Dreading the weekends....Feel free to commiserate.
I have reached the point in my step situation that I absolutely dread SD's visitation (which due to BM withholding her from FDH for his weekday visits, is only EOWE right now). It's sad, because I actually really care about my SD. We used to have a great relationship and I could honestly say I loved her. When things are going well, I enjoy having her over, but ever since the PAS started the good times are getting less and less often...
For example, SD6 throws these tantrums not to visit on the weekends. She used to get over these relatively fast. Before we were off BM's street she was over it. Lately, she's more likely to keep it up and ends up going to bed the second we walk in the door. She's developed a problem with lying. Before she would just basically lie by omission and leave out details. Like when she told the CPS FDH pushed her, she left out all the details showing that they were playing and he bumped into her on accident. When asked if it was on purpose she said "I don't know". Not blatant lies..but not the truth. Just the other weekend though, BM's wife yelled at FDH and accused us of feeding SD nothing but hamburgers. We found out that SD lied told them that's all we feed her...and the thing is she knew she was lying. We asked her why she said that since she knows it's not true, and she basically blew it off with "just because". She also regularly tells BM that we don't give her medicine when she's sick or help her when she's hurt. Which now has FDH running to the store late at night for bandaids for a nonexistent "red spot" or for listerine because it's "the only thing" that helps the sore in her mouth she gets from chewing on her cheek. He does it because he's scared she'll run home and tell her mom that he doesn't care if she's hurt. I guess I just find it kinda silly since these aren't things that can't wait until the morning...
On top of that, we deal with her being mean and hateful for no reason more often. She has developed a picky eating habit because BM and her wife tell her we feed her food that is bad for her. We're apparently encouraging a horrible diet because we don't give up red meat...let's ignore the fact that BM is sending over ramen noodles to replace my "unhealthy meals" (no hate towards ramen lol. But let's not pretend it's any more healthy for her than the spaghetti I made that she turns her nose up at because it has meat in it). This has her accusing me of feeding her raw meat, spitting out food on her plate, and flat out refusing meals. And we're cooking meals she used to love...When you add this all together, it just makes for a miserable weekend. I feel like I live my life bending over backwards for a kid that is being brainwashed to hate me and her father. I don't want to live in fear of whatever lie she's going to tell her mother next... I know that it isn't her fault. But it's hard not to feel ill towards her because of her actions. We can't be perfect and when she is already made to think everything we do is bad and against her, it seems like every little "slip up" is fuel to the fire ... How do you deal with that? I DO know that it isn't her fault, but it doesn't make her actions any less frustrating.
To add to my misery, this weekend has the added benefit of spending all day tomorrow with BM and her wife for SD's school event. That's followed by dinner at my parents for my birthday, which would be a more exciting event for me if I wasn't filled with anxiety over whether or not SD is going to act up or spit up the food my dad is cooking for 10 people. Because that wouldn't be mortifying at all ...
- DrowningAnchor11's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
ss9 used to pull stunts like
ss9 used to pull stunts like this-until we took pix/video of each of his meals showing bm that we weren't feeding him junk (which was the problem-he only wanted nuggets/fries/pizza/fast food and we would make him eat healthy)
finally bm wised up to SS's tricks
cant help about the other stuff-but if your sd is hurting herself "chewing the inside of her mouth-causing sores" then perhaps the dr can have a talk with sd and bm about that
Just feed SD Ramen at every
Just feed SD Ramen at every meal, while you eat what you like.
bet SD gets over it in no time at all.
Yep, I did this. SS Poops
Yep, I did this. SS Poops Alot had hotdogs (his favorite) for 4 days, and that was it, no more fussyness.
Let DH cook for his kid while
Let DH cook for his kid while you video what is cooked then you can tell SD that you are recording what she is being fed in case she accidentally gets it wrong again when reporting to her mother.
Okay. Gee this is a mess.
Okay. Gee this is a mess. Okay.
First nanny cams in all communal areas. ALL OF THEM. If she is going to lie about stuff, little and big, then you need proof to show she is a liar. We don't need you getting thrown in jail cause of this little liar. Make sure all medicine and all plasters etc are put on in an area with a nanny cam- before they go on confirm with her she wants it. Saying something like 'so you have a sore inside your cheek- would you like some listerine to take care of it ? ' then give it to her once she says yes. Make sure there is evidence of as much as you can- you may need at later date
Now second, you are very unhappy bending over backwards for her- do you want to disengage and leave her to her dad? At the end of the day you don't need to be miserable for the sake of this girl- she is not your child. Just feed her the noodles, go out on days she is there and be done with it.
If you don't want to disengage from her yet then I suggest maybe getting her to help you cook dinner. She can wash veggies or she can be shown to roll meatballs, she can measure out two cups of pasta, rice... What ever you come up with. Maybe if you have both carrots and broccoli you could say 'your a big girl, help me choose what to have for dinner' and have her pick which one. Children will be more likely to eating they have helped I think. This time in kitchen, either two or all three of you could be good bonding time.
If she doesn't eat the food, that's fine. Save it as left overs and nothing else to eat for the night. If she asks for something, reheat the saved meal.
I really like the idea of
I really like the idea of taking pics of food...I did try to get FDH on board with feeding her ramen or a pbj if she didn't what we cooked for dinner, but he doesn't like the idea that she can go home and say we didn't feed her dinner. Right now we are trying to just plan things we know she likes and that we haven't had problems with. Like FDH planned chicken parm tonight and she still eats chicken no problem so we'll see. She does help cook a little so maybe we can see if doing more might help with that...
I've been thinking about nanny cams for a couple weeks now but haven't brought it up to FDH. I'm not sure he will like the idea but seeing has child services has already been here once, I don't know that I want to take unnecessary risks. I'm not sure I'm quite ready for full disengagement. I "disengaged" from BM about 6mo ago because of the issues she was causing. I make FDH handle that all on his own. I also stepped down from a lot of my parenting involvement with SD but I wouldn't call it disengaged. FDH are trying to take this on together as a team and he wants me involved and I don't have a problem so long as he understands that I won't be being the parent so that he doesn't have to. It works for us right now and when it comes to SD she has more respect for me than him right now because of her mom. (Her mom and I used to get along and are past our problems. The battle isn't with or against me so much anymore). I still have hope that we can reach SD before she becomes one of those kids who refuses to see one of her parent because of PAS. That's probably a little naive but she's not too far gone yet. It's just a lot of work to get her "back" if that makes sense. She's just not the same on that first night especially. Besides, more than I care about my feelings in this situation, it kills me to watch FDH suffer over it. I'm still trying to help him fix this.
I think I hit most of the main comments...
If it were me I would be
If it were me I would be really worried that she would get me throw in jail because of her lies and the whims of her golden uterus biomom.
I read your stuff and I just had a sinking feeling. I wouldn't be alone with her if I were you and I would have photo or video evidence of everything. I just don't like it- that she can be that manipulative to tell lies and hide the truth at that age?? Nope I don't like it. I would want evidence.
Partner may not like it but will be thankful for it if it is the thing that keeps him out of jail or you out of trouble as well.
You're right. I'm going to
You're right. I'm going to try talking about it with him. It's hard to think a kid can do that but this is not a normal situation. I do not watch her for FDH anymore and won't do pickups for that reason. I just haven't taken it as far as not being alone in a room with her yet. Thanks for the advice
Not to excuse her behavior by
Not to excuse her behavior by any means but lying is a phase. My SS4 started telling little while lies all of a sudden and I don't think kids get over this stage until they realize they aren't fooling anyone. BM is fueling the girls fire and probably encouraging by asking "did they feed you this time?" Or something to that effect and the girl is responding in the way she thinks BM wants to hear. I agree with the cameras. Your DH might not like the idea but I bet he doesn't like the idea of prison for child endangerment either. Explain to him that cameras are just another way to protect everyone's best interest and keep everyone honest.
In my own situation BM would act foolish during pickup at our home yelling at DH for some rumor she heard or another. She would yell at him in front of SS but then "confront" him in an email saying she didn't appreciate him yelling profanities or disrespecting her in front of SS. She's lied before under oath so I told DH to install cameras in the driveway. Ever since BM found out about her being videoed she stopped it all. She doesn't even speak now; she knocks on the door, SS runs out to her car, gets in through her door and climbs to his seat, she gets in and they leave. It's amazing how being recorded can make people behave. Same goes for SS, I bought a phone holder for my car that's on my windshield. When we go somewhere I put my phone there with it videoing the backseat while we are driving. I already talked to DH about nanny cams because I caught SS telling someone my dog bit him and drew blood. Nope! I'm not setting my dog up for euthanization. Not to mention from the stories I've heard here about skids stealing food, letting BM in their homes, whatever. Better safe than sorry; better have proof for everything than wish for it later on defending yourself. Taking pictures of dinner is a really good idea, if your DH hates his as much as mine, he'd post it to Facebook for all to see. No comment just: Dinner. Facebook will keep the time, date and picture for you all in one spot for later.
I agree that all kids go
I agree that all kids go through a phase of lying, I just worry because BM is pretty much a pathological liar. Every thing that comes out of her mouth is a lie and she actually is able to convince herself she's telling the truth. I do think SD lies to tell her mom what she wants to hear but the problem is that her mom wants to hear that we're abusive, mean and she hates us. That way she can take SD and move across the country...
I understand, my ss's mom
I understand, my ss's mom loves to hear SS talk negatively about us and our household. Luckily DH is primary so his exposure is limited. But really the only thing that you can do to combat the lies is use the truth. Videos and pictures will back up anything you say. BM lies and believes them, she makes other people believe them too. You can't change her, she won't change because she needs that child to reject yall to make herself feel superior. You need stop worrying about what she is doing because you can't stop her, a judge can't even make her stop lying (he can ask her or order her to but he can't physically enforce her to) as frustrating as it is all you can do is have proof of the truth. BM tells my DH all the time she can't wait until SS is old enough to see how horrible DH is to BM, the problem with that is he isn't horrible to her. He doesn't even speak to her and she can't stand that so she will tell SS whatever to make him think DH is the problem but we have pictures, emails, screenshots of SS being happy with is (she swears he isn't), gives BM extra time (swears DH keeps him away), takes him to the doctor/dentist/school and pays for everything (swears DH doesn't do any of that). The day SS is old enough to understand the truth, we will have it ready for him and if we need to show it to a judge in the future then it's worth the effort two-fold. You can't rely on just being able to convince him of the truth and lies because Parental Alienation runs so much deeper than that, it's inserting and changing memories to suit her storyline. Anytime DH does something special with SS (like go to opening night of Star Wars because he's obsessed) BM will go do it to override his memory with DH. She hates Star Wars but she brought him the next night and he came back home saying "no, mom took me to see that" DH pulls out picture of them in theatre together "yeah but we went too remember?"
I suggest you read the book Divorce Poison, it will help you and your DH get through some of these patches. I read if and it was very helpful to me and I know some other ladies here have also read it as here is whew I found out about it. Your SD is still young, you can make a difference if y'all educate yourself and protect yourselves. A good offense will always be a good defense.
Thank you. I'll look into the
Thank you. I'll look into the book. I've heard about it but I haven't read It yet.