One month up
The end of this weekend will be my first month of disengagement.
DP is starting to feel the effects at this point.
HE has to make sure SDs are fed and that there's food for them to eat and pack lunches. He ran out of stuff for them last week. Me? Don't care.
HE has to make sure SD9 (well, basically almost 10 now) has breakfast on school mornings. I talked with him about this before I stopped, letting him know that SHE has to start learning to do it herself (she doesn't like cereal but is completely able to make herself toaster waffles and put sausage/bacon in the microwave)...but instead of making her more responsible, he's started making these egg breakfasts for her - so he has to get up EARLIER than ever. Whatever. Don't care and I don't tolerate his wining about it.
He did SD9s laundry for the first time in several weeks last night. Had to tell me all about it. I shrugged and said, "Good." I noticed he left a pair of her leggings on the floor in the laundry room, coated with dried mud. If those are still there as of this weekend when I do my laundry, they will be in the trash.
He hasn't talked with me at all about SD12's forgetting her computer power cord AGAIN and running it to her, or about a couple other things. Good! I don't want to hear it!
I made him clean up the kitchen floor where SDs had dropped ice cream and not cleaned it up.
We were watching a show the other night, and there was something about a couple who made sure they had alone time at night, even with kids, and made sure the kids were in bed at a REASONABLE HOUR so adults could talk, have a drink, watch a movie, got bed and have fun. DP says, "How do they do that?" Me, offhanded: "Rules, DP." DP, "You think you know exactly how to do this don't you?" Good thing it was said lightheartedly (but he has said it before the same way...)...it's best not to bite the bait in any case. I simply shrugged. Don't engage. He can do it the way he wants.
Saw SD12 on my way home last night (our commutes cross paths) and she comes up to me and says, "WHERE have you been! I haven't seen you for SO LONG (reference to our crossing paths)!" It's obvious she missed seeing me...I simply told her I've been working a little later and my schedules been off (and I have also been waiting in a different area where I can see her to make sure she's arrived but she doesn't know where I am because I don't want to engage).
So I am expecting that this weekend will be a tipping point for DP. He's feeling the pressure now.
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Comments
Good for you. Disengaging can
Good for you. Disengaging can be very satisfying when your SO realizes how much work it is to keep up with his kids once you've stopped helping.
Excellent job. I like the
Excellent job. I like the leggings comment. I too am disengaged ( for 3 years ) On Monday mornings, when the snowflakes return to BM, whatever is left on the floor in their rooms goes in the trash, no further warnings given. When kids search for their stuff a week later, i simply shrug, get in my car and drive away.
Kudos. Keep it up and keep us
Kudos. Keep it up and keep us posted on how DH handles the pressure.
DP made SD12 clean up the ice
DP made SD12 clean up the ice cream she dropped on the floor...which turned into a big hassle...just kept watching my show. SD9 refused to help clean up but DP didn't intervene and so ice cream is still all over counter. I ignore.
I go to put something in the trash...there's Nutella all over the side of the bin. I almost clean it up and tell DP, "there's nutella all over the side of the can and I am NOT cleaning it." So DP says he'll clean it. He did. Says SD9 did it.
SD9 got her laundry out of the dryer and SD12 complained to DP that "she got HER laundry done?!" Like I have t been doing SD9s laundry since the spring. It's because DP did it. So DP told SD12 to get her laundry and put it in laundry and he'll work with her to get it washed. She comes up and announced she put it into laundry room. DP asked is she put it INTO the washer. Well no, because it smells like to cat litter box. That's her excuse. I keep that box CLEAN. Because I do laundry. Then SD12 says she's getting ice cream and is now too busy to help. And DP lets her get away with it!!!!
That is why I don't do anything!
Yes, he needs to figure out
Yes, he needs to figure out that the girls NEED to help and WHY at their ages.
And he's got to do ALL the work. He was exhausted at 9:15 last night because he was so busy. And HE'S got to initiate discussions and FOLLOW THROUGH with actions if he wants to really change things.
He exacerbates his day by refusing to enroll SD9 in the after school program so he can finish his work day meetings uninterrupted...all because she doesn't like to do it...so he even puts off work for them - luckily he's a remote employee but STILL. I just shrug when he complains any more.
SD9 is refusing to ask DP to help with her homework. She prefers me to do it. Since I'm a little less disengaged from her, and she is polite about it, I'll help IF she asks - I don't do reminders any longer and she knows that.
DP knows I am reading Stepmonster (almost done with it - a very, very enlightening book!) and he has asked me to discuss it with him when I'm done. He's a big reader and intelligent so it could spark some good conversation. Although I don't think it will change anything because he's such a passive parent...we've tried to get through 2 other "parenting books" (both of which I liked and discuss step-parents well) to no avail. He stops cold when the words "rules" "chores" or "ramifications" are discussed.