OK grounding for one day per hanger is a bit much lol. I will never understand some people's reasoning if she doesn't want to help then she gets no help seems like a no brainer. I also don't believe in discipline being doled out by someone who does not love or at least care deeply about the person being disciplined. You can only present a united front if both parties are on the same page. Your poor dd 63 days because you insist on disciplining someone else's kid. I know it's hard but your focus should be on your relationship and raising your daughter making sure your SD doesn't get away with everything shouldn't be your focus.

You both sound petty to me. Can you two call a truce and work out a better way to move forwards? It is not healthy for any of you to live in a house where this kind of nonsense goes on, you two adults need to sort it out before it does lasting damage to your marriage or your children.

The problem with the 'us against them' that your counselor is asking you to use, Doorsy, is that your DH is NOT following it. You shouldn't have HAD to threaten SD or go get the hangers. If it was truly DH & Doorsy vs SD & DD, your DH would have gotten up and made SD get the hangers, or handed down the punishment himself. He also could have pulled you aside and said that while SD should get consequences, two weeks of grounding is too much. Instead your DH is caught in a DH & SD vs Doorsy & DD.

You agreeing to punish DD for not bringing you every single hanger (when that is not what you originally asked for) has turned it into DH & Doorsy & SD vs DD. Don't be surprised if your DD starts acting out. Honestly I would say that you allowing DD to be punished when she didn't do anything wrong is abusive. YOU are letting your daughter be abused in the name of keeping your man.

BTW, my DH says your DH is a dumb@ss who shouldn't be a parent if he's that f&*(ing childish, and if my DH were your DD's dad, he'd be having some words with his lawyer about changing custody to get DD out of your home. So it's not just my opinion.

Edit to add: While 14 days may be exessive, DH and I have done similar things. It may be excessive for this single incident, but when it's a continuing thing the excessive consequences are an eye-opener.

Drop the grounding for both SD and DD then disengage. H is showing that he wants you to care more for his child than he does. Not training, disciplining nor teaching your child is parental abdication.

You simply cannot care more about a child than the bio parent. Especially when he's sitting right there observing the drama. You probably won't be able to announce your disengagement and be prepared for an angry response from H when he sees you will no longer take 100% of the responsibility while, at the same time, having 0% authority over HIS child.

here's an oldy but goody:
http://www.steptogether.org/help.html

You both have been playing the tit for tat game since you started posting here. Between the ruined Christmas dinner and the backpack fight, it sounds so miserable at your house. You both need to to disengage.

Again stop parenting SD, I agree your dd has to feel horrible in this situation.

Again stop parenting SD, I agree your dd has to feel horrible in this situation.

Yes, SD should have gone to get coat hangers.
Yes, DD did go get 10 coat hangers.

But, I'm stunned that your DD had an additional 63 coat hangers in her room. She knew you needed hangers and yet she only chose to bring ten.

DD is 13. SD is 16. Time for both of them to learn to sort, wash, dry, fold, hang, and iron if necessary. It's a life skill they both need to know. You teach DD. DH teaches SD.

If DH doesn't know how, teach him and SD at the same time. He can then help SD when she forgets to do her laundry. Then post the instructions the washer, the dryer, and the iron so no one can claim forgetfulness. They all can read.

Teaching Life skills is correct.

It is time for your dh to show his bio child some. PUT it back on him. You can do that with out any tit for tat. Say nothing and do nothing works very well.

I feel like grounding punishes the parent more than the kid! It would be really hard to enforce 2 weeks of grounding if you can't even get her to bring you her hangers plus DH will fight you about it.

I would stop doing her laundry. Eventually she'll either get in line or DH will take over...unless he's like my DH. I've been sick this week and havent done laundry for anyone. DH couldn't find any clean underwear (because they were all in the dirty pile) so he went out and bought a new pack of undies. Gotta love his proactive solution

OMFG! Are you people serious? Are you ACTUALLY saying that you think DD, who got off her ass and went and got a handful of hangers when asked, should be PUNISHED more than the LAZY POS SD who did NOTHING simply because you dislike DOORSY?

Where the hell did common sense go? No matter how you feel about Doorsy's actions - saying that her DH is fully justified in punishing DD for ONLY bringing 10 hangers when no specific number of hangers were specified, is one of the most DISGUSTING displays of victim blaming I have ever seen!!! Out of all of the people in that damn house, DD is the ONLY one who didn't do anything wrong, and you FUCKING VULTURES are picking on her. I'm having a hard time thinking anyone on this thread should have procreated or give ANY parenting advice from the level of sheer idiocy! Wow!

I'm not a perfect parent or stepparent. But for the love of all that is Holy, please pull your heads out of your asses stop blaming the victim just because you have no other defense!!!!

OP you have said you don't want to disengage from SD because your DH will quit doing things for your DD. What does he do for your daughter? Is it something that only he can do? Because it is clear that disengagement is the only thing that is going to bring any sort of peace to your household until you and DH decide to grow up.

And DD did absolutely nothing wrong. She should not be punished, and the idea that you even thought for a moment that she should be punished in order to make a point to SD is disturbing.

The OP and her husband like the crazy I'm right, you're wrong fighting world that they've created.

Some people like to live like this.
They would never admit that they like it, in fact they'll say how much they hate it but they keep going back to it over and over.
Nothing ever changes and they keep on fighting. They go to their respective friends and families and sites like this telling everyone how wrong the other one is. They get sympathy and why do you stay, he/she is such an ass!

But in the end nothing changes, no one gives in, they just continue on their merry way sweeping us up occasionally in their drama.

Wait, sometimes things do change. They divorce but keep fighting and keep pulling others into their drama till those people find this site and complain about how enmeshed their DH/SO/BF is with his ex!

It think that the combination of you and your DH is toxic for both SD and DD. Do these kids a favor and get a divorce.

Since it is unlikely that either you or DH will grow up in time to actually set a viable example of a mature adult relationship for either of these girls it is probably a good time to cut your losses and move on.

I will recognize that your DD did follow instructions while SD ignored them completely. Your DH is just an idiot.

smh

The DH in this story is an idiot. If DD complied with the original request she obviously should not be punished in anyway.

When OP said you will be grounded for each hanger I find, that should have prompted SD to get up and run to go get the hangers before OP went in there. Even just to check if she really thought there were none.

It's apparent to SD got two chances to go and didn't as well as lied about there being none.

SD basically chose the grounding rather than running to go get the hangers. She had a fair warning.

Doorsy, I don't think you should be doing for your SD nor should you be giving out her punishments without back up from your H. The only outcome you can expect, is one of all out war in your home. It is just not worth it.

A few life lessons would be better. How about your husband does for his young teen and you don't do for either of them for a little while. I found showing was a much better option than doing.

In my opinion, your husband acted like an adolescent asshole. Nobody asked for his stupid opinion, nobody asked him how many hangers were in anyone's closet. This was a moment between you and the two girls. If you would have been angry at your DD for not bringing hangers and grounded HER for 14 days do you think your DH would have inserted himself into the mix and taken it upon himself to go and see how many hangers SD had in her closet? Hell no. That's just being an asshole.

And I totally get what you were trying to do. I don't think you actually planned on grounding SD for 14 days, I think it was more of an eye opener. Kind of like I used to tell BS7 if he didn't pick up his toys when I asked him, I would get a garbage bag and pick them up myself and throw them in the trash. Would I really throw all his toys in the trash? No. But he doesn't need to know that and the threat sure as shit made him think twice about disobeying me. You threatened your SD, unlike my BS7 who knows I'm not messing, your SD ignored you and didn't care. So YES, she should be grounded... maybe not the whole 14 days, but she SHOULD be grounded.

But good luck with that, since your DH aligned himself with her and made a spectacle out of the whole thing and taught SD that you are someone who does not need to be respected. Effective immediately I would cease doing ANYTHING for either one of them.

73 hangers???? Why on earth????