Trust.....
My friend is having an issue with her boyfriend. Together 5 years, she just found out he was sleeping with someone else for the first month of their relationship. She only found out when she found his old phone. He tried lying about it at first and then he finally admitted to it. He promises her it was just at the start. He's lied to her about other things too which she always seems to brush off as nothing. I'd string my man up by the balls if he did this to me.
I'm telling her to be very very cautious but her other friends are telling her it was at the beginning of the relationship and so it's a grey area, forgivable and she should marry him. But I think there's no excuse for sleeping with her one day and then sleeping with the other woman day after. All the time saying there's no one else but her. She just keeps saying it was a mistake......some damn mistake if you ask me!!! He also has a crazy ex and a SD7 she has to deal with.
Is there such a thing as a grey area?? Am I too black and white on this? She keeps asking me what she should do, I keep saying she should go with her gut instinct. Maybe he wouldn't do it again but can she really trust him.
- Confused.com's blog
- Log in to post comments
Comments
Different strokes for
Different strokes for different folks.
If she is old enough to get married then she is old enough to decide if this is the man she wants to marry. Sounds like she is getting lots of different advice, it is up to her to decide what she wants to do.
Lol you handled it well! I
Lol you handled it well! I think she's hurting because she was sharing his bed while he was also warming someone else's. If she held off on being intimate it wouldn't have been that bad. We've had this discussion a few times...
Once a cheater, always a
Once a cheater, always a cheater and once a liar, always a liar. It is up to her to decide.
You have good points. I
You have good points. I think he could have been still finding his feet at the start. Hiding it from her was not his smartest move. He lies about stupid stuff like a teenager avoiding conflict. She said he says it's because his ex wife was so explosive and mean to him. The BM does sound like a nightmare.
I think she's only spoken to a few close friends about this. I just want her to be eyes wide open and to be cautious. The times I've met him he's seemed very attentive and sweet to her. She seems very hurt still.
I'm wondering if therapy
I'm wondering if therapy would help them. If he's willing to work at it then maybe that's a sign he's changed.
Oh well she's only just found
Oh well she's only just found out, that's why she's hurting. She's trying to get her head around it.
I don't know. I think if he
I don't know. I think if he was 'dating' but not having sex with anyone else, that's ok. Because there are so many reasons to not be sleeping with multiple partners. And I think it's the casual attitude towards sex and women that would bother me more than that he hadn't 'committed' to me yet. I know I'm old-fashioned on this, but stringing along and sleeping with multiple women then is, in my mind, an indicator he'll do it again.
Then again, monkey, I
Then again, monkey, I wouldn't have slept with a guy unless it was already exclusive. But to each his own.
Nothing wrong with sampling
Nothing wrong with sampling
Did you feel I was
Did you feel I was slut-shaming? My goodness. That wasn't my intention.
The question was about what the OP's friend 'should do'. So I answered how I would feel about the situation. But see, it's not the same situation, because if I was involved sexually with a guy, I would be involved-involved, and would have already talked to him about being in a relationship, and would have already agreed that it was exclusive.
Or, I would have had a ONS with a guy - not while involved in any other relationship - in which case, I would have had no expectations for a future involvement with the guy. Had a ONS turned into something, there would come a point at which a conversation was had. I wouldn't just 'drift' into something serious. That's not how I am.
I sometimes envy others who are more casual about sex. I'm sure they have more sex and are more relaxed about sex, at least to start with. But I'm just not like that, and I really don't think there's anything wrong with how I am. But being how I am isn't an indictment on others, just like I've never felt the need to respond to pressure to 'loosen up' or sleep around a bit more. Ya know?
If they weren't exclusive
If they weren't exclusive during the first part of their relationship then I don't see the problem. When I started dating DH I was seeing someone else too, we weren't exclusive in the very beginning because I didn't know if I wanted to commit to him, I wanted to be sure.
I would ask her WHY she wants to marry him now. It's been 5 years, she's dealing with the whole stepmom and crazy ex thing, is this what she really wants? If she feels like she can't trust him and has to snoop through his old phone then she won't be happy going forward.
There really is no right or wrong here (in my eyes). It's really about what she wants and what she can handle.
Apparently I was the other
Apparently I was the other woman when I first started dating my dh. He had a live in girlfriend. As soon as I said yes to a date with me, because it was obvious that he liked me, he told her to leave. I didn't know this until after we were married and had kids. She sent him an email telling him how much he hurt her. At the time I thought she was a nut because she would show up and cry.
I feel bad about it now. I didn't know and at the time had specially told him that I would never date someone in a relationship.