels enough pain, it will translate to something in his brain, because he doesnt take parenting seriously at all". They escalate gradually. He wont get in trouble until 3rd report. This was first. And she cannot have any more absences or it escalates.
Ha!
About time! We've had a law on the books for a while (it may have since changed as I've been out of the school system for a good while) that held parents accountable for their kids' school attendance. They didn't get jail time but any government assistance could be "targeted." They were also taken to court and fined. It worked.
As Cover1 said, you've done what you needed to do, now stay out of it. I would NOT ask what the absences are for. Hell, I would not ask anything about his kid. A simple 'I'm sorry you are dealing with this; hope it gets fixed" is plenty response, showing empathy yet clearly implying you do not want anymore info nor will you be involved.
Yes, her behaviors may piss you off but work on disengaging from that, too. I have my thoughts about DHs kids and many "shake my head" moments, but I always say to myself, "Not my circus, not my monkeys." As long as their sheningans don't impact me, I'm good. Your DH is getting his Karma. It's a bit late but time to stand up and be a parent to your kid.
Staying out of it
Im happy they are coming down on parents. Now to see if he can sqirm his way out of it without repercussions. He didnt take it seriously to begin with and now hes using the whole "well its on her mothers week".
Im going to write it here because Im going to be staying out of it and shutting my mouth about it. Not even going to ask.
"Husband, so what is the punishment for all this?"
"Husband - this is not a surprise visit, you had all this information you just didnt think they would do anything about it and now they apparently are"
To SD16 Snotty Mc PouterSulk - "guess you will use this as an excuse not to get a job, because Saturday school for the next 2 months, wow how perfect is THAT. For you."
To SMPS - "guess you should have talked about whatever issues you were having instead of planning your Halloween costume"
To SMPS - "Sorry but I wished I cared".
Just needed a bit o fantasy right now...
I stopped reading when you
I stopped reading when you opened a letter NOT addressed to you. You do realize that it's a crime to intentionally open mail addressed to someone else, don't you? *dash1*
So why comment?
I do and Im not really upset about it. Husband sometimes opens my envelopes as well, so its not a one-way situation. I wanted to make things uncomfortable for him and I wanted him to be loaded up for his parent teacher conference today.
But why? Let him go
But why? Let him go unprepared to the meeting and get embarrassed. That's his fault, not yours.
You're obviously still
You're obviously still engaged and not telling him HE needs to step up and parent. Period.Dot. Him. Her father. Not you.
ETA: Lt Dad and wolflady are right. Being unprepared is his fault and you're still engaged. You did MUCH more than anyone should expect. Time to let them sink or swim on their own.
Doesn't make it right you
Doesn't make it right you both doing it.
I followed your posts and you are saying youre disengaged but really you aren't. He needs to fall flat on his face. Let him. Maybe that will be a wake up finally if you don't do any of his job for him..
He is an adult and a parent
He is an adult and a parent and it's fully his job to be prepared for conferences, not yours. He is a parent. Same as kids face natural consequences so should adults. Stop covering up for him. Let him fail and learn
Some Insight
On the mail opening, I see your side as I open stuff with DHs name but only stuff I know pretains to banking, bills, etc and he has no issue with that. Anything else is given to him to open. And especially anything involving his kids.
On the school mail, regardless of engaged or not but especially being disengaged, I would not have opened that but handed it to him and walked away. That is disengagement. Handing the letter to him....you wanting to know nothing about what is in letter...and letting him deal with the implosion.
Continue on your journey. Disengaging is HARD. Ask me how I know! It took me a while to get to where I am. So don't get discouraged. Take the advice given here from some wise women (and men) and continue improving!
Remember...next school letter....from mail box straight to DHs hands unopened.
Big hug. I know you are trying!
Schools always followed up on
Schools always followed up on truancy. It's nothing new. Unless maybe you live in the area where they don't hold parents of minors responsible for children attending school. Everywhere else they do. Parents are responsible. Stepparents aren't. So it's on parents. I understand you feel it's her responsibility but until she reaches age of majority legally her parents are responsible.
i really don't understand why 16 year old is expected to be a model citizen while her dad isn't held responsible for much. For anything child related at least or anything wife related either. He doesn't check grades and attendance (you do), he doesn't even have to open school mail (you do), he doesn't need to prepare for conferences (you preparing him), he doesn't need to stay sober when drops her off (you do), he doesn't need to spend time with the kid but goes fishing instead (you do), he apparently can't even drive her to Saturday school. He's not responsible for anything yet she is expected to be. A kid.
I honestly think she's not that bad taking in consideration she has too uninvolved disinterested parents
And why are you mad? Why are you not disengaging? She missed school. She has to go to Saturday school. What's the big deal? She has parents. It's their job. I understand if your DH normally spends all free time with you and it will mess your plans. But he doesn't anyways. What's the difference? Just go do your own thing. You are mad she didn't want you to drive her to Saturday school last time? But it's not something you need to do anyways. It's parental responsibility.
you really would benefit from disengaging because you are as engaged as possible. Still checking grades school mail getting wired up over everything her school related. Still drive her around and offer to do so even if dad is supposed. Getting mad over her school stuff. You aren't disengaging at all. It feels like you are getting even more engaged now.
" It feels like you are
" It feels like you are getting even more engaged now."
I agree and it worries me because I feel there is no end. Things will just be felt more strongly, fights will be greater, emotions even more frayed... to what end? CLove's health?
Your DH is the problem
He can't understand that being a parent to his DD is more important then fishing. He should get her to Saturday school make sure she actually goes to the class. That a parents job. You are just upsetting everyone. SD for makeing her go to school and DH for makifeng him to be a parent
You are not going to win. Everyone is going to. Make you the problem person. For wanting them all to be adults
That's a good point. Except
That's a good point. Except SD isn't an adult yet she's expected to be while DH isn't required to be one.
And i think DH understands that being a parent is more important, he just doesn't care enough. Plus he was taught for many years that he doesn't have to do the most basic parenting tasks in his household, he has SM for it. Once again it will all be TT's and SD's fault and never his. He also might start blaming SM for not doing this or that