Petty I know - change in visitation schedule
Ugh, yes I know this is very petty, but it gets to the heart of something that creates conflict in our steplives - not being involved in decisions that affect us or even dont affect us in any discernable way.
I commented in a facebook group in response to a post someone made about things that bother us about BM making changes to the schedule at whim. It made me look at something I dont really like thinking about. Why does it bother me so much that Munchkin SD14 wants to change the schedule from Monday-Monday to Wed-Wed?
Firstly this is at the crux of what bothers me in my steplife as a SM. I get no say-so when it comes to a child that I am helping to raise and helping to support, who exists in my home. I was not consulted at all with ANY changes to schedule. I NEVER am.
When Munchkin brought it up to us at dinner, it was "I want to do this and I want to do that, because (insert something that didnt really make sense...)". I interjected "well, it doesnt really affect me...so ok", but wasnt consulted, and I KNOW there would have been a HUGE backlash if I had not concurred. And now Im thinking about it, thinking "hey...what if I had said no?" Would that have been taken into consideration at all? Nope. Would it have been accepted calmly? Nope. Pouty McPouterson would have come out and went to her room never to be seen again for that week.
It just brings out the fact that I hate the fact that BM can request whatever change in schedule and it is mainly honored, DH can request and SD can request. The only person that cannot ever have anything to do with influencing anything to do with this child is moi, cLove.
I know I ebb and flow in the ocean of step life and disengagement, but this is a hard reality and usually Im good at avoiding this kind of kick in the pants.
Thoughts? It really makes no difference right now...we never go out and we dont do anything except work and grocery shop and sleep and eat.
- CLove's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
Your DH should consult you on
Your DH should consult you on these kind of changes, in my opinion.
Thats the kicker
We were at the dinner table, all 3 of us, when SD14 "announced" this. Neither of us were consulted, or asked, it was just what she wanted. I did mention "it is all the same to me..." as did DH. But what is at issue is that we were told what she wanted, and you just cannot say no to her or she pouts and "shuts down" and goes silent.
It just makes me realize the futility of it all that we really have no say-so in our own lives as long as the skids are in it.
DH should have said, "CLove
DH should have said, "CLove and I will talk about it and get back to you." So what if she pouts and sulks. If you give too much weight to that, you create a manipulative person, and she doesn't need help with that.
Last Tuesday
In the moment I froze. And will now discuss with DH, my feelings about this and ask that he say this in the future.
Same here ! It is very
Same here ! It is very frustrating.
VERY
SD14 is very nice, but the fact remains - I have nothing to say when it comes to her.
Probably why I helicopter so much, it gives me a sense of some kind of involvement. Crumbs of involvement.
Its definitely not petty.
It would drive me nuts. I'm a creature of habit and I would hate anything shifting my daily routine without having any input into it. DH should have asked you for your thoughts.
Decompression Monday
Yeah, so now instead of getting anxious/happy on Mondays, I have to adjust to being anxious/happy on Wednesdays.
And then, because I elected to be the "classroom homework helper", and assignments are due either Monday, thursday or friday, I also get to start the week with her, bugging her about turning in assignments. Yuk. I already want to disengage from the whole schoolwork thing.
For me, a big part of it is
For me, a big part of it is children being able to make decisions that are really adult decisions. A child shouldn't be setting their own schedule. They typically aren't managing things, so they don't have to deal with the consequences of the change. Also, the idea that a child can call the shots on things indicates there are no clear boundaries in the household. A lack of boundaries always makes emotionally healthy people feel uncomfortable.
They dont have to deal with ANYTHING
Including consequences. Thats part of being a kid, I guess. But you have a great point.
Ive always hated when the skiddos tried controlling things...
This isn't a SPing issue.
This isn't a SPing issue. This is a "dick spouse" issue.
This isn't petty. Your DH
This isn't petty. Your DH needs to start consulting you on change of schedules.
IMO you are mad because adult
IMO you are mad because adult decisions are not made as a couple if at all. I've followed your story for years and it just doesn't get any better. How much longer are you going to be marginalized by piss poor parenting ?
Decisions made together about skids
From the beginning Ive always been the outsider when it came to decisions regarding skids. And from the beginning I just let it happen.
NOW, Im seeing that my enmeshment issues stem from not being included as a "team member" in the past. Now how to change this dynamic...
My take on it
It sounds to me like both you and DH were blindsided. I know we like to jump on DH for various sins but I'm guessing he was caught unawares, too. Hindsight is 20/20 so sure, there are lots of things he could have said or done. As a SM and BM of 5, there have been a million times when we or I should have responded differently.
I'd look on the bright side. This doesn't seem to be a Toxic Troll issue, the schedule change doesn't affect you either way, and it is supposedly better for Munchkin. Everybody is healthy and life is good.
blindsided
Yes, JRI - this seems to happen a LOT in kidland. He did look like the deer in the headlights.
But Im finding that this has always been an issue from the beginning - Im not included in decisions as part of the "team". So its very triggering to me. I will need to approach this...again. I wonder if its good to discuss when its not happening or while its happenin...
It bothers you because it is
It bothers you because it is wrong. You are one of the adults in the house but your DH "partners" with the skids and BM to decide who comes and goes, and when. It should make you mad.
DH and I had this exact conversation today.
I had to tell him there's no being a team player/ parent when it's convenient, but not wanting to include me on changes that will mostly affect me and my schedule not his.
I broke it down as if he doesn't want to consult with me, that's fine, but he shouldn't expect me to change my schedule anymore to accommodate his choices.
Pretty much this.
Pretty much this.
DH and BM let YSD dictate the schedule, even though it effects their work day, more so DH of course. It's to the point of altering our Monday evening dinner and I told DH that if I don't want to eat at 7 or later I'll fix myself something, but I will not make dinner for the three of us because he has to go get YSD because it's the day/time SHE wants.
He hated this but I stick to it. I get no say you all get no help.
DH does stick to the court
DH does stick to the court order when it's "non-emergent". But the issue is I work in the same city as SS stays, so he felt that I should do the transporting. No thanks. I'm good. If I just happen to be in the area I will but no more making trips just for SS/DH
Clove
Hell NO to the ebb and flow tactic. You need to discuss this with your DH. This affects YOU. Too flipping bad munchkin gets pouty. Pout away princess but you do not get to change at a whim.
I would make a HUGE deal out of this shit storm. Munchkin may be an OK skid in general, but she does not call the shots. You are the queen of your castle, you and DH decide. You can go back on being ok with this. You were blindsighted and now that you mulled this over its not good. If you let this slide Munchkin will attain more power over your home.
You wrote: When Munchkin
You wrote: When Munchkin brought it up to us at dinner, it was "I want to do this and I want to do that, because (insert something that didnt really make sense...)". I interjected "well, it doesnt really affect me...so ok", but wasnt consulted
I'm a bit confused. It sounds to me as though Munchkin bringing this up, was her opeing up the topic for discussion. It wasn't as though she and DH made the plan behind your back and then announced it to you. She made a case for what she wanted. You had an opportunity to respond and you did by telling her that it didn't affect you so you were okay with it. If you felt blindsided by her request, then you and/or DH could have simply said that you would need to discuss it and come to a decision. You say she would have pouted. Well, kids pout when they don't get their way. so what?
How do you wish she had brought it up? What words did she not use that would have made you feel like you were being consulted?
I think its the big picture
I now know (from the comments) what to say for the future. Thank goodness for folks like you!
I think that its a more deep-rooted issue that I am having. You see, since the beginning I have always been the "outsider" when it came to decisions about skiddos. My opinion was never asked. I was just te "live in", and so these patterns even through getting married have continued.
And Im always the first one to tell Munchkin that she can live with us when she is of age. But I will still want to discuss things when that time happens. And be included in the discussions.
My SS10 has tried to get our
My SS10 has tried to get our schedule changed, too. He's never sprung it on us like that, though. A better response, I think, would have been for your DH to say, "CLove and I will talk about it later." I don't see a problem allowing a kid to try to bring up an issue for debate. But the kid's request shouldn't be automatically accepted either. I think it sends the wrong message of who's in charge.
In my case, a couple of years ago, SS told his mom he wanted the switch to be on Saturday instead of Sunday. She then texted DH to tell him and to say that she was fine with it. To his credit, DH immediately asked my opinion and shared his, which I echoed. (SS shouldn't dictate the schedule and Saturday trades would mean no kid-free weekends, which are important to us.) He told BM no way and we heard no more about it.
But, then, we weren't blindsided at the dinner table.
They used to do the same shit
They used to do the same shit to me as well. BM1 would decide Friday one hour before dropping them off or drop them off at the meeting location on random days. BM2 would call the morning of saturdays to drop them off at the meeting location on the same day
Both BMs also would agree to visitation and then turn off their phones
My husband of course didnt mind it at all since he doesnt do any leg work to prepare visits and has no problem with his kids showing up whenever
Then both BMs fkd him over on some child support and now he only follows court ordered visitation schedule!!!
I love it now, i get to plan when i should be out of the house and when i am in the house!!
Get a copy of the court order and show it to your husband and ask him why not follow this? If he says no, then ask him what are the reasons behind it. Also put a calendar on the fridge with the visitation days highlighted based on the court order.
I have studied the court order and know it inside and out and quote it regularly to.my husband when he tries to change up days/hours. If he really insists to get them on additional days, then leave the house and let him deal with their asses!! Once he gets no help or attention, he will realise that its best to follow the court order!
Court order
Has always just said "Monday-Friday" with 50/50 visitation time. BM and DH have always been "creative" with that - started at 2 days on/off. Which drove the skids and myself nuts. THEN for some reason went to 5 days on/off. Which made scheduling fun and keep track funner. Finally, after my advising, we went to week on/off. SO much easier.
And we all can keep track.