BM expecting 2nd baby and still not willing to work to 50/50 of SS
New here and hoping this helps me cope with some frustration that I can't vent with my DH any more because I'm driving him crazy.
I've suspected for a couple of weeks that BM is pregnant and my SS just confirmed it last night. While I am excited that my SS will have a sibling (I'm from a big family and cherish my siblings) I also super bummed because we've been trying to start a family for over a year now. The day my suspicions were confirmed marked 1 year since we had a miscarriage (we were 1 day shy of 13 wks). I know I shouldn't feel this way but... I feel like its really unfair that she has been blessed with a baby and we're still struggling to conceive again post Miscairrage.
BM is 40 yo, lives at home with her parents, is voluntarily unemployed, hasn't worked since before SS was born. and has an Opioid addiction. (When she gave birth to SS he spent 2wks in ICU suffering withdrawals from her Medication for "bad Knees" - every time I've interacted with her I got the impression she was high on pills) She and her BF have been together for like 2 yrs so I could see it being a planned pregnancy but there is a part of me that thinks she may have intentionally gotten pregnant on "accident" as she did with my DH. - I know this because years ago I found her diary in some of DH stuff and I read a bit.*shok*
I'm 13 years younger than BM, fully employed with a couple of businesses, we own our home, and have been trying for a baby but I ended up with Post-partum Hypothyroidism. Now it's just a waiting game as my body heals and I'm ready for another go.
BM is due around the same time as I would have been due last summer.. Maybe I'm just paying too close attention to the coincidences and that's what's making it so hard to deal right now. But I can't stop thinking about how unfair the universe is being right now and how this is going to affect us getting more custody.
We were in court winter of 2018 because my DH motioned for more custody after trying to avoid court for over 3 years but after no cooperation from BM on getting any more time and constantly having BM take SS on DH agreed-upon time, he finally decided to go to court.
DH and BM had not updated the parenting agreement since before SS turned 3 so DH legally had no overnights, just their verbal agreement to a couple of overnights a month, so when DH took her to court the judge was persuaded by BM and her father's testimony that DH was an absent father and only gave us a few more overnights a mo. DH says he intends on giving her another chance to work with him on transitioning to 50/50 but in April it will be a year since he asked for 1 more night every other week. She spent the 1st 6 months just ignoring his messages when he would ask for more time, and the rest just saying its "not in SS's best interests" with no further explanation.
I'm starting to get concerned that the court is going to see that she has a new baby and not be inclined to grant 50/50. I really want SS around more. The house feels empty without him and I'm seriously concerned about his well being in his mother's care.
DH says all this will work out in our favor but it will just take time. I'm trying to focus on me and our family and the positives but Im going crazy with all these things going on in my head! *wacko*
- EireannStepmommy's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
How old is SS? And what is
How old is SS? And what is your current custody arrangement? Does your DH want 50/50 custody, or is this something you are pushing for? If he wants 50/50, why did he wait 3 years to do something about it? Are you in a state that defaults to 50/50 custody, or one where EOWE and maybe one night during the week is the norm? If the former, I don't think the fact that BM has a new baby will make any difference.
In all honesty, if you have SS in your household more, it might make things worse. Stepkids are nowhere near the same as biological kids, and having the skid around might make that very apparent and could make not having your own bio more painful. Not that that would be a reason to not pursue custody, but you might want to think long and hard about pushing your husband to go back to court as opposed to continuing on his course of trying to work with BM.
Please accept my condolences on the loss of your baby. I know it is difficult, and I hope you'll have a healthy baby in your arms soon.
I know it probably doesn't
I know it probably doesn't feel like it, but time is on your side. I offer sincere condolences on the loss of your baby; it can be so difficult to navigate through that kind of pain. Take the time you need to heal both physically and emotionally. Do whatever you have to do to stop comparing your pregnancy with hers. Even if your suspicions are correct, there is nothing good that can come from them, only bad thoughts and feelings.
It sounds as though your H tried to handle things without needing a court order, and that didn't work, so yes, it's going to take time for that, too. As long as he is taking the appropriate legal steps in a timely fashion, that will also work out also... in time.
You sound ready, willing, and almost physically able to conceive your own child/ren. Try to enjoy the remaining time you have alone with your H and heal. I have little doubt your home will be full of children and stepchildren soon enough.