BM is the root of course

BM finally flew her true colors today.

As we know she recently told DH that OSD was accepted to a college but with zero details other than the name. Then told him he's welcome to contribute but that she understood if he didn't because OSD won't speak with him.

Taking this for a kind word, DH responded and asked what her financial package was, when she started and regarding graduation, could he have some details, and that he was planning a grad gift if she had any suggestions.

Her response? "I don't understand what you are asking. She doesn't want you at her graduation."

The B. He was so so upset this afternoon. I let him talk it out, reassuring him he was not the bad person, that this showed him BM is in no way to be trusted and be on the altert for BMs focus on YSD.

I am livid and want to respond so bad but no. DH also seems to understand that any response will be Welcome by BM. I feel so bad for him, but it just proves everything I have been saying. It starts and ends with her.

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I love the "I don't

I love the "I don't understand" part. BM here uses that all the time, too. Ugh! These BMs should never have had children. Also, it's too bad the children don't realize that as soon as their dads stop being the focus for these BMs that they, the children, will become the sole focus of BM's hateful manipulation. Wishing your DH peace as he navigates all this mean-spiritedness.

BM does that here too. It's

BM does that here too. It's usually a response to any sort of request on DHs part. What she doesn't understand is how he doesn't just shut the hell up and do whatever she says. She honestly acts personally offended whenever my DH wants to do anything fatherly besides just send her money.

"I don't understand" = shut

"I don't understand" = shut up and stop asking anything about your older child.

Take a picture of that

Take a picture of that message exchange , frame it and give it to SD as her grad gift. Enclose a nice little letter wishing her the best, honoring her request and that the door is always open for an authentic relationship not based on money. Wouldn't that piss off BM?!

Oh, he's keeping it that's

Oh, he's keeping it that's for sure.

At least he's come off the "revenge" idea he has had for the last year. This one kind of took the wind out of those sails (I didn't agree with his ideas) and he's realized there is NOTHING he can do.

Unfortunately he's also given up with the PAS counselor for himself right now. That was a whole other recent bad convo for us.

I'll never understand these

I'll never understand these BMs - hating your ex more than you love your kid. It's disgusting and so so immature. These terrible BMs put their own feelings above what's best for their kids. The BM here does the same thing and has sent so many messages like the one you got. Pathetic people.

They don't just put their

They don't just put their feelings above the kids, they assume the kids have the same feelings they do and if they don't they PAS them until they do.

This exactly! In my case, BM

This exactly! In my case, BM would always say to DH that SS "feels the same way. He doesn't tell people what he's feeling, but I know what he's feeling." Usually, it was about how skids were also mad at DH for setting some boundary with DH or not going along with BM's wishes.

I'd not reply, at all anymore

I'd not reply, at all anymore. It sounded like she was fishing for a promise to give $$ and if his presence isn't good enough, neither is his extra $$. Don't send a grad gift, send a card. Don't offer to buy for college, they want to shut you out.. that includes your $$. I'd just let this lie, she wants a reply. Don't give her one. and stop replying in the future. When you ice someone out you do not get to unfreeze their wallet on whim.

let me translates for you

We...BM and SD..do not want your presence or advice or opinions. We do not want to see your or hear from you. We do, however, expect to see a check from you in the amount to which we feel we are entitled to.

Unfortunately, as they say..when people show them who they are...believe them. In this case...I agree with the don't respond and don't send anything. BM wants DH to respond so that she can weaponize it. She will undoubtedly weaponize the non response as well..but its better than having his words twisted.

I feel bad for your DH....since we have btdt and have way to many t-shirts from dealing with Beaver and GWR.

I mean, I guess if she

I mean, I guess if she thought he was asking about graduation details.. she thought he might be trying to figure out how to go? But, I think the response would be.

"oh.. yes, of course, I understand that she likely would not want me there.. I guess she wouldn't want a present either then.. thanks for reminding me. best of luck with those college finances."

In this case I think he's got

In this case I think he's got to gray rock her. Nothing but details of YSD16 only when necessary. I hope he follows through.

Based on what you posted,

Based on what you posted, your DH asked BM several questions:

DH responded and asked what her financial package was, when she started and regarding graduation, could he have some details, and that he was planning a grad gift if she had any suggestions.

Her response didn't answer any of those questions, and it seems clear her response was just intended to hurt your DH. My DH has been there with the graduation of the SK who is estranged. It's awful and definitely a no-win situation. He and I both went because no tickets were needed, and DH went over to SS afterward very briefly and basically forced a photo with SS before leaving. I wouldn't necessarily recommend that in this situation, but that's what my DH did. Even though he got to go, I can't say it made him feel any better. I'm so sorry.