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When Does Good Overcome EVIL??????

Daddysgirl's picture

Okay.... on a normal day, my 3 y ear old SS LOVES me... he loves his step sisters... his dad and all is well. There is the unhealthy bond that he has with his mother and we all know that he would rather be with her at this point in his life. BUT- if ever he does not get his way i.e. candy right before bed, jumping on the couch etc etc- HE HATES ME (even if his Dad is the one that told him no) with a passion. Most times it passes quicky... and I mean like 10 minutes and he has forgotten- but as of late, he will go DAYS without talking to me, avoiding eye contact. Even to the point that he will leave the room if I enter. It breaks my heart.

Now BM and I "got along" for some time and recently had a falling out. This is when things started going sour with SS. How on earth do we manage this from our house? We can't stop her from shit talking. But We all know it is happening. We can't do it back, we are not 13 years old (neither is BM, but acts it most times). So what are we to do to counter- act her evil ways???? I have never done anything to him to cause him to "fear me" yet he does. I am at a lose here! HELP!

DH says not to take it to heart, she is just not like us, and can't handle NOT letting her hatred for us, effect our son. He is as much confused of how to handle this as I am. How am I to NOT take it to heart if he is my heart. My family is my heart, they are my life. How do you explain to a 3 year old that just because Mommy (who walks on water right now) talks bad about SM, doesn't mean what she says is true?!

Any advise???? I am open to anything at this point. Anyone want to help her take a LONG WALK off a SHORT PIER?????

Comments

stepup's picture

It's time for DH to step to the plate.

HE is allowing SS to treat you disrespectfully and it's time he put SS in his place. He is certainly allowed to be upset when he's punished, but he's not allowed to tell people he hates them.. he's not allowed to come into your home and NOT speak to you, and not make eye contact. And the longer DH allows this to go on, the more SS will feel he is justified in his behaviour, no matter WHAT is behind it.

I would get DH to nip this thing in the bud ASAP. He's three, but that doesn't mean he doesn't understand respect, and the proper way to treat and act around adults.

Stepup

Daddysgirl's picture

Just to clarify, he has never SAID the words "I HATE YOU"... he just acts this way. DH and I had a very long talk about this last night and he knows something needs to be done, but WHAT is the question... How does he get through to SS that what his mother is saying is just not true... or do we wait it out until he is old enough to understand on his own and punish him for his behaviour in the mean time.. let him hate both of us until he understands better??? Suggestions?

stepup's picture

I wouldn't bother trying to explain to him that what his mother is saying isn't true. In the eyes of a 3 year old, you're just calling his mother a liar. I wouldn't even address that. What I would address is how he is to behave in your household. He is allowed to have feelings if he gets into trouble, but he isn't allowed to treat anyone badly. He is to speak to everyone in the household and make eye contact when speaking and being spoken to. And remind him that he is loved by everyone in the house, and he LOVES everyone in the house. You can talk about how he's hurting your feelings by how he's been acting, and how that is not okay. And you can talk to him about his abililty to tell you if you've done something to hurt his feelings, but that he can't treat you disrespectfully or act with such negativity towards you. He's three, so you'll have to play it a bit by ear and answer his questions if he has any about what is okay and what is not okay in your house.
I doubt he really hates anyone, he's just not sure that it's okay to love you, when his mom doesn't like you very much. You can assure him that your love for him doesn't depend on what anyone else thinks... and encourage him to do the same.

Stepup

Anonymous's picture

you're an adult. He understands his world through the eyes of a three year old. It is not a crime to love his mother. In fact, it would be abnormal if he didn't. Leave this alone. Don't punish a little kid for behaving like a three year old. The adults, however, shouldn't be behaving like three year olds. If he doesn't make eye contact with you...big deal! Relax and get on with your life. You can't tell him who to love any more than his mother can tell him who not to love. It doesn't work that way. I would be more than a little suspicious if my ex's workmate became my husband's lover and more than a little angry. If you believe that your husband's ex was to blame completely for the demise of his marriage and for going to parties without his wife...well, don't be surprised if someday you find yourself on the receiving end of that same behavior. Bottom line is...you are talking about a very young child whose world is turned upside down and all of a sudden he is supposed to joyfully accept the roller coaster that has been forced to ride on. Why is it such a surprise that this is difficult for kids to cope with? And why is it that the primary focus is the impact that this has on you, one of the the adults who had the opportunity to make a choice?

loonybonusmom's picture

the same thing happening to me when ss was around the same age. I was so upset, and most of all heart broken that my wee boy could act like that. I wanted my husband to do something, I wanted to be respected again, and my wise hubby finally sat me down and said, he is just starting to understand everyone talking around him, but he doesn't understand what is true, or the difference between the crap bm spills, and the real love you give him. Let him grow up some more. Oddly enough, by the next year my wee loving boy was back!! I think it is the same with your ss, wait till he hits school, and has something other than mom's crap to listen too. I understand wanting respect, it is a must in our house, but I think you will find he will grow out of it, be patient it is just one of those growing pains we deal with. Keep being a good step mom and hang in there!

proud mom's picture

It may be hard and you may want to call her evry name int he book plus a few more (lol) but let her bad mouth you all she wants just don't sink to her level and do the same. Just continue treating him as always he will grow up and see her for who she really is. I was raised by my mom my parents divorced when I was 10 my dad cursed my mom any time that I seen him (it wasn't much but enough that I remeber) but my Mom never said anything bad about him and my sisters and I now that we are older now know who is the one that is worthless and let me tell you it isn't my Mom I thank my mom for not sinking to his level and alowing us to see him through our own eyes.

So hang in there make him listen as you always do and as he gets older he too will see how is Mom really is

Daddysgirl's picture

It is understood that he is 3. I have a 3 year old of my own. That does NOT act this way. It is very apparent that his behaviour suffers when BM and I are not getting along so well. He makes comments that have only come out of his mothers mouth... "you are not my mom, (her name) is, I don't have to listen to you. Everyone knows that divorce is hard on the kids. It doesn't have to be SO hard, unless the parents are making it so. It has been 2 years and honestly, unless BM is telling him stories of when Daddy lived with us, he can't remember life without me. Anyways, that is neither here nor there.

I have not, nor will I ever change the way I interact with SS. I still love him and tuck him in at night... he is still told not to stand on the couch and stop picking your nose... none of that will change just because he won't make eye contact with me... however the behaviour is abnormal for him. We will overcome- in the mean time, my heart breaks for him.