So after this weekend my SO went to his folks with his 3 kids for Saturday and sunday.  I stayed home because I had an exam today (which I passed yay!) . 

I genuinely missed my SO this weekend! I missed his presence, I missed him coming home and not being able to snuggle with him, even through all the issues and ups and downs and my anger at how this whole step thing and exes and his lack of management of his situation with his 2 exes(our situation... ?as I have chosen to br with him? ) 

But he was cold and distant with me these 2 days, I suffered with so much anxiety and just had this dreaded feeling the entire time, and he didnt do or say anything to help me just feel calmer etc. If he just sent me message or something with some affection in it. 

He came home sunday evening late, and asked him of he had fun and hope it all went well. I asked a few other things about the weekend and then asked if he missed me etc. 

His answers were vague and when I told him I missed him he said it was only because I was alone at home.... which hurt. I'm always alone at home so I'm used to it, I missed him his presence. He argued this with me until I just screamed I missed you because I fucking love you. I cried my heart out and he just stood there indifferent to me. Not a word, a hug, or a touch... I felt so rejected and my heart so broken. 

This morning we wake up and I said good morning, so he replies and said how are you? Told him "what do you think" and walked out the room. He then comes into the kitchen as if nothing happened yesterday evening... **sigh** 

I have accepted our relationship is over... as much as I know my future with him would be difficult, a part of me wants to try with him because I love him... regardless of BM issues, kid issues, money issues... my heart tells me those are things that can change right? 

I said to him just give me some time to contact my father and to pack my things and I'll go... 

I know I'm fortunate enough I can return to my father.... but feel really shit that I gave up everything for this man and am left with nothing and now my pops needs to take care of me until I can build myself up again...feel like a real idiot!  

And worst of all, it's a small town so news spreads like wildfire... and the old ladies all congregate to gossip! *face palm*

Wish I could just be alone right now... in my own apartment and space without prying eyes. I dont really have a point to this blog post... just needed to "vent"... 

With a sore heart BMs and skids dont seem too bad... I feel like I want to try again. But maybe it's better to count my losses and move forward...