A Question of Power...

:?
Hi,
So this is my first post.
I've been through the wringer as many on here have and I have a question for you all about power.

So a little background first.
I met my partner on a visit to New Zealand and we got together so I stayed. Due to immigration requirements, we had to live together or I had to leave. So we lived together. At the time, he had three daughters SD12, SD14 and SD16 who were with us for 3 weekends a month. Supposedly.

Then about 5 months in his middle daughter who had just turned 15 moved in with us. She was being emotionally abused by her mother. I have never met her mother.

They are now all SD15, SD17, and nearly SD19. All in all they are good girls. Very messy but in general respectful. SD17 and I unfortunately are the least likely to get along. I"m a bit of a hippy chick and she's more of a country bumpkin type with the usual less than liberal views that come with that. She also swears like a toilet - very loudly - as her natural speech pattern, which I find highly offensive especially in my home.

So in the last two and half years there have been many incidents around power in the home and him taking sides against me with the girls. To be fair, he does work with me on some stuff...like after a while when I couldn't take the swearing any longer he supported having them all swear less, especially SD17.

But other times it has been horrible. He even called me the C word in front of SD15 and SD17 of them. I did get quite angry at SD17 because she came in announcing that her BF was giving her a TV and she was going to set it up in our lounge - where don't have a TV and where I don't want one. So he and SD17 and SD15 were sitting at the kitchen table talking about how they were gonna do this. and i was standing right there...and they didn't even ask me once what I thought. This came after several months of sitting at dinner with dad and SD17 and her pointedly ignoring me. So I was feeling dissed already. And I got angry and told her this was not her decision and she didn't get to dictate in the house. And I don't remember what else. And then he went off at me for going off at her and called me that word. (We have, after a lot of discussion, come to an understanding of how unacceptable this is.)

So that's one example of me not being given what I think is normal power in my home.
I will provide two more:
1. SD19 was going to be spending the summer at her mothers and not coming to our place. One Friday she calls asking where is dad. He needs to pick me up for the weekend. I was surprised and not pleased. We dn't have rooms for everyone and after a year and half of having someone sleeping in the lounge pretty much every weekend, I was so looking forward ot not having to wait for kids to wake up. So I told her something like when did this happen? And why are we just finding out now? And she was like, it doesn't matter. I need to be picked up. And I said it was fair of her to drop this on us and she hung up on me. When she arrived, she came in and sat in the lounge. I went in and told her quite calmly that I didn't appreciate her hanging up on me and I also didn't appreciate her not giving us any notice.
She then blithely announced that she would be taking over our lounge for the next four days starting at 5 pm till her getting up time, usually not before 1 pm. When I objected, she said, "No dad and I already decided and that's what's happening." I said no, no it isn't. She can't just do that and neither can he. " and that I needed to be included in any convo of that type. He walks in. I look to him for support and he started telling me off for making her "feel unwelcome". The nerve of it. To this day he stands by his story that she was some poor little victim in the corner on the floor and i was the big bad woman standing over her. Trust me. This young woman knows how to stand up for herself. She is no victim and I am no abuser. I didn't even raise my voice.
2. I was sitting in the lounge on a Saturday afternoon watching a movie on my laptop with no one home. A lovely treat. SD17 walks in. Looks around. Grabs her headphones off the table and walks out. I think nothing of it. Next minute he is there telling me she is telling him how selfish I am for sitting in the lounge when she and her friends had to all squash up in her room. He seemed to not agree. But. Not long after, he and SD15 and I are sitting down and it came up. He and SD15 both said that since I had a room (I had to have a room to get sleep - he snores), then I really shouldn't use the lounge.

Anyway it goes on and on.
I have been trying to explain to him that things like that are just not fair. He kinda treats me like I am one of his kids to manage. When we first talked about me staying, I told him very clearly that I would be "Queen" of the house. Meaning I would have authority in my home and be treated with respect and asked before things are done. He agreed at the time, but has since expressed a few times, how he sees the house as his family home. He doesn't want to coparent, which I'm fine with, but he also doesn't give me my rights as woman of the house.
I have read a lot of the blogs here and I see I am not alone in this type of scenario and am even quite lucky in comparison to some stories.

So at this point, I am not going to be living with them anymore because I just can't get him to understand. He thinks I just want to dominate and have power over everyone. How can I explain this normal need for power in one's home over and above the power children have, so that he can understand it.
thanks for listening,
Zahra

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Leave his a$$. He's treating

Leave his a$$. He's treating you like a 4th daughter. Sending you to your room - hell no.

sorry sweetie but if he's

sorry sweetie but if he's displaying this type of behavior now, its likely to continue. I don't know about you but I'll be damned if a kid gets to curse and run things in my home. I will be even more damned if my man is encouraging that crap!

Just re read your story and

Just re read your story and you will see the answer. You come fourth, your are the fourth child the child he get s*x with

Out of curiosity, what were

Out of curiosity, what were you thinking, sweetie? Why didn't you run home the second this weird guy undermined your position in the house? How long did it take for him to go back on his promise that you are queen of the castle? A few days? Weeks?

Are you able to return home? Do you have the funds? Are you safe?

Well thanks everyone. so you

Well thanks everyone. so you dont think there is a way for him to understand this? I know he is torn. You see, we were an instafamily. I didn't even know his kids when we first started to live together. So there was no intro. Which makes me more understanding of his not wanting to impose even more on them. And note I said he did hear me on the swearing.

I'm a bit shocked at y'alls reaction actually.

He is torn? He isn't torn

He is torn? He isn't torn about anything. He is an a$$ and he has no respect for you. He tells you to stay in your bedroom
When kids visiting? I'd start packing that same day. Unbelievable

No no. It's not exactly like

No no. It's not exactly like that. Of course I would leave. It is more that he thinks there are times the kids can get priority over the lounge. I mean I agree. It's a shared space. The problem here was that she never said anything. She didn't ask if she could have the lounge to hang with herfriends, which I wouldn't mind. I could have watched my movie in my room. But I was put down for not giving up the space even though she did not ask for it. I'm not even sure he has ever properly registered that she didn't ask.
That's all.

Honey, you are the adult in

Honey, you are the adult in the house. "Shared space" means the kids can use it if you are not using it. Don't backpeddle on your strong stance because you don't like the idea of leaving him. You deserve to have respect and status as an adult in your own home.

Are you ok? Do you have

Are you ok? Do you have anyplace to go to if you leave him? Do you have family or friends in your home country that can help you? I'm really worried about you. Do you have a job? Money of your own?

Seriously? Am I really

Seriously? Am I really putting up with more than is reasonable? I am travelling right now. I just went to London to visit family and now in US visiting my son. When I get back I have already told him I will not be living with him until his daughter moves out. SD19 is going off to Uni. SD17 is moving in with her boyfriend and SD15 lives with her mother and we get along great anyway. So just having some pressure free time where we don't have to deal with living together with kids. I mean we had no time to even get to know each other cos of immigration which can't fathom that you might have a real relationship even if not living together.

"Seriously? Am I really

"Seriously? Am I really putting up with more than is reasonable?"

The man called you a C&@#$. Yes, yes you are putting up with more than is reasonable

I can't figure out why would

I can't figure out why would stay with a man after he callef you such a vile name.

Why on earth do you want to be QUEEN of a house when the KING of the house has zero respect for you?

I work with Kiwis so I kind

I work with Kiwis so I kind get what you mean by their swearing. They are one of the worst offenders without doubt.
I, however believe the father should show his teenage daughters good examples.
Is he a Maori ? If you don't mind me asking..

No. He's not Maori. And the

No. He's not Maori. And the swearing problem is more than just his BD17. Everyone swears. The girls do make an effort to swear less since we asked them to. But they all feel like they "can't feel at home" if they have to alter their speech. So if they swear I feel uncomfortable and if they don't I feel guilty for being oppressive. Actually anything I complain about is just me being oppressive.
SD17 has her boyfriend start sleeping over 7 nights a week. No asking. Just did it. After a while I raised the issue with him and we came to an agreement that he couldn't stay over more than 4 nights a week. He was supposed to let them know by end of day Sunday, this was a Thursday, but he took three weeks to tell them.
It's always the same story - if we limit them in any way they wont feel like it's their home and they are too old to accept a new authority.

I guess I've been feel guilty for them not feeling like they have a home.

Absolutely none of this

Absolutely none of this treatment of you is acceptable. At the very least, moving out until his girls go to uni is a start. But continue reading here. They will not change just because you don't live there. Their father is showing you ZERO respect as an independent adult. He has set up this terrible dynamic in the home, and the girls are not likely to change how they treat you. You will always be the outsider.

I love the expression ''start as you intend to carry on.'" This has not started well - he has not set you up as an authority in the home - and that will not likely change. Things can be fine in the future if the girls are not around. But once they are back, you will most likely find yourself back to the fourth daughter role.

How do you want to live your life? We all see how he wants you to live. What do you want for yourself?

OK, so I am the reverse of

OK, so I am the reverse of you. I am a kiwi married to an American living in the USA.
And yes, sometimes I feel like I am the poor cousin or uninvited guest who is sitting at a table in a pile of books. After 12 yrs things are wonderful but it took a lot of work and adjustments.
But instead of leaving NZ and working on your relationship you decided to stay and THEN expect the family dynamics to change just because you moved in? It baffles me why people let their hearts rule over their heads especially over life changing decisions.
He added you into his life and hasn't made any changes to his life. You have been expected to just fit in. Is he missing you? Do you talk every day while you are away? Do you text all the time?
If the answer is 'not really/ not much" it sounds like it is time to sit down and plan a future option a and option b. It may be that you don't stay in NZ and move back to your home country. Or you sit down with your partner and explain to him that if he wants you to stay you expect certain changes. And stand by your decision.

Hi, Yes we talk and text

Hi,
Yes we talk and text every day. We've been spending a lot of time working through all this stuff.
He feels like the girls are too old to accept a new authority in the home....

Yes I agree and have said

Yes I agree and have said this. the lines start to blurr though. and he honestly sees it as I'm just power hungry and does not seem to understand at all the difference and how impossible it is for me to "just relax" and "let stuff go" and be okay with being the outsider - as someone so aptly put it. Because that is how I have felt exactly. I have really been wondering if I am crazy and power hungry as he says. It's so good to have everyone just completely get this!

That's a really lame excuse.

That's a really lame excuse. He's basically telling you that his daughters don't have the brain power to adapt and thrive in new situations. They will spend their lives having to get used to new authorities- in their home, at work, at college. What will they do when they get married and their husband wants half the decision making power? Will they have daddy come explain that his little princess is too old to accept a new authority in her home and SIL is just out of luck?

So I'll ask this: what do you want? What are you looking for on here? Validation that you aren't power hungry? Personally I don't think you are but we don't have the whole story. Now that you have a sane perspective from people who support you (btw, what do your friends and family say?) what are you going to do? Nothing we say will change your living situation and it doesn't look like your boyfriend is willing to make the effort. You seem comfortable with yourself and have confidence; what is it about this man, that you constantly have to "work on," that makes him so attractive to you? There's a million other men out there for you to pick from, many of those won't call you atrocious names or tell you to defer to children in your own home.

Well we only knew each other

Well we only knew each other a short time before it came time to decide - 4 months. I guess I was scared to lose him if I left.

I'm sorry you are going

I'm sorry you are going through this. I know some comments can seem harsh, but sometimes they really are eye openers. I agree that not living with them is a good idea. He needs to have respect for you and that is your home - teenagers dont make the rules!The two of you need to be on the same page. Best of luck and I hope it all works out for you!

He even called me the C

He even called me the C word

I can't imagine why you would stay with him.

The fact is, you moved in with him to soon and didn't really know him. Now, you do know him and you know that he's an ass.

It seems like some men love

It seems like some men love to use the C word. Very unbecoming I would say. But it is just a word. Queen is much better. You should be queen of your house. I understand how you must feel.

Thank you. I mean there's

Thank you. I mean there's alot more to this than just being called that. However, he does now understand that is is unacceptable and does not use it anymore.
But I disagree it's just a word. It has a clear meaning and is the most disrespectful word a man can call a woman. Period. So after he knows that, it ceases to be just a word he likes to use. Every word is just a word. And yet, they all have a meaning, a connotation and a reason they are being used.
sorry but he tried to use that argument and if it works for you to tell yourself that when someone is insulting you, it's just words, okay good. Not me.

It sounds like you have

It sounds like you have reached your limit with this man. There is never a time in a relationship where you should throw insults at one another. It may feel good for a slight moment but then the damage is done. Sorry you are hurting.

Meanings change with

Meanings change with cultures. You changed cultures, the meaning of the word is less forceful and less strong in your new environment than it was where you used to live. It is good that you two discussed this and that he now knows how you feel about the word and will avoid using it but you cannot hold it against him forever that you two are from different cultures and sometimes those cultures will clash unexpectedly.

Yes thanks. I did give that

Yes thanks. I did give that some thought and he made that claim. Oh it's cultural. So I did a quick survey of kiwi women with partners.
Question: "What if your partner called you the C word?'
Out of nearly 20 I have asked, answers ranged from:
"I would hit him over the head with a frying pan." to "I would effing kill him."

I am assured by Kiwi women that it is just not an okay word to use.

"It seems like some men love

"It seems like some men love to use the C word. Very unbecoming I would say. But it is just a word."

It's not just a word when it used by a man who claims to love you.

If any son of mine uses the

If any son of mine uses the "C" directed at a woman, especially to her face, I will sock him in the jaw myself. There are just some things you don't do.

I can let things like this

I can let things like this roll off my shoulders. But some women find it offensive. I am sure you have called someone a name and wish you hadn't before. But I think name calling is very childish. And ladies hate the c word.

Sure but after the first

Sure but after the first time, when the person knows and then they do it deliberately?

I can understand. He is wrong

I can understand. He is wrong to keep saying that deliberately.

I was having feelings similar

I was having feelings similar to yours as I'm sure most SMs on her...that the kids have no respect and I'm supposed to just take it. I recently explained to fiance that although I love him dearly, I also love and value myself. I moved out and live 15 minutes away. He told me that if we didn't live together, then we'd break up. I stood my ground and moved out. We didn't talk for over a week. Yes it hurt like hell.

A few days he contacts me saying he's being open minded and will do wherever it takes. We're gonna live separate until the kids are older and gone or until he can FIRST prove that the kids are respectful and there's house rules, etc.

I have never felt so much anxiety prior to leaving, and never imagined the calming peacefulness in my life now... clean house, no kids invading my space, their decisions and life do not affect my life...

He does not respect you, as others have pointed out, and he won't until you respect yourself enough first. People only treat you how you allow them. If that takes moving out... do it. Life is way too short to live under this constant tension and stress.

At least his kids are older, hopefully they don't stick around as useless furniture.

Good luck. I hope you love yourself enough to demand more than what you're accepting now. He won't change while he's getting what he wants. It's like that saying "change only happens when there's change".

Thanks. That's very helpful.

It sounds like your home life

It sounds like your home life is very stressful for everyone. You moved in and then all of a sudden your partner no longer had sufficient bedrooms to house all of his kids (I read that his 15 yr old moved in full time after you, but I bet when he first moved into the place wit was because it had enough room for him and his kids). So now one of his kids had to live in the living room. I imagine that that makes the kids feel like an outsider too. If you have your own private space and another member of the household does not then yes it is more polite that you spend private time in your room so that they can have some space too. The issue of rooms alone must be adding huge tensions and stresses to your household. There are a few solutions such as ear plugs, a kid moving out (any plans for the 19 year old to move out?) or a bigger place. It sounds unrealistic to continue living like this much longer.

The swearing is a cultural difference and luckily your partner is willing to work on this with his kids and himself. Equally you can work on trying to be a little more understanding when they slip up.

The other issue that I see is that you have a poor communication style with your partner. When you have issues within the house you need to talk privately to your partner about them and then work together to come to an answer/compromise and present that as a united front to the kids. Attacking his kids directly will not work. Dictating to them directly will not work. You can have power but you need to get your partner on your side and to do that he needs to not be put in the position where he feels he has to defend his kids.

Yes. Thanks. So the situation

Yes. Thanks.
So the situation is that all three lived with their mother at first and only visited on weekends.
Also he had just moved into the house when I showed up. In fact, he and I spent a night there before they even did.
In addition, when I first moved in, there was a roomate he had got in who had the two back bedrooms. He treated the roomate who wasn't there much, like a king. The house had to be perfect when he was there and of course his kids did not have rooms at all. In fact two of them were sleeping in the lounge.
So when the roomate left by which time I had moved in full time,I started paying rent and bills and now two of them had rooms on the weekend and one still had to be in the lounge.
Then SD17 moved in full time and had her own room.
So we were sitting cramped up in the kitchen one day working at the dining room table on our laptops and we both talked about how stupid it was that we had a four bedroom house and five nights a week two rooms sat empty thait we were paying for. So TOGETHER we decided to claim some of that space back. I got one room as an office and meditation space and he put a desk in the other room and used that during the week. On the weekend his BD19 would stay in there with her BF. I did not give up my room on the weekends because I was paying to rent it, and I felt I should have the same rights at least that the former roomate had.
As for our communication: I do go to him and talk to him in private. We come to agreement on some things but often he does not follow through. And I don't bark orders at his kids.
The first three months before any of them moved in and they were there only on weekends, they did NOTHING. They showed up, made a huge mess, ate meals and left the table to just hang out in the lounge or go out. During the week we generally had one sink load of dishes to do a day. Suddenly on the weekend it was 4. They didn't lift a finger. I kept thinking oh well it's just cos there is no routine established yet cos it's a new house and so forth. But it went on and on.Finally I told him I wasn't going to be turned into a dish slave on the weekends so that his kids could just not do anything at all and that at 12,14, and 16 they should freaking be helping out a bit. He said that was oppressive. Why coulnd't I let him get on with it and I should just wash my own dishes if I felt that way. So I did. And then was told off for being petty.
As for the swearing, I don't really have any expectation that they never swear. Most people do sometimes. It was the level of swearing that was awful. At least 6 of the vilest words in every sentence: C, D*ck, F*ck, Sh*t, and more. And that was just one of them.When all four were in the room at the same time...you can imagine. They weren't all as bad as SD17. I just aksed that mealtimes be swear free zones and that they keep it to a minimum. The odd one thrown in for effect here and there is fine with me. I just don't want to feel tense about saying "Hey girls, cut out the swearing."
I just don't agree that kids should have no responsibilities. i don't care if they are only there on weekends. They can help.
I would love a united front, but he sees that as betraying his children.

Also when the living room

Also when the living room thing happened, both the other girls had rooms as their older sister was no longer coming on weekends. and he had a room and I had a room.But apparently I'm the only one who is supposed to not use the lounge for some reason.
and also notice that SD17 did not even say she wanted to use the space or that she had friends over. AND when I first sat in there, there was no one else home. AND she has her own room and she sits in the lounge all the time having private time. NOONE would ever tell her,hey you need to get out of the lounge, cos you have a room.

What do you enjoy about

What do you enjoy about living with your partner?

What do you enjoy about being in a relationship with him?

Just asking, it seems you have a long list of complaints, which is fair we all have some. But you are yet to mention anything which might be positive about your situation. And it seems you do not feel there is any chance of changes happeneing and you seem to feel that you have already tried all the options (except for moving out).

If there are no positives then there really is little point in staying.

There is a lot of good stuff

There is a lot of good stuff but this pervades everything obviously. ANd I mean ths forum is for discussing the problems right?

You can talk about whatever

You can talk about whatever you like. Most people mention at least a couple of good things about thier partner when they post about them, so I was just trying to prompt you to consider what the upsides are to the relationship as you had not mentionined any at all. If the positives still outweigh the negatives for you then I hope that moving out will take the pressure off your relationship and give you both the space to continue to enjoy the positive parts of your relationship.

Yeah funny. He says I am too

Yeah funny. He says I am too focused on the negatives too. I think because this issue of power has affected my daily life for so long now, I just can't seem to focus on anything else until it is resolved. The future of this relationship hinges on how this resolves because I am absolutely not willing to be relegated to houseguest/4th daughter status for the rest of my life whenever his kids walk in the door.

Update: I've been back in NZ

Update:
I've been back in NZ for 7 weeks now. This whole time I have been living up the street from him. I told him I would never live with SD17 again. Even the two nights I spent at his waiting for my space to be ready, she made huge trouble.
Sooooo she is out! It turns out she was just as horrible while I was gone and he got to see that it was mostly her that was the problem.
It has been really amazing to get this time of living apart even though he stays here a lot! We are in a great place and about to go away for four days alone in a beachhouse! When we return she has to go stay at her boyfriend's and not even come to the house until my next home is ready December 17th...then early next year we are moving away maybe with his youngest and she will be far away!
He has also changed a lot and is no longer dissing me. SD15 stayed her with us quite a bit and it was great!
Thanks everyone!
Will update again once we have our new home together next year! Whatever happens I know I do't have to put up with anything!
Hugs,
Z

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