Aren't I a Mother
I am a new step mother ( I have been married since July 2010). I have been having a some very unhappy feeling about my role as a step mother. Prior to getting married my SS would stay with his father occasionally. Maybe 2 weekends out of the month and usually only spent the day because my husband works at night. Once we got married my SS began spending EVERY weekend with us (including the nights). I had this vision that we were going to be one big happy family. My SS has a mother so I just saw myself as an extension of his family. I went from single with not a care in the world to being a parent every Friday-Sunday. I began to notice that my SS's BM was rasing him with no boundaries, no manners, and he was running her household. Well I was not raised that way and never in my life ever considered that a 9 year old would be running my household. Every weekend I had to recondition my SS to the rules of our household. My husband works at night so he is a sleep during most day time hours. So this role was left up to me. I have to constantly reinforce our rules because he seems to forget them from week to week. Needless to say being a part time stepmother is a fully time job. My weekends as I knew them are long gone.
On Mother's Day 2011 I took my SS to the local grocery store to pick out a mother's day card for his mother. We talk about how he could make the day special for her etc because of the sacrifices she makes for him. He gave her the card when she came to pick him up. Well I got no card:( Not from my SS; not from my husband; from no one. I was heart broken. No one said happy Mothers Day to me. No one thank me for the sacrifices I make. The feeling festered and finally I vented to my husband in probably not the best way. The response I got was that I wasn't a "real mother". I was heart broken and crushed. I wanted to undo every weekend I spent with my SS . I wanted undo every moment he challenged me with his disrespect. I wanted every once of energy I poured into that child back. If I am not a "real mother" why should I give so much of myself. He still comes over every weekend. He still forgets the rules. I still have to constantly be remind. He is like any child he still tries to get away with everything. The only difference is now I resent him. I resent him being here. I resent him taking my weekends and my energy. I resent giving my love to a child that is not my own. I hate when people say things to me related to general parenting that include statements "You will see when you have children" don't I already have a child (my SS). Why doesn't that count. Aren't I a mother too?
- Deb2010's blog
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Comments
Your definitely a mother!
Your definitely a mother! Being a stepmom is a thankless job, and it takes strength and maturity to handle it. At least it's just on the weekends, I have my ss all week!! It's normal to resent the child, but know it's not his fault he is the way he is. The only thing u can do is be a positive role model in his life and teach him what his mother is incapable of teaching him. When he gets older he'll appreciate the role you played in his life. Give it some time.
WOW You are a mother and I
:jawdrop: WOW :jawdrop:
You are a mother and I think it is pathetic how people do not recognize "step" parents. Mother’s day is the worst day of the year for me. Every freaking year I go out of my damn way to take my SS8 out to find his BM something special. One year BM bought me a hot plate that said, you’re like a mother to me. Other then that, NOTHING. I do feel bad for DH because he knows how hard it is for me, but nothing he can say or do can make it any better. I do not have a child of my own but my SS is my son. His BM may hate me and may not want me in his life as much as I am, but I know he does and that makes it worth it.
BM will 9/10 times make your life miserable, always know that you do right by your SS and that is what matters. It does suck not being recognized, but those that matter your SS know how important you are.
Deb - as a mother - I
Deb - as a mother - I apologize for your SS's BM's utter lack of class. You should have gotten something. Your DH is a jerk - why would he say such a thing? Heat of the moment maybe? At any rate, as many here will attest, just because you can eject something out of your uterus doesn't make you a mother. Mothers love from the heart - and they needn't be the ones that birthed the child.
I do understand how hurtful that was - my ex said something similarly hateful to me once. I was crushed.
You ARE a mother as well - and any mother job is a thankless one. We give 365 days, adn get one, sometimes.
Its frustrating but try to keep a good relationship with your stepson and ignore the dick comment from your DH, the comments from those who don't know how much of yourself you give, and the inaction of the BM.
You're doing a noble thing - being a mother is the hardest and most enjoyable job in the world.
Being a step-parent means you have all the responsibility and none of the rights. But you can love that kid like he was your own. He WILL remember you - adn he WILL be grateful to you.
JRTerrierMom
It sounds like the first
It sounds like the first "hard" lesson you learned is that mothers (real mothers) don't get kudos or brownie points.
Guess that means you're a "real one."
My skids didn't acknowledge
My skids didn't acknowledge Mother's Day with me at all. Nothing, nada, zip. My DH, however, got me a beautiful card and expressed how much he appreciated all I do for them. He got me a bird bath I wanted too. Kids feel torn sometimes. They may feel guilty, like they're betraying their mom if they give you anything. Your DH's comment was just thoughtless and rude. If it helps any, our BM made plans at a camp for SS on Father's day, and they just never got around to celebrating it with him the next weekend..or ever. That's their bio-dad!
Why resent the kid and not BM
Why resent the kid and not BM and DH?
The parents are taking advantage of you. DH has made his feelings about your role in his kid's life loud and clear.
Spend your weekends pampering yourself. Hang out with friends.
Let the parents deal with SS.
I tend to agree; First off,
I tend to agree; First off, the BM is trying to monkeywrench your marriage and using the SS to do it. Being the bigger person, however, you have risen to the task and admirably recognize the child is just that - a child. Needs attention and parenting, even every weekend. What a great oppty to forge a bond and really piss off the BM someday - I say this b/c it once happened to me, and when the SS began to prefer his time at our house over time at his mother's you can be assured she made sure to adhere to the 'every other weekend; every other holiday' arrangment. I never got a mother's day card or any gifts, and I helped SS to make/buy his worthless BM Mother's Day rememberances every year. Because it was the higher road to take and taught him to value a mother...the upshot? Six years later when I divorced his dad b/c Dad couldn't keep his pants on, SS told me he had a Mother but that I was his Mom. He still Facebooks me and he's on the other side of the country. Guess what else? I get emails on Mother's Day...You keep doing the Right Thing. Maybe every few weeks or so you let the parents know you'll be unavailable for a period of time to take care of you. But keep doing the Right Thing and the payoff will come later.
I honestly don't ever want to
I honestly don't ever want to be referred to as "stepmother" by my skids or anyone for that matter. Skids call me by my first name and hopefully just refer to me as their dad's wife. In my mind, I am not their "mother" simply because I married their father. I can honestly say that I do not love my skids, so therefore I do not feel like ANYONE should refer to me as their mother. I tried, like you, in the beginning, by pouring my heart and soul into those kids, but it was never good enough for BMs and skids. There was always some complaint about me doing something wrong, or not doing enough, or doing too much and so I finally said forget it. A mother should provide love, support, etc. I provide none of those things to skids. I am civil to them like I would be a guest in our home, but that is the extent of it. They are solely DH and BM responsibility now.
I am a mother to my BS1 in every sense of the word and then some. That's good enough for me on Mother's Day and every other day.
Please don't allow the
Please don't allow the pressures of Mothers Day to undermine all your good work. It says a lot for you that your SS chose to start visiting more often when you and your DH married, he obviously likes you and enjoys spending time with you. Don't underestimate what a triumph that is on your part. Mothers Day can be a painful reminder that we are doing a lot of the work of mothers without the formal recognition, but just because you did not get a card or gift does not mean that you are not appreciated, it does mean that your husband is blind to the sensitivity of the issue and he is not the first to make that mistake.
I used to hate Mothers Day even though common sense told me that I was not their mother and was therefore irrational to feel left out and resentful. It would never have occured to DH to prompt his children to do something for me on that day and to be honest I would not have wanted him to force the issue. But it would have meant something for HIM to acknowledge me on that day and express his appreciation. I think this is what you need to communicate to your husband - the stuff you do for SS you are really doing for your DH, to love and support him, and HE should understand and acknowledge that. Only you can assess whether your husband's 'not a real mother' remark reflects a real rejection of your contribution, or just insensitive bewilderment because he doesn't understand why Mothers Day feels significant for you. But one thing is certain you should not set yourself up for hurt by taking responsibility for cards and gifts for SS's mother - that is his or your DH's responsibility. Ironically his birth mother would probably not have got a card if you had not facilitated it.
On a final note, it took several years for my stepchildren to accept and appreciate my mothering role in their lives, but it did happen. Suddenly 5 years after we first met and a year after I married DH and had my own daughter, they started to get me a small gift and a card. It meant a lot, because it was their choice.