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Well, DH brought up SD23's college graduation at last

Elizabeth's picture

Submitted by Elizabeth on Fri, 04/15/2016 - 7:58am

This morning, as I'm trying to get ready for work, of all times.

Told me he wanted to take our two BDs. I asked him if he'd noticed what date that is (Mother's Day weekend). He said he hadn't until yesterday.

I then asked if he'd received an invitation. No.

I then asked about tickets. "I'm sure SD has them."

But is he going to get any? "I'm sure I am."

I don't think he understand what he's proposing, to drive BDs 12 and 9 5 hours each way so they can sit through an hours-long ceremony for ONE person they probably wouldn't even recognize if they saw her on the street.

I told him college graduations are for adults, not kids. We'll see. I guess next step is for him to actually receive an invitation.

Comments

Elizabeth's picture

Submitted by Elizabeth on Fri, 04/15/2016 - 8:15am

See on my previous post most people said I was making too big a deal about Mother's Day and could just celebrate it with MY kids some other time.

Monchichi's picture

Submitted by Monchichi on Fri, 04/15/2016 - 8:10am

:jawdrop: My husband would be evicted from our home if he even thought to mention such an idiotic idea to me.

Elizabeth's picture

Submitted by Elizabeth on Fri, 04/15/2016 - 8:15am

Oh, but he WILL. And if they show up and BDs can't get in, he won't think a thing about inconveniencing them. He's a narcissist. It's all about him.

ESMOD's picture

Submitted by ESMOD on Fri, 04/15/2016 - 8:54am

What HRNYC said ^^^

I would absolutely not allow the BD's to go unless DH calls his daughter and confirms that she actually has the tickets for all three of them. None of this "I'm sure she does etc..." The stakes are too high and the fallout is too big. What happens when he drives the two girls up there with him and she only has ONE ticket. What happens to the girls?

I am one of the people that is actually OK with the thought of the Bio daughters going and then doing the mother's day celebration on another day. It was really common in our family to celebrate all sorts of holidays and birthdays on days other than the actual event. I don't feel in the slightest that it should be a problem and doesn't have to be. (I personally dread the day because my mother died ON mother's day.. and I don't have any bio kids..so imagine if everywhere you go people "assume" you have kids or a mother)

From the perspective of the DH, he wants his two younger daughters to see their older sister graduate. Sure, they will probably be bored but kids get dragged a lot of places that will be boring at times. That happens all the time and DH probably wants to show his DD that the family is proud of her.

I might ask your DD's how they feel about going. (without saying it in a way that makes them feel like it's a choose you vs the trip way. haha)

If they are not opposed to going, or in fact want to go, you need to make sure they will have tickets. If DH won't call his daughter, YOU must do that because it is likely that your kids will be the odd men out if there is a shortage.

I believe you mentioned your mom was alive in the prior thread. You should plan a nice day with her and do another nice day with your DD's another weekend. That way you get TWO mother's days:) Of course, that is assuming that DH can assure you that the DD's will be able to attend the graduation ceremony.

There will be only one graduation for his daughter.. you will have Mother's Days for years to come.

Elizabeth's picture

Submitted by Elizabeth on Fri, 04/15/2016 - 9:06am

That's my challenge. I can't think of a single way to ask BDs if they really want to go without putting them on the spot or making them feel they have to choose. I also think it's a crappy example to them to continue to let SD23 isolate me from MY family.

ESMOD's picture

Submitted by ESMOD on Fri, 04/15/2016 - 9:35am

I might just say, "Daddy said that there might be a chance that you could go to see SD23's graduation. I'm not sure there are going to be enough tickets for everyone to go but if there are,is that something you would be interested in doing?"

That's it. You aren't saying that it is even possible, so you are building in a little wiggle room to tell them they can't go because they won't be able to attend the ceremony. Your preference or any of your worries aren't voiced.

Now, your girls might say, "Are you gonna go mama?" You can say that you don't think so because you were planning to spend Sunday with your mother.

They might say.. "ooooh yes, we want to go" And to that you just say, ok, I will talk to Daddy and we will see what works out.

TBH, if you could stand it, you could just tell DH, that the only way the girls go is if you all go as a family and SD23 has tickets for everyone. You still celebrate Mother's day in some grand fashion on another weekend. That way you aren't marginalized. I would tell DH, it's not a family event if the WHOLE family isn't invited and welcome.

ESMOD's picture

Submitted by ESMOD on Fri, 04/15/2016 - 9:29am

Thanks, she had been suffering from dementia for a while and I knew her quality of life wasn't great. Unfortunately, it was also the day before my brother's birthday. He was her favorite and the timing is harder on him. But then again, no one says "happy mother's day" to him..lmao!

Monchichi's picture

Submitted by Monchichi on Fri, 04/15/2016 - 8:28am

Not on mothers day, I'm a big ole softie and we have traditions. Mothers Day they are mine, not negotiable.

WalkOnBy's picture

Submitted by WalkOnBy on Tue, 04/19/2016 - 1:41pm

I am with you, tommar!

I would LOVE to have a day all to myself Smile

When my kids were little, I felt like you!! Give me some peace!!

Elizabeth's picture

Submitted by Elizabeth on Fri, 04/15/2016 - 8:27am

He wants to drive them up Friday (5 hours), attend the graduation (several hours) Saturday, then drive back Sunday (5 hours), so I may get a couple of hours with them late that day during which they will be tired and grumpy from the long car ride and hours of boring graduation.

Monchichi's picture

Submitted by Monchichi on Fri, 04/15/2016 - 8:29am

No tommar, it's not a step child thing. Fathers Day is also a biggie in our house. Chucky comes to us no matter what. He spends that day with his dad, doing daddy - child centric things.

z3girl's picture

Submitted by z3girl on Fri, 04/15/2016 - 8:30am

My DH insisted I go with him to SDthen22's college graduation. It was on Mother's Day, and we had a 2 year old and a 1 year old.

WORST...MOTHER'S DAY...EVER!!

In hindsight, the only compromise I should have made would be to go with him to the area, but he can go to the ceremony itself while I spend the time with my children alone. There was no reason for me to suffer through a ceremony with young children, where I spent a good portion of it in the bathroom with the baby who was fussing. Even worse, we ended up fighting at the Sorority picnic afterward where it was freezing cold outside and still no way to keep the little ones contained.

Don't let your DH take YOUR daughters from you on MOTHER'S DAY. No no no. (Unless you want to spend it without them. But it should be YOUR choice)

Elizabeth's picture

Submitted by Elizabeth on Fri, 04/15/2016 - 9:05am

His backup would be to just show up and try to bully his way into the ceremony. Yep. I don't want my BDs to have to deal with that, especially as he will be in a bad mood because of SD23 but take it out on our two BDs. Been there, done that.

ESMOD's picture

Submitted by ESMOD on Fri, 04/15/2016 - 9:26am

It's been a while, but the University I got my bachelor's degree did have tickets. I think we could request up to 4 and then there was some kind of lottery that we could do if we wanted more than 4.

When I got my Master's degree, they did schools in smaller bits and pieces so I don't remember there being a ticket limit. I didn't walk in that graduation though. The diploma was enough:)

hereiam's picture

Submitted by hereiam on Fri, 04/15/2016 - 9:17am

Why would he be making plans if he doesn't even know the details?

If tickets are needed, how does he know your SD will will have tickets for your BD's? Do they even want to go?

Good Lord, why doesn't he just talk to his daughter and ASK her what the deal is?

Especially since he plans on taking the BD's, you need to tell him to get the details from his daughter.

This is just ridiculous.

ESMOD's picture

Submitted by ESMOD on Fri, 04/15/2016 - 9:58am

I think she said in a prior post it isn't a nice town. I also know that college towns during graduation weekend can be a nightmare. You can't get a good meal and it's just too dang crowded.

Elizabeth's picture

Submitted by Elizabeth on Fri, 04/15/2016 - 9:59am

Crappy town, nothing special for us to do there. Not making excuses, this is just a fact. And I don't WANT to drive 10 hours for bratty SD23.

Elizabeth's picture

Submitted by Elizabeth on Fri, 04/15/2016 - 11:27am

Hear hear! He always acts like I'm crazy when I bring up practicalities, but SD deliberately did NOT invite me or our two BDs to her high school graduation. ONLY DH. He thought it was obvious myself and our two BDs would be invited, so he called SD up and she quickly set him straight. He went anyway and brought a (male) friend :jawdrop:

ESMOD's picture

Submitted by ESMOD on Fri, 04/15/2016 - 11:41am

Considering what happened at the HS graduation, I don't see why he can't make the phone call and ask her WHO she wants at her graduation.

I mean, it's quite possible that even though she may/may not care for her sisters, she may not want to share the day with them given their age and the potential for whiny boredomness.

I will be honest, if DH refused to make the call, I might just take the bull by the horns.

"so SD23, I understand your dad is making plans to attend your graduation. We aren't sure who you wanted to be there. Who is invited and do you have enough tickets for everyone? I am not asking to be invited, I am fine either way, but we need to know so that we can plan. Were you counting on your sisters and I attending?"

ESMOD's picture

Submitted by ESMOD on Fri, 04/15/2016 - 12:05pm

The thing is that the girls are also DH's kids too and he is saying he wants them to go. That is the conflict of two bio parents having a right to say what their kids do but they have opposite wishes.

That is why it could easily be a tie breaker if they find out that SD23 doesn't want them there anyway or has no plans for tickets for them.

ESMOD's picture

Submitted by ESMOD on Fri, 04/15/2016 - 12:21pm

They can still do that even if it's not on "the day" BUT, unless DH will pick up the phone and confirm plans I would tell him he can go on the goose chase alone.

ESMOD's picture

Submitted by ESMOD on Fri, 04/15/2016 - 12:35pm

If she is comfortable with taking that hard position then she should do that. Personally, I prefer to try and work out a solution that everyone can get some of what they want. I would hate to think I couldn't compromise with my DH. Sometimes being the grownup means having to do things that you don't want to do. Like going to the dentist or spending your weekends driving Skids back and forth to visitations.

hereiam's picture

Submitted by hereiam on Fri, 04/15/2016 - 8:01pm

This^^^^

Whatever her DH's motive is for wanting to take the girls, I doubt it has much to do with "meaning something". Not to mention, he has NO clue what the hell he's doing.

I also agree with Fruitsalad. If Elizabeth wants this Mother's Day to be a special day with her mother and her daughters, she needs to stand up to her DH and do it. Can they do it on another day? Sure, but she wants to do it on Mother's Day and there is absolutely no good reason for her DH to take the girls to this graduation and ruin it for Elizabeth and her mother.

onwednesdayswewearpink's picture

Submitted by onwednesdayswew... on Tue, 04/19/2016 - 2:59am

How about the fact that he's ok with going to something that his wife isn't invited to??? Ugh. That makes my blood boil.

Elizabeth's picture

Submitted by Elizabeth on Tue, 04/19/2016 - 12:59pm

So are a lot of the women on here unfortunately, so I kind of gave up on arguing that point