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how do you disengage when you see the trainwreck coming and you KNOW it's going to affect you?

Cocoa's picture

Submitted by Cocoa on Thu, 04/26/2012 - 4:20pm

i try to disengage, but find myself worrying how it will affect my life in the future. it's highly likely oldest ss will not graduate high school and his nanna makes sure he wants for nothing (although this has gotten better due to me getting on my dh), has absolutely no structure or rules in his life. i'm pretty sure he's going to end up jobless, looking for handouts and my dh will feel guilty and help him monetarily at a time in his life that he we need to be saving for retirement (he has almost nothing saved and we're heading on 50!). how do i dis-engage when i see the train wreck coming? i've already warned dh that if he ever dips into his retirement to help his kids (due to their laziness, lack of education, drugs, etc...) that i don't think i'll be able to stay in this marriage.

how do i EVER get to the point of not caring? i CARE if my marriage makes it or not.

Comments

3familiesIn1's picture

Submitted by 3familiesIn1 on Thu, 04/26/2012 - 4:33pm

My comfort is, deep down inside, I know that I am ok with things if I hit my limit - because I am ok with leaving, not looking back, moving on and starting over.

Before I divorced my first husband, I was terrified what might be on the other side, to be 'alone' and 'divorced'. I found out it was freeing and wonderful and that I had put myself in a situation that was bad for me.

Deep down, I hope I can grow old with DH - that is why I married him, I love him. But I also know deep down, whatever my limit is, if its hit, I will be gone, I will be ok - that doesn't mean it will be simple or easy - but it will be ok.

That and that alone gives me more comfort than anything because I am choosing to stay - and nobody can take the choice to stay or go away from me, its mine and only mine.

Cocoa's picture

Submitted by Cocoa on Thu, 04/26/2012 - 5:10pm

i get this. i've felt that way, too, still do. but i'm tired of starting over. i've done it a few times and i just don't know if i can do it again. i want peace, to be settled, to build together. but to get to that point, if i have to go it alone again, i will. i guess i'll just have to keep putting things separate for good in this relationship cause i'm not busting my butt just to have someone take it. just didn't know how others saw their disengagement. thank you, it helps

3familiesIn1's picture

Submitted by 3familiesIn1 on Thu, 04/26/2012 - 6:09pm

Yeah - I hear you. I certainly don't want to start over again. I love my DH but I actually don't feel guilty about preparing for my future with or without him.

It doesn't mean I love him any less - to write about like this, it sounds sort of unattached, that isn't how it is, it seems cold, that isn't how I mean it - its just simply... disengaged I guess.

I can't control how the skids are going to turn out, I am not certain of my own limits yet either. I know one is if anything ever puts my children or myself in danger - that will be one limit.

I guess I am in a wait and see pattern, preparing for the worst, hoping for the best!!! I have a LOOOOOOONG way to go. SD12, SS6. A lot can happen over the next 10 years.

Right now, things are good enough and I am happy enough.

frustrated-mom's picture

Submitted by frustrated-mom on Thu, 04/26/2012 - 9:58pm

This is exactly why I refuse to disengage. Disengaging means giving up control and that is something I absolutely will not do in my own home. If it was left up to DH, he would have his daughter living with us destroying our lives. I wouldn't have a say and I'd have to keep quiet about all the problems. No way I can do that.

It might be a solution for some people, but if you see a train coming towards you, you don't ignore it.

Cocoa's picture

Submitted by Cocoa on Fri, 04/27/2012 - 7:21am

we do have separate accounts, was hoping to merge them after the boys are off child support, but i don't think that's going to be able to happen. i know he's fully in charge of his accounts, i can't stop him from draining them for his kids, but i can leave. it just feels so disloyal of me to put money into my own accounts simply because i don't trust him to not give everything he has to his kids. i'm basically "preparing" for my departure. i didn't want to go into marriage with this mind-set. we started off right off the bat co-mingling our money. then i realized what was going on, all the guilty dad spending. we'd be flat broke and more in debt if i hadn't stepped in. we separated most of our money then, but not without lots of terrible fights. but we still have a couple joint accounts to run OUR household, which is fine. but i guess all those pre-conceived notions of how a second marriage should be are really gone now and i'm just kinda mourning them. second marriages are TOTALLY different from first marriages. i didn't know this going in. sigh.

now if i can get him to get rid of his "pre-conceived notions" of how we should all just be a big, fat happy family and i should be giving unconditionally to his kids as if they were mine, we'd be MUCH better off!