confusion as to what marriage means
I made many promises to my husband on our wedding day as did he to me. I don't remember promising him to take care of his kids, helping him take care of himself and his kids. I remember he and I both promising to take care of each other and our marriage. I promised to allow him the space to fulfill his responsibilites to his children, but not at the expense of our marriage. I remember him promising to put me above all others. If a man isn't prepared to do just this, he should have remained single and dedicated his life to his children, not promising another woman that he would dedicate his life to her. There are times when the marriage will have to take a back seat during an emergency, etc., but it is temporary and always with the input of both spouses. I see so many unhappy women on this site who have made their husband's children their responsibility and have willingly taken the back seat and are now wondering why they are so unhappy, why nobody respects them. This is exactly how I started in my marriage. That lasted about a minute. I saw what was going on. But I was scared to speak up, to defend myself. I was scared to death my husband would leave me, choose his kids over me. Guess what? He's still here! This site opened my eyes. It's so politically incorrect! But it's based in realities. Society has convinced stepmothers that we need to step in and fix things, to give unconditionally to not only our husbands but their kids and even our own. Then we wonder why there's nothing left of ourselves, feel used and old. I am truly over-coming the concept that being selfish isn't good. I'm 45 years old, my kids are raised and on a good route. I've done my job. It's time for me now. My husband lead me to believe he wanted all these things, too. He's a bit of an older father, got a late start in life. But for the first time he's been an involved father. I don't let him shirk his responsibilities of his children. He gets angry because I not only expect that of his, I expect him to be a life partner with me. I don't think he truly realized these things when we got married, heck i don't think i did either. but i will not take care of his kids, or allow him to push his kids off on his mom (a whole 'nother blog). well, i don't know where i'm going with all this. it's a process for me and i'm still trying to find my way. we are in marriage counseling now and i think it's going to help if for no other reason than being able to open up. i've been lurking on this site for a long time, just thought it was time i blogged. thanks for listening.
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Hi Cocoa and welcome to the
Hi Cocoa and welcome to the site. I don't post alot as I have had one or two bad experiences with members who don't fully understand how I feel about the step 'cross that I have to bear'.
What you say makes alot of sense to me and I think that you are going in the right direction with your blended family. You are fortunate that the skids don't live with you fulltime, as that is another hell in itself.
All the best to you and hope to see you blogging from time to time.
Regards
MG
i will have to tell our
i will have to tell our marriage counselor the next time he tells me my hubby and his sons are a "package deal". the ceremony i participated in was a wedding, not an adoption. is it so wrong to state i married my husband "despite" his kids? my dh knew he had kids, yet he took on more responsibility by marrying me. i met him around the time i opened up my restaurant. so, he went into this marriage knowing that the restaurant was my baby. i waited until my children were independant to do so. the restaurant has been my lifelong dream. maybe we didn't discuss thoroughly what we wanted from marriage before hand. i for one wasn't even sure what i needed, but i knew what i didn't want. just no way i can be "tied down" to kids at this point in my life. they lived with their mother, i didn't know how crappy she was, how much dh would want to make up for her slack AFTER we were married. it was like a light bulb went off in his head: "i'm married, stable, ready to take on kids". i nipped that in the bud, but i allow him the space to do what he needs to do (having a hard time with him doing all the "making up" for their mother. i don't think he even realised himself what a crappy mother she was until meeting me and my kids. and now, i think he knows he can't do it alone. very overwhelming for him. just feel stuck.
welcome to the site, and MY
welcome to the site, and MY perspective is MUCH different than other's however i was raised a step child with 2 step dad's and personally a step parent that cannot engage and TRY to treat the skids as their own REGARDLESS the hell they are put through by the skid they have no reason being a step parent at all.
i'm on a rollercoaster with my skids, at times they love me to death, at times hate me but they've learned i could really care less when they "hate" me. Treat me with respect and respect you will get back
my personal opinion, when you marry and blend a family, the kids are a package deal, including financial part, emotional, etc (if you can without neglecting your own). my skids even though they've made it clear and so have i that i am NOT their mother know that regardless what they think i AM the MOTHER of MY HOME and they WILL respect me the way my dh and i feel any parent deserves from their child they stil try to rebel at times but it don't get far.
in my opinion, yes, vows are to eachother, but bio parents that stay together don't neglect their kids when the marriage needs worked, they then take on the responsibility of the children too, and to me being a sparent is no excuse....now there is FINE line as to how involved a sparent can be with skids, but that's where the married couple needs to be on the same page and communication is VERY important.
it sucks being a child of divorce and being passed around like a ping pong ball, and there's times i wished everyone would've just shut the hell up and asked me for a change who/how i wanted to spend christmas, and times i wish my dad would've just backed off, and smom had no say so in my opinion what i was going to do for my schedule (that was between her and my dad)
This. Are you kidding me? I
This. Are you kidding me? I think not. Not my kid- Not my ex- Not my financial burden- I married my HUSBAND ONLY. I did not end my vows with , "Till death do us and your ex-wife and kids apart." :O
"my personal opinion, when you marry and blend a family, the kids are a package deal, including financial part, emotional, etc (if you can without neglecting your own). "
"my personal opinion, when
"my personal opinion, when you marry and blend a family, the kids are a package deal, including financial part, emotional, etc (if you can without neglecting your own). "
Then IMO? You should give your stepkids back their room, and buy them some underwear.
Ummm...yeah. What somerg
Ummm...yeah. What somerg typed doesn't exactly jive with the fact that she refuses to buy underwear for her stepchildren for when they stay over.
:? :?
i totally understand that, i
i totally understand that, i have to admit, i'm glad my dh and i are on the same page, he is not ignorant enough to close his eyes and pretend it didn't happen, he see's when my skids treat me bad, adn will not tolerate it from them. he's actually told them if it's THAT BAD for you to come over, then don't, i'm not making you, but don't give me the water works if you miss out cause you didn't want to come cause life is moving on with or without you (they are 13 and 14) they decided after that to speak up more to come over even on chore weekends
I can relate....My wedding
I can relate....My wedding vows and life long commitment were to MY HUSBAND, not his daughter.I agreed to be of support to him while HE RAISES HIS CHILD..I never agreed or vowed to accept any, let alone all of his parental responsibilities or that of her looser mothers!!! The ceremony I participated in was a marriage,not an adoption.
I've told him I will not
I've told him I will not marry until his youngest is 18 and gone. I want to be his wife, not step-mother to his children. We've lived together for about three years now, and have 4 years, 8 months, and 29 days until the youngest is 18.
thatgirl-i don't feel so bad
thatgirl-i don't feel so bad that i too am "counting down the days" until 18.
i was on a different web site and might as been mobbed for "counting down" (really) and the sad part is.......so is dh! and we have 3.5 years on 1 and 4.5 years on #2
I see nothing wrong with
I see nothing wrong with counting down. I didn't start out with this attitude, but as time progressed and I more fully understood the level of disfunction in his family, I had no other choice.
What does marriage mean? I
What does marriage mean?
I will take a shot at answering that question.... Surprise!!!
Marriage is a partnership between two people. They are a team and they deal with everything as a team. Finances, education, housing, cars, vacations, kids, Skids, ILs, Xs ... etc....
I am in the middle as far as how much to take on as a Sparent raising your SOs children. When I married my wife I became my SS's dad. He was 1yo. We have never lived closer than 1200 mile to SpermLand so other than their toothless moron drama and the toxic crap they load on to my son they were of minimal concern unless they forced our hand and we have to drag them to court to kick ass. I chose to marry his mom and to be his dad. He did not choose me. To abandon my choice to raise him as my own would be cheating him, my wife and even myself. To be a viable partner for my wife I have to be all in. I expect nothing less from her so how can I not hold myself to the same expectation?
I said I was in the middle on this topic so here is my middle ground. I am all in because my wife is all in. If she were to throw the "he is my kid you have no say card" then I would no longer be all in.
How anyone could marry with the perspective that their spouse is an equity partner in all areas but one is beyond me. If my spouse wanted to parent alone, deal with her troubles alone, deal with the SpermIdiot and the SpermClan alone then why did she marry me? If we both are not all in then we are nothing more than friends with benefits or at worst we are just fuck buddies.
You can not build a mutually beneficial, deeply loving, energetic and long term relationship with a fuck buddy.
To have a love and a life that they write plays about you have to be all in. If you don't want a love, a life and a marriage that might end up on Broadway or in a movie, why waste your time?
I did not specifically promise to take care of my SS, my ILs, fight with the SpermClan, financially support my SS, visitation travel and court battles. That all was part of being married to my wife. I promised to be with her for the rest of my life, succeed together, fail together and have the most amazing life we can have together.
If you agree to everything but the bumps, hills and valleys then all you have is a flat and routine marriage. Give me the roller coaster over the carousel any day of the week.
I for one would not have it any other way.
Being all in does not have to mean taking control and dictating how the X and the Skids will be dealt with. It can mean discussing the situation and developing a strategy for dealing with these issues together then standing slightly behind and to the side of your spouse while they execute the strategy that you both agreed upon. I do this with my wife the majority of the time when there are Skid or BioDad/SpermClan issues. Usually she does not need me to fight her battles for her but having me there gives her much more confidence when she does fight those battles. When she stumbles, I can step in an keep the ball rolling.
Just my thoughts of course.
great post. you are
great post. you are absolutely right. in my opinion children need education, a basic need as is love, shelter, clothing, food to be able to function as a contributing member of society. these boys are failing miserably. their mother holds no importance what-so-ever to it. hubby has spouted off time and again how he's not going to allow his kids to fail. i think he needs to choose his battles: education. i think our problem stems from him not being all in though. we discuss, and like you said, i stand to the side and watch him execute. it's tortuous. he is very slow on the draw or without me bringing it up constantly, gets swept under the rug. i see many problems in the future with his sons. it's like watching a train wreck waiting to happen and then hubby wanting to jumping in to try to rescue. so, i'm torn between forcing this down his throat or totally disengaging. if i disengage, i can see many fights in the future of hubby wanting to use retirement money/assets for bailing out his kids. the money i've been working very hard to try to accumulate while paying most of the bills and any extras this marriage has. this is something we are discussing in counseling. i love my husband, but the way things are i DO see his kids as a threat to my future. there is sooo much more going on in this marriage. but this is a major for me.
"hubby has spouted off time
"hubby has spouted off time and again how he's not going to allow his kids to fail"
If this means that your DH is going to shelter them from the consequences of their actions and decisions then he is guarantying that they will fail .... in life.
In my life I have learned far more from my failures than I have from my successes. I had two sophomore years of HS. From my second sophomore year through my Sr year of HS I was an A student. My first sophomore year taught me that I worked far harder to fail every class then I did making straight As. The emotional strain of knowing I was not making the right decisions wore me out.
Even after a stellar do over in HS, I went to college and failed every class my first semester. Skiing, partying, girls, etc... were far more important to me than school. My second semester I made a 4.0 taking exactly the same classes I failed the first semester. Ultimately I did complete my BS after 11yrs of college. I was in class every semester of those 11yrs. I transferred schools 5 times, had 7 different majors, started a business, sold the business, married, divorced all before I finally finished my undergrad.
There were many failures in that 11yrs and have been more since I finished my undergrad. It is those failures that my success is based on.
My first marriage made me a better husband for my incredible wife. My long and meandering undergrad career made me an honor student in grad school.
I have worked for some of the best companies on the planet. And been laid off by one of them. The sequence of events that led to the lay off is the foundation for my success since.
My parents have been there for me for every bit of my life. The best thing they did for me was to let me fail and to suffer the consequences of those failures. My failures often broke their hearts but they were there to tell me to "pull (my) head out" and don't repeat the same mistake that got me to the point of failure.
Don’t allow DH to mistake fixing things for his kids for success. Success comes from experience. Experience comes from failure.
Let them fail, let them learn.
i totally understand this.
i totally understand this. but how do i get dh to? dh's mom has always rescued him. he learned this from her. throw money at the problem. if i could just get him to commit one way or the other. if he's going to rescue, i HAVE to detach and preserve a little something for OUR future. if he's going to dicipline, he needs to do so to protect OUR future. sigh.
I wish I knew how you could
I wish I knew how you could get this across to your DH. He may never get it. Even if he never gets it, eventually your Skids will bear the consequences of their actions.
Try renting the movie Less Than Zero. It is about a privileged young man who bears the consequences for his mistakes. It is very disturbing but it gets the point across.
Good luck.
Well said Rags...
Well said Rags...
Great post Rags. I completely
Great post Rags. I completely agree. Yes, I married my husband, but I knew that in doing that, I was also becoming part of a family that included his kids. I am lucky to have a DH who supports my decisions and backs me up. He let's me discipline the kids and listens to my advice. He also is involved and disciplines. He never expects me to do anything, so it makes me want to do things for him and skids. Now hopefully this will all continue. I'm dreading the teenage years!!
dreamweaver, yes, i did take
dreamweaver, yes, i did take into consideration that something could happen to their mother and their dad would have to raise them. the thing is, he wouldn't have raised them. his mother would have (a whole 'nuther story there). but i went into the marriage not believing i would be expected to be a responsible parent to them. now, if something would happen to their mother i would do the best with what i have and try to undo as much damage as i could. going to live with their grandmother would be out of the question now. they'd be even worse off. as a matter of fact, if their mother was not in the picture i believe things would be much easier. but unfortunately she is, and always will be the major influence in their lives. but, now i see the trainwreck coming if things remain the same. i just feel i'm kinda at a crossroads here. do i give up all my dreams, force my husband to actually parent these kids and dedicate my life to it in the process or do i still have the right to be "selfish", detach completely and protect what i've worked so hard for?
The line that caught my eye
The line that caught my eye in your post was:
I see so many unhappy women on this site who have made their husband's children their responsibility and have willingly taken the back seat and are now wondering why they are so unhappy, why nobody respects them.
And it is right on the $! At least for me; I have devoted so much of my time to SD13 that I have actually become unenjoyable for my BK....I am not sure how how got this way or how I undo it?? do I leave him; will I go "back to normal?"
all I know is that THIS is not what I signed up for
Good post Rags......(once again.....LOL)