I spent yesterday evening 'chairing' a family crisis meeting after I learned that my youngest SK (12) tried to commit suicide by hanging after I'd left for work and before her Dad came home from work the previous evening. This was after an episode of cutting which I wasn't informed about as my DH also felt like blaming me, and had been in contact with the school and others without my knowledge.
I thought I'd 'cleared the air' with the SK at the weekend when we had a heart to heart, a cry and lots of hugs. I initiated this as I was exhausted from the constant tension, bad attitude and general hatred I felt in the house. DH refuses to support me, for reasons I will probably never understand, apart from an obvious selfish tendency to stick his head in the sand and leave me to try and deal with things. Of course my attempts at sorting out our differences don't always have the positive outcome I would like and I have been feeling excluded by my 'family' and neglected by my DH for over a year now, which only adds to my frustration and anger.
I cannot describe the emotional exhaustion I am feeling right now - I would just like to have someone tell me what I know already but feel so undermined about at the moment - that I'm a good person trying to make the best of a terrible situation.
After 2 hours of what I considered very plain but supportive talking, SK claimed that talking didn't help. The drawing she'd completed earlier is in the same vein as another I took out of her bedroom when I took it upon myself to remove anything that she may use to cause herself further harm - it was of a noose and the usual negative words associated with someone in distress. BUT, as I pointed out yesterday, pre-teens are very sensitive to peer opinions and as a talented artist SK may also have the destructive temperament often associated with artists/musicians.
Some reasons for these suicidal feelings came out but most were directed at me for saying things like she'll never be a rockstar. What I actually said was it's 'unlikely' this would happen but to keep at it. Little comments and also heat of the moment accusations towards her Dad's inability to discipline his kids were also thrown at me and apparently have been recorded on her device.
I feel like I am guilty before being found innocent. I actually made a list of all the things I'd done with and for the SKs since I'd been here. It's a big list, but she has no perspective so it's irrelevant to her at the moment and disregarded by the other family members.
I feel so alone, but please be aware that I do not welcome any religion-based empathy, it just ins't my bag. That may have alienated a fair few well-meaning people already but that's how it is.
Thanks for reading.