My SS just turned 10. Iv'e been in his life since he was one. He really hasn't known a life w/o me. To give some background, BM has been in and out of the picture trough out the years. She has never been consistent on schedules, overnights or her agreed to court filed responsibilities. My husband and I have always been a united primary household and always consistent. 

My SS and I had a few minor struggles when she became more involved and things seemed to turn in to a "she's not your mom" power struggle. We worked on things together and him and I seemed to have a better understanding of roles, etc. Then Covid began, schools were on lock down and all kids were doing distance learning. Thankfully, I had already transitioned to working from home. But the down side to that...it was assumed I would handle ALL the homeschooling responsibilities. Arguing and being disrespectful behavior soon followed from my SS. He struggled focusing on his classwork and video lessons. The more I tried to help or the more I corrected poor behavior when he wasn't involved in his classes, the more he escalated.

The agreement between my husband and I on my role w/ the schooling and homework was within our household and what was best for our family unit. The BM had little to no involvement in the school/homework. The 1 day a week that she had him on alternating weeks, he would always be missing assignments and not getting projects done. Fast forward to beginning of this school year where kids are back to in-person schooling. I am still the primary parent handling all of the homework and projects. I pick him up from school on her weeks and all of his homework is done before she picks up at 5:30-6 in the evening. He continues to miss assignments and projects when he is with her. He continues to argue w/ me over assignments and his daily homework. It escalates to back talking and being disrespectful. He says on a regular basis that I am " all over him all the time". 

I finally reached a point where I have had enough. I will no longer be disrespected and treated the way he treats me. I read several articles on ways to disengage from unhealthy situations w/ stepchildren. I figured "what do I have to loose" and didn't see how it can get any worse. My husband and I sat him down and explained how things will be changing. I will no longer remind or repeat each day what his tasks are. He will be given a checklist on homework items, chore items, and other everyday things that are to be done. I will no longer push him to get projects done on her week. She needs to parent and take responsibility for items that fall on her time. I will not refuse help, but I will also no longer remind him and also repeat to her on what the instructions are for said project. She receieves all the same notices from teachers on assignments, etc. I am not her parent and should not be expected to parent her so she can parent her child. 

I have reached a point that maybe SS needs to see the bigger picture and how little she does so maybe he can be more appreciative. I don't want him to struggle or fall behind but he is also going in to 5th grade. It's time for him to take more responsibility for his schoolwork. I will also no longer pick him up on her weeks. She will be responsible for childcare on sick days, days off from school and aftercare. I feel that I have made things way to easy for her and him for way too long. If I am to be disrespected by them both and made to feel unappreciated than I don't feel I need to be involved. Therefore, I will give disengaging a try.

I worry that this may be too extreme. I feel guilty b/c I don't want him to feel I no longer care . But I am at my wits end. I want him to understand that you can't make a person feel terrible and expect them to treat you llike gold. Am I wrong?