We just don't care...
BM (38) just had another baby last week. She has a 20 y/o son, SD14, and now a newborn. All different fathers. She is currently living with the boyfriend, but has no plans of getting married and still has DHs last name.
I try to avoid interaction at all costs with SD, but we were stuck in the car together yesterday. She made multiple random comments about BM...
- She was sooooo sick while she was pregnant, IDK how she had a big baby
- I was only 7 pounds, IDK how ____ was a whopping 9 pounds!
- and something else I can't even remember.
I held my tongue and said nothing. I WANTED to say, "no sh!t you are different, you all have different dads!!!" DH just said mmmhmmm. NEITHER one of us cares about her becoming yet another baby momma, and frankly it's just annoys us both when SD14 brings it up. We think it's trashy and her living/baby situation doesn't concern us. We can do without the details. Do we just keep ignoring and hope SD catches the hint? She's not great at that....
BM also tries to bring up the newborn in every text she sends to DH. It's like she wants a congratulations or acknowledgment or something from us. Weird!
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It's interesting when you
It's interesting when you stop caring you really stop being interested in anything they have to say or do UNLESS it directly impacts you. That's how I feel - it's kind of fun to get to that point. You don't care. Then I try to conjure up emotions, love and care for something else - I am not going to become cold and dull by them just redirect my energy and thoughts. Good for you Dogmom1321!
Right!? Unless it's something
Right!? Unless it's something like a change in the summer visitation schedule, don't care! And even then... a change in schedule is more me wanting to be aware of what's going on in my own household, not even direct involvement.
Yep. My SKIDs are adults now
Yep. My SKIDs are adults now - they make much BIGGER life decisions and I am over here knitting away shrugging my shoulders and staying uninvolved. Old me would care, feel responsible and want to run out and help them- decade + I've learned to steer clear, be neutral and disengage. Much more peaceful. You are learning a lot faster than I did- way to go.
Womb-Worship
Her worth is the babies she keeps popping out.
Hmm, makes sense! Needing
Hmm, makes sense! Needing validation for her self-worth...
BioHo's worth was CS for
BioHo's worth was CS for pooping out babies. She wanted to have another baby with Mr Pinhead and was INCENSED when she lost her ability to reproduce.
It's up to her father to shut
It's up to her father to shut down the BM talk. For you it's time to let your mind wander and throw out a few hmmms and that's nice.
BM's spawning problem.... is
BM's spawning problem.... is not your problem, or SO's problem. It isn't even SD's problem. Though SD will have to suffer her idiot mother's poor choices.
I would adopt the Grey Rock model on the entire topic. Do not even recognize the topic. If SD brings up BM's new crotch product, just tell SD that the baby is not a consideration in your lives and SD doesn't need to worry about the baby when SD is on her time in your home and family.
Lather, rinse, repeat.
We lived this with SS when he was under the CO. SS-31 is an only in our marriage and the eldest of 4 for his Spermidiot. All out of wedlock by 3 different baby mamas. SS obviously had concerns for his younger half sibs. Mainly because of the PAS manipulative bullshit that SpermGrandHag would plaster SS with during SpermLand visitation. We had to counter it with the facts keeping SS increasingly abreast with the entire fact set in an age appropriate manner.
Eventually, SS came to the realization that he could not save his three younger half sibs and at some point their choices to follow the Spermidiot's example of poor choices were on #2 (on the dole), #3 (in prison), and #4 (not fr behind the convict) and SS had a duty to himself to live his best life.
While you and SO cannot entirely counter BM's bullshit and toxic influence on SD, you can set an example of a quality partnership, a quality life, and demonstrate what being viable self supporting adults look like.
A question, does the new BM spawn have SO's last name or the SpermDad's name? If BM put SO's name on an unrelated spawn, if I were SO, I would investigate legal action. I'm not sure what could actually be done about it, but, I would make BM's life hell to the highest level I could for that shit. Or, more accurately, make BM's life hell to the lowest depths of Hades.
New baby has the boyfriend's
New baby has the boyfriend's last name - thank goodness! I still can't fathom why BM holds onto DHs last name... at least change it back to your maiden name. The whole "keeping it so I can have the same last name as my kids" is really out the window with this one lol.
I would have DH point out
I would have DH point out that his last name should be surrendered since she has spawned with anouther baby daddy. Keep asking why she doesn't love her new baby enough to have the baby's last name.
BioHo kept DH's last name
BioHo kept DH's last name despite the youngest (Spawn) having her baby daddy's last name. 'Ho was all set to hyphenate with DHLastName-BabyDaddyLastName when she married " the love of her life" (more like "the pecker of the moment) when Spawn's baby daddy caught 'Ho cheating and dumped her. When 'Ho married Mr. Pinhead, she hyphenated DHLastName-Pinhead. She should change it to CheetinHo-Luvs2phuq...
SD14 can't help it
I went thru a similar thing when I first met SDthen10. Her mom was pregnant by her new boyfriend and they had a volatile relationship which was disturbing to the kids. She talked about her, I think it was a release to talk about it to a "neutral" adult ( if only she knew how un-neutral I was about BM). I said "umm" a lot.
Just keep ingnoring her. No
Just keep ingnoring her. No comment is better than what you really want to say! And, I really don't believe in telling a kid that she can't talk about the other parent. That is her parent and is a part of her life. My DH never wanted his daughter to think that she couldn't talk to him about things.
I actually kind of get a kick out of hearing about BM's train wreck of a life. My SD32 doesn't talk to DH about her excessively, just enough that we know she's gone through her 6th divorce, is now using some other poor, unsuspecting guy, but also messing around with one of the ex husbands (#4, I think). And she shares an apartment with her 35 or 36 year old son (not DH's). She's living the dream!
I agree that a kid should not
I agree that a kid should not be told not to talk about the other parent or the dynamic in play with the people in the other parent's home/relationship/family.
We fostered conversation with SS on it all. We discussed everything on our side as well. In a measured age appropriate manner.
When SS was upset about the goings on in SpermLand we would listen, engage in conversation, and after he had gotten it all out we would reassure him that the drama there did not have to be brought with him when he returned home. We expressed concern and regrets that things were not going well there. The primary message was that he no longer had to deal with that since he was home and that we hoped that it was all resolved before his next visitation.
He has commented a number of times over the post CO years that he appreciates that we gave him a peaceful home and childhood and we have always listened and advised him to care but to protect himself. He still struggles with the justapostion of knowing that these are people he is supposed to love but having no respect for them. A sad thing for even a Skidult to have to navigate.
That is so nice SS was able
That is so nice SS was able to voice his feelings!
Unfortuntely, SD14 has weaponized it against DH. She would then go back to BM in a "guess what my Dad said about you" fashion. Instead of actually using the conversations they had for support, she turned it into more drama. Hence DHs resvervation to actually engage in a conversation about BM period.
I wish that were the scenerio for SD14! Sadly not though.
When my SD was young, DH didn
When my SD was young, DH didn't really comment when she talked about BM, we never said anything negative about her.
Now that SD is an adult, he still doesn't say much, but he doesn't feel the need to keep completely quiet. SD knows that he thinks her mom is a manipulative nutcase.
This is exactly why the kids need the facts... IMHO.
"guess what my Dad said about you"
We do not say anything about the SpermClan. We share the facts. Yes, those facts are entirely associated with the SpermClan but .... facts are neither good nor bad, they are merely facts.
An arrest warrant, secret divorce, etc, etc, etc... are facts. That is not badmouthing the other parent, it is making the kid aware of the facts so the kid can have an opportunity to protect themselves from the manipulations of that side of their gene pool.
If the kid chooses to ignore the facts and sniff the ass of the toxic parent, then the kid is called out.
"So, why do you think XYZ and LMNOP is okay?" Do not let the kid disengage from the conversation until every little thing is clearly discussed and they provide a response.
Reviewing the CO, court reporter transcripts, ranting voice messages, raging e/m and texts, arrest records reviewing every sordid little detail with the SkidTeen, etc, etc, etc.... The quality side owes the kid the facts IMHO.
If the kid continues to choose to sniff the ass of the shallow and polluted side of their gene pool, then the good side has to start holding the kid accountable for that choice. This Skid is only 4 years from no longer being under a CO and will then have to suffer the consequences of her choice to sniff mommy's toxic ass. If that is what SD-14 chooses to do.
SS-31 was increntally introduced to the facts when he would return from SpermLand visitation after being PASd, lied to, and manipulated. He would ask questions about mean things the SpermGrandHag said we did, we proved the opposite. He was mortified by the lies and manipulations. They did not stop their manipulation attempts when he turned 18 after graduating from HS. But he was full informed, ready, and able to effectively defent himself from their crap. Now in his 30s,they know better than to try their usual shit. He is very firm in direct in rubbing their noses in the stench of the stains they have made in their own life carpet.
Kids need the facts. Whether they want them or not and whether they like them or not.
I guess the problem DH runs
I guess the problem DH runs into is that SD14 doesn't see it as facts... she defends BM. For example, DH: "I initiated a divorce because BM was cheating while I was overseas." SD14:"Well she said you were abusing you." Doesn't mean that her cheating wasn't true! SD just always has a comeback and a rationale for whatever BM does.
DH: "Your mom doesn't follow the custody schedule and only uses her time when it does not interfere with her personal plans." SD14: "She is a hardworking night shift nurse and is too tired after she has worked ALL night to pick me up from school."
REPEAT. SD14 then gets annoyed and mad for facing the TRUTH about BM because she can't accept it. I fully expect SD14 to follow in BMs footsteps in a few years. Minimal education, difficulty holding a job, and poor friendships/relationships. As long as she is not in our house, I no longer care the path she goes down :)
Exactly why the Divorce
Exactly why the Divorce records, CO, etc.. .are critical to keeping a toxic parent's ass sniffing minion kid in touch swith reality.
The facts align the key question that needs to be asked after every related incident. "Why are you choosing to ignore the facts?"
Make the discussion about the Skid's choices and not about mommy. 1. Here are the facts. 2. Why are you choosing to ignore the facts? While the facts are invariably about Mommy and the SD, the discussions are about the Skid's choices.
Lather.... rinse.... repeat.
When my SD was 15, she
When my SD was 15, she started a whole thing with DH and he told her the truth, that BM was the one that cheated, not DH. If she refused to believe it then, she believes it, now, as she has seen BM's ways. But, all of BM's lies and manipulation severely damaged DH's relationship with his daughter.
Like you, I didn't care what path SD took. I wanted her to have a good life but if she chose to follow BM's guidance, I wasn't going to lose any sleep over it. She did, and I haven't, that's all on her.
My SD now realizes that she could have had a different, better life had she just not followed BM's lead. Oh well.
This is a poster example of
This is a poster example of why I never tolerate any deviation from the facts, truth, reality, and official records. If I were targeted by my X who was lying to my kid, I would sue that idiot constantly for defamation, fraud, child endangerment, and anything else I could think up. Even if a Judge told me to knock it off, I would keep filing.
Just disengage from BM
What she does doesn't effect you, unless you let it. As taking SK mort time.