Almost done
Gawd, I am ready to move on. And Frankly I think DH is too for now, SS17 barely passing, His EX is a tenant... Done so much over the years myself to help her and him. Gave her a lot - place to live, helped her get a job, helped her with taxes, helped her with school, books, financial aid, and homework. Loaned her money, bought household items, bought school clothes etc...nSS disregards gifts from us,but covenants items from BM & family.
It predicted most notable of the current events and really see what the future holds for DH and SS. I just know he is going remain a burden and DH is going to have short term memory loss. I know disengagement etc. I am the primary bread winner in our house... I helped fix DH when he was verge of bankruptcy. I've been supporting his business. I've got my own kids with him. I just can't take much more. I am seriously considering divorce myself. I love him, but I can't be the only grownup here.
Now seeing that SS grades and complete lack of discipline and drive to achieve, I don't want to be party to this much longer.... I mean what or where is he going. How long until he gets his MCJob and is telling us he has one on the way? I know, disengage ... Yeah, but it is much easier to type than do.
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AS primary bread winner in
AS primary bread winner in the house, you can set up a budget and cut additional skid costs.
Stop supporting DH, see he's use to you taking the lead and he can follow like a puppy... you will solve all problems.
Simply just stop, it's time for DH to be a man..... and if it boil down to it file for divorce then. A marriage/relationship is way way more then simply love...
You are right... I am a fixer
You are right... I am a fixer with a short fuse when I see people just keep making mistakes. It is even what I do for a living, I troubleshoot other people's problems. I have been told repeatedly to stand down by my husband because of conflicts it causes. I have, dramatically, over the years Weaned myself from his family drama... Much of what I described has been over a 15 year period.
I'm a child and grandchild of divorce-- and I don't want to put my kids through it. I just have a really hard time turning my back on people when I can help.
As of lately especially, I am feeling used. This situation with SS has made me furious because he is no in any way taking his life seriously. I mean he has been offered opportunities to achieve independence and self-reliance. I even offer to help him build collateral in a home for himself, learn how to do remodeling and construction; we offered to help him with a vehicle if he puts in effort. We have a lot of things that we have worked very hard to achieve, and he is being allowed to slack off. I also fear that my younger children will look to this as example. They adore their half-bro, and while I don't want them not to have a relationship- how can I reasonably allow him as an influence in their lives?
I really want to scream at him right now!!! I wished I had half the opportunities that he has had!!!
My DH always thought he, SS, would see through his mom's laziness and BS. It appears it is going to be a long time before my DH is going to see his son waking up and smelling the coffee!
you are stone cold woman - I
you are stone cold woman - I will help BM with her financial vows.... I will give her address to the debt collectors if they ask....
She doesn't live with us. I
She doesn't live with us. I own the apartment where they live
She is still living in the
She is still living in the apartment. We don't pay CS in lieu. We have drastically tapered the extra support over the past 3 years. The insurance debacle caused us to really breakdown and say enough! I feel like I practically raised her as well as helped with SS. She has never really stood on her own feet. After the split -it was to Mommy and Daddy's. Then Mom and Dad lost their house it was the whole lot moved into Grandma's 3 bedroom. After her family drama, she moved to my DH's grandma's house until we got the apartment built. That is where they have been for 10 years now. She is talking about moving out (as she does every year) but I don't think she can get financed on a house. Her apartment is 1600 sq/feet with vaulted ceilings and 2 full bedrooms 2 bath with a den and Just her and him living there.
The stories change all the time, the kid was allowed to drop out and go to online school. She made the decision without checking with DH. Took a text message from the kid as an OK. She half apologize, but I should've known something was up because we never saw transcripts. Finally after two semesters, I see what has been going down! DH had to go to the school to get on the list. Shameful and borderline neglect, he has no reason not to be able to be an A/B student, and he is failing out! No job, just got his licenses almost a year late, behind in school, and no ambition or direction.
I too, have lazy, unambitious
I too, have lazy, unambitious Skids. SD17 failed a class and will have to take it over again in the summer. Her other grades are barely making it and she might not graduate HS. Additionally to graduate, she needs community service hours. Doesn't have those either. And she really has no excuse - doesn't party, or have friends, no boyfriend, doesn't do drugs or have any activity.
You cant help someone who doesn't want to help themselves, Bits, and the sooner you let them loose to figure things out, the better off you will be. You are enabling them, and not really doing anyone any favors. In fact, they will hate you for it, and play victim. That's just how things are.
You sound like you have it figured out and just need to vent. Vent away!
Yes lots of venting because
Yes lots of venting because as Stepmom you cannot vent to DH family mostly. I try not to drag my family in because of resentment. I don't want to talk to work friends because of embarrassment. You guys have become my sounding board. I have read all be a better stepparent crap... And sometimes we DONT have to be the bigger person. We should be petty, spoiled and entitled even it is in an anonymous forum out in cyberspace.
My inner feelings: So Baby Mama - you suck as a human being! And you are raising a leech on society just like YOU! You suck as mother and so did yours because I had to finish the job! 40 yr old child! And the last day I allow you to live in my apartment or write you out your last CS check will cause me to break out the bubbly!!!
yes, there are a great many
yes, there are a great many arguments that I have had over the years, with DH and Skids. All that could have been alleviated had I had a safe place to vent previously. I found out that bottling things up was doing so much harm.
So what is next in the plan for YOU?
I am getting over the
I am getting over the surgery. Going back to work. Push them, toxic twins,out of my mind and finish the remodeling on downstairs. DH has 6 months to get the business st8 otherwise get a job. if he doesn't then he can find another person to clean up his mess! I am going to plan a girls weekend with my very precocious 8yo Bio Daughter and try to start splurging on me! I'm thinking Yoga, new haircut and gym time! I am going to be best I can be in my mid 40s. 2017 is going be the year of ME!
There are a lot of Fixers on
There are a lot of Fixers on this board, including myself. We are often the architects of our own pain because we assume that if we bend enough, we can make things better for everyone. The lesson we are suffering to learn is that it's only when we stand tall and strong that the people in our circle become motivated to make things better themselves.
There are circumstances occurring in your life that are causing you stress and unhappiness. You own a certain amount of responsibility for them, and you also have the power to correct them. I think if you were to put some work into yourself, you'd gain clarity and see what you need to do to recalibrate your life. It must be so exhausting and stressful to be you right now, but I think some sessions with a therapist and a life coach would be incredibly helpful.
Invest in some self-care, and then you'll have no problem drawing up a plan to untangle yourself from all the ticks that are feeding off you. But it starts with thinking only of yourself, being good to yourself, and learning skills to define and draw boundaries so that your DH's baggage doesn't impact you.
I have been disengage slowly
I have been disengage slowly for years... I just try to make up for all the "wrongs". Child of divorce myself so I tried to make it better for them. The more I did the more they overlooked. She is as spoiled as he is... And that is the way it is supposed to be. I just so angry about the school and stressed about the business, I just had surgery and even that could not be about me. I know selfish, but I've had a rough few months and not in best place physically.
You are correct its good
You are correct its good advice