Proud of myself!!!!!!
Last night around 7 DH tried calling the house....shame there was no answer....I decided my parents house for dinner was the place to be.
When I got home there were 12 messages on the machine from DH....All begging me to pick up or call back or I love you, please forgive me, I talked to SD, this will end, please pick up etc....
I shut my cell off so he couldnt contact me that way and when my sons cell started ringing I had him shut that off to. He tried again calling this morning and again what a shame no answer. I love him but he needs to know I am serious this BS is over and im not going back. Unless he changes COMPLETELY....I have decided this is not worth it, love is just not enough. It hurts, I will say that, and i cried alot last night when I went to bed that i am going through this again but I am not going to be unhappy... We will see with time what happens. I will keep you all posted..Not very happy today at all!!! 
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I'm so proud of you Daisy. I
I'm so proud of you Daisy. I do hope he really can change, for your sake. I think it requires counseling. He's proven he can't do it on his own. "talking" to SD isn't good enough. She doesn't care about you or him or your relationship. Talking is stupid. She can say all the right things and continue to sabotage your relationship and time together because in her mind she deserves to be the center of attention and, more importantly, because your dh isn't seeing it for what it is. He's shifted (in his head) from expecting you to change to expecting her to change, but he hasn't committed to himself changing.
^^ This. Hugs to you today,
Feel Better Daisy...
Feel Better Daisy...
Well done Daisy. Many women
Well done Daisy. Many women would have bowed to the electronic Gods by now and answered SOMETHING!
Consider this though, does he have a time frame? How long is he incommunicado with you? Does he know how long this is? Have you let him know ... "DH, I told you I need some space. I will contact you Monday evening. If you are not available this would be your final answer. Your daughter can no longer come first unless she is in mortal or physical danger. Read these sites *insert sites* and do some soul searching over the weekend. I love you but I will not live with a man who allows his daughter to dictate his life. Do you have any idea what you did to our marriage by blowing off meeting me to discuss our future together to take your daughter driving? Think about that. I will text you Monday with a time and location.Ii want answers."
^^ I do think that this is a
i too agree with the time
i too agree with the time frame.
but good for you...he needs to sweat a bit! i know it's an awful place to be. it will get better!
i also agree that he will need help changing and he seems to think he has no problems. but you have a problem so together your relationship has a problem (whether he feels it or not) if he doesn't get that then he does not value or respect you . counseling can help even if it's just you going.
i was reading through this blog yesterday and i thought of you http://www.steptalk.org/node/66993
specifically the last 2 comments made by "no longer naive" and "herewegoagain"
find out what you need to be happy and set your boundaries.
(((hugs)))
Well done Daisy, im going to
Well done Daisy, im going to echo what everyone has said, im proud of you for sticking to your guns. Its time for your dh and sd to change. You are doing amazingly well x
Good for you. I do agree
Good for you. I do agree that you should perhaps give him a time line of how long you need space, and maybe set a time where you will have dinner, just the 2 of you.
During this time, think about what you need in order for this to work. Write it down. The things you need have to be things he can do.... he can't change his daughter's behavior, but he can change how he responds to her.
From what you've written I would say
You need him to put you first.
You need him to devote time every _____ (week) for a date night with you.
You need rules and boundaries established, enforced by him.
Be honest with him about what it's going to take to make this work. The difficult part about that is, he may decide it's too hard... but if you're honest, and he's not willing or able to do it, it's better to end it now than to continue in misery.
Good job taking care of you!
"The things you need have to
"The things you need have to be things he can do.... he can't change his daughter's behavior, but he can change how he responds to her."
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
This is key because right now he is asking you "what am I supposed to do?" and I suspect he is asking because he can't change SD and he isn't connecting the dots for one big reason. You're mad about SD, but HE is the problem. See where the confusion starts. As he understands it, you're mad about the fact that SD hijacked the bday plans. That was reinforced when you told him to take his "brat" and leave. He sees the anger at HER and not at his reaction to her. He isn't connecting that you're mad about at HIM not putting you first. He needs to keep his word. Keep his plans. Keep his commitments and not pull out at the last minute because of SD's behavior. Let her own his behavior, not him.
When you get mad, he immediately thinks "I can't stop SD from answering a question I ask. I can't stop her from telling MIL we're coming for dinner. I can't....". And he is right. He can't control her behavior. He thinks he "talks" to her about it and that should be good enough for you because that really is all he can do (in his mind).
You need to change the tone of that and make him see that you're mad at HIM. Yes, she is a brat. And yes it is her behavior that is triggering all of it, but ultimately, you're mad because he isn't choosing his time with YOU. He has a choice to make each time she behaves this way and the answer to his question "what am I supposed to do?" needs to be "choose me". Just because SD WANTS to be the center of the world. Just because she WANTS to pretend she is anxious or lonely or whatever her ailment of the day is. Just becasue she WANTS to make the plans for his bday. DOESN'T MEAN HE HAS TO AGREE WITH HER. And yes that might make her upset, pissy, etc. But guess what? SHe is a 16 year old girl, they're always upset or pissy about something. He needs to get used to it,not take it personally and choose you. That is what HE, AS YOUR HUSBAND, is supposed to do.
And tell him I said so.
You did the right thing in
You did the right thing in putting your phones off and not taking his calls, there is only so many times you can give him the opportunity to disappoint or try and manipulate you.
I am so sorry to hear that he prioritised his DD's driving licence over your talk. He must have been hit by the stupid stick (or was that beaten)?
Personally I would be placing the onus on HIM in terms of him proving to you that he is willing to change. TBH counselling would definately be high on my list. Counselling on his own and as a couple. No way is it fair for you to be expected to keep on opening yourself up for this and to be hurt.
What are your plans regarding the party you arranged for Friday to celebrate his birthday? Personally I wouldnt be going ahead with it, purely as I would refuse to yet again have to act that everything was okay, when it isnt. Far from it. I wouldnt want to be feeding that delusional side of DH, as it seems it doesnt take much for him to become complacent!
Daisy, if you decide to stay
Daisy, if you decide to stay with him, you should make couples counseling (with someone who knows about blended families) a MUST. He needs to hear from the third party what he needs to do, he needs to learn how to LISTEN to what your needs are. He needs to put in the effort to show that he is going to make some serious changes.
A woman in my blogs told me
A woman in my blogs told me to go read yours because I will be you in my future. I read all your blogs last night and cried. I cried a lot last night. My SD17 absolutely hates me. I have been on a rollercoaster for over a year now. And I just keep getting hurt over and over again. I am not a part of that life with my SO. I am left out of things, I am an after thought. Or so that's how I feel. I won't go into all the drama in my life. But yours sounds pretty much spot on to what I have been experiencing. I am wanting to have your courage to leave. To say I am IMPORTANT you can't treat me this way anymore. Your daughter is NOT your WIFE or your GF. She is your CHILD. I am hoping I will get there soon. As emotionally I am exhausted and taking it out on everyone and everything around me.
Not answering the phones or calling back is wonderful. You found your strength. I hope he will see the error of his ways. So maybe some of us who are experiencing the same issues will have some hope.