O/T Its me again...coming clean
Sorry folks. I think the more I complain, the more clear things are becoming, thanks to all of you commenting.
I need to come clean.
The cleaning isnt the Real Thing bothering me.
Husband is losing his job in April, and April is fast approaching. Too fast. We talked it over, and he wants to take a month off. There is another job waiting for him, with benefits and retirement and more pay. But, because hes been working so hard for so long (hes only lazy in parenting and husbanding apparently) he needs a break.
Its stressing me out. We agreed that he would continue paying his share of things. He is getting a severance. He is planning on selling vehicles (we currently have 7, and no thats not a typo SEVEN).
So I am probably misdirecting this stress onto the Pigsty.
But I will also take the advice to heart. Disengage. But be firm on boundaries. Dont expect a relationship where none is wanted.
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Comments
Your prior post
I was going to comment on your prior post about the dirty room and your questions about DH cleaning up but I got distracted.
I think the dirty room has some kind of emotional signifigance for you. Probably connected with your traumatic relationship with FF. The bottom line is the hygiene issues have been addressed (enough) but I have a feeling you're still stewing about it.
As you tell others, disengagement is your friend. In the perfect world, our teen SDs would do regular household chores and have normal hygiene habits. But back here in reality, so many of our SDs have ineffective parents and we know our well-meaning stepparent input falls on deaf ears.
When SD61 lived here as a teen, her room was awful. Clothes and junk everywhere. When she finally moved out and i cleaned, I found cat poo in her closet. Why did I never smell it? Probably because there was so much junk piled up, it never hit the air. Flash forward and she's a meticulous, finicky housekeeper. Who knew.
JRI
My first thought when I read your response was that your stepdaughter was basically giving you a big "F you"and her being messy at your home was a very passive aggressive behavior. I think that's why I was so strict with my SD making sure she was always neat here.
You are certainly right
I'm sure she was giving me a big "F you", no question.
Dirty to clean freak
Perhaps that meticulousness is part of her mental illness? I have an aunt like that.
OCD
Yes, she has OCD. Inability to focus where needed, extreme attention to minute unimportant details, doing things repeatedly (cleaning, vacuuming). But OCD is the least of her probs.
I would have no issues
I would have no issues whatsoever with DH taking a month off after years of hard work - IF he had the money (or was selling his own stuff to get the money) to continue our lifestyle AND, most importantly, that good job would still be waiting for him in a month.
If the job he could take now would no longer be available in a month and he wasn't in a field where getting a good job was quick and easy, I'd have a big problem. I understand you being concerned.
Mechanics
In our area mechanics especialy those who have 20 years experience, are highly paid. Hes going to be liquidating (or trying to) 3 cars and a truck. He jokes about getting a job at Mcdonalds...Im like hahhahahaha.
Wow
I wish I could of taken off a month from work. But I could not take the financial hit. I woulder how many of you can just take off a month from work because you work just so hard
Well, CLove said he had
Well, CLove said he had severance pay, although she didn't say how much. I know when my mom was once let go in a RIF she could easily have taken a month off because she got around 8 months of severance. If my DH was leaving his job and decided to take a month off, we'd have a major problem. Everyone's situation is different.
He couldnt/wouldnt
He was unable to tell me anything about amount. He said it would be enough to cover a month off.
We make close to the same amount and Ive seen his paycheck stubs, so Im guessing at least 4k. Hopefully. But that is taxed, I imagine...
As long as he knows he has a
As long as he knows he has a job waiting for him and he can continue paying his portion of the bills, there is nothing wrong with him taking a month off.
What is stressing you out? Do you have doubts about the new job, about him being able to pay his bills for that month, or something else? Sounds like a good reason to sell some of those cars!
Yes, and Yes
I am worried that the new job either will not be there in April or May, or that it wont work out.
Also worried that he wont be able to liquidate the way he thinks and plans. Something always seems to come up.
We have definitely been very clear about him paying his half of everything.
You cannot count on him
You cannot count on him selling vehicles.. and the new job isn't there.. unless he actually has a start date.. real offer.
Do not let him gaslight you on this.
The two non-negotiables for him taking some time between jobs are
1. An accepted job offer with a specific start date.. not a "I'm sure we will" offer.. a real.. one.. if they won't guarantee the job is there in a month.. he doesn't get to take the break.
2. He shows you documentation that proves his severance will cover his share of expenses for the time period that is between stopping his job and starting the new one.
Maybe he only can take a week or two to make sure that job is there.. tough toenails.. he has real life financial obligations to meet.. and he will not risk your household's financial security.
The selling of cars? well.. whatever.. go for it.. would be great to have some savings right?
Savings
And space.
Ill present that to him. I think as the time draws nearer he might start rethinking his strategy.
in the end.. selling cars is
in the end.. selling cars is not an acceptable part of his plan.. nice to do.. but you want cold hard facts and certainty here.
Are you afraid he will become
Are you afraid he will become one of these long-term unemployed guys who lives off his wife (you?) That is a valid concern, as those guys (and gals) do exist. I guess you know him better than any of us do. Is that something you could see happening? Do you think that he might be bullshitting you about the severance and the job offer, and that he might be too lazy to sell the cars as long as you are able to foot the bills?
If not, i would try to trust him. Idk, maybe i'm just tired today, but i've never been unemployed since i was 15. I'm tired. The thought of a month off between jobs sounds nice, as long as the money is there to pay for it.
But....it all comes down to whether you trust him not to become a mooch. Only you know if he has it in him or not.
From her other posts.. I
From her other posts.. I think he has it in him to be a bit lazy and someone she can't rely on. See all the things she has done to overcompensate for him with his kids.. See his desire to take some time between jobs with only a vague plan for how they will make ends meet.. including the "we will sell some vehicles".. which assumes there will be a ready buyer when you need them to be.. his plan also assumes a job will still be available when he goes to get it after that break.
He avoids hard stuff.. actively avoids it... he may well be unemployed longer.. and Clove will fix it for them.
Spot on, pretty much
All that you list. The Great Avoider.
Hes a hard worker in a structured environment.
Hes NOW stating that he wants to try out having his own business, and possibly buying the client list from his retiring bosses.
I dont think that he will be perpetually unemployed
He hasnt not worked his entire life, except when recouperating from surgery back in the day.
Hes not a mooch type, unline Toxic Troll, however I just think things wont go as smoothly as he hopes. The vehicles wont sell, or he wont make much off them, and the job will close...and he will have to take something not so good.
I probed him a bit. The Boss hasnt told him the amount. I believe him.
A month off is pretty reasonable
In my opinion as long as it's financially doable and it sounds like it is. So as long as he's clear it's only a month and he still pays his share of things.