What would you do? Be honest please :)
SD is 23 and is supposedly graduating from college after five years this May.
Background: DH and I met when SD was 5, married when she was 8. He was significantly in debt when we married. He lost his job just 3 months after we married and now makes about half what he did. I advanced in my career and now make double (or more) what he does. So, well over HALF of the money in SD's college account came from my income.
Now, when SD graduated from high school at age 18 she deliberately did NOT invite me or her two half-sisters. Only DH. And it wasn't a "not enough tickets" thing. It was open to everybody. She told DH it was intentional but, "He could bring her two half-sisters if he wanted to." I refused to send them with that sort of invitation and told him he should not go either ... but he did.
FIVE years later, with DH and I paying for about HALF of her college education, SD has not spoken to me one time in the past five years. No acknowledgment that I exist and certainly no thank you for my contributions.
I think DH should stand up for me and refuse to go to her graduation if she can not at least treat me with respect. He kept saying she would come around and was on the verge of apologizing to me. It has not happened, and I know it won't. (SD was the ONLY grandkid who didn't come to her grandmother's funeral, despite the fact she was a 5 hour drive away and some came 12 hours or more. So it's not just me she treats badly.)
What would you do if this was your kid, not your stepkid? Would you attend a college graduation of your child under these circumstances, essentially further undermining your spouse's role?
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If this was my kid, I
If this was my kid, I wouldn't attend, I wouldn't buy a gift, I wouldn't send a card. In other words, treat her just like she had treated me. Like a ghost.
If this was my skid? Same thing.
Oh, and your husband is a jerk if he goes.
No and be done with any money
No and be done with any money coming out of your household, that includes DH'S money, to her ever again.
Do you really expect your DH
Do you really expect your DH to not attend because of the way SD has treated you all of these years? The fact that you continued to pay for her even though she treated you this way, only showed SD and your DH that you can treat someone like crap and they will still pay your way for college.
If my bio treated me like this I would had stopped helping him with college right away. He wouldn't have even made it to graduation with my help.
You don't expect him to stop seeing her all together do you? So if the answer is no, then you should expect him to want to go to her graduation.
Of course it would be nice for him to FINALLY say to SD I refuse to celebrate your achievement because you have been so mean to my spouse. But ya know that is never going to happen.
DH saw nothing wrong with taking your money and putting it towards his daughter's college even though she treated you like crap. So he's not all of the sudden going to defend your honor and not go to this milestone.
Just curious, has there been
Just curious, has there been any conversations around graduation? Either from her or your DH? Plans made, etc?
I would have never let it go
I would have never let it go this far in the first place. To think your DH is going to do anything different and stand up for you now, is wishful thinking.
Agree. Her DH doesn't care
Agree. Her DH doesn't care how OP is treated and neither does SD. I would never let SD know how much I did for her all while she was disrespectful to me. I would just take the high road. Can't change the past. Can't get the money back so just move forward.
The minute I felt used by the
The minute I felt used by the skids I stopped doing for them. Of course then they started hating me. Shoot BM hated me because I was no longer doing for her kids. That's when I became the evil SM.
Well your skids sound
Well your skids sound reasonable. LOL
A little advice Elizabeth-
A little advice Elizabeth- take it or leave it.
All of my DH's kids are asses. (SS way less then the 3 girls) It is what it is. I don't have to prove myself to them at all. I live my life with DH and disregard them. They have no interest in me and I have no interest in them.
Not letting the skids affect my day to day life is the best gift I could have given myself.
MSD tried to fight me in my own house. I dont expect DH to just stop having a relationship with his daughter because of this. He knows how I feel about her. He doesn't bring her up. He knows she isn't allowed over or allowed in any part of my life. As long as he doesn't push me to have a relationship with her then we are good.
As much as I don't like her I don't expect my DH to disown his child and just stop being her dad.
Yes it would be nice to have your DH's support, but you don't. He doesn't want to stop having a relationship with his daughter.
And remember people will treat you how you allow them to treat you. SD has been so rude to you and you still paid for her college. DH saw what was going on and still took your money. Sorry but sometimes you only have yourself to blame.
I don't think he should go.
I don't think he should go. My DH states he would find it very difficult to go but doesn't rule it out. (I'm in chemo all day for three days so we have a lot of time to talk) Did she ask you for the college money? When she was still talking to us, my SD asked my husband for college money. He doesn't make much so he told her he could give her a modest amount. I told him that I would help but she had to ask me. This she refused to do and claimed that I was trying to buy her love. That was that. Now I'm glad because I got sick and it would have been a strain on me. I am just curious how you came to help such an ungrateful skid in the first place.....it's so awful that she didn't invite you to her high school graduation.
I'd allow him to do whatever
I'd allow him to do whatever he wanted to do.
I'd then question myself why this is an issue now, versus any time the past 5 years.
It's always a problem every
It's always a problem every time he has gone to see his daughter. OP posts about it.
To be perfectly honest, I'd
To be perfectly honest, I'd be GLAD to be disinvited to ANYTHING that had to do with SD. Whether I contributed or not... I just am not about wasting time putting on false airs. Are you proud of her like a parent is proud of their child? Do you give a crap that she is graduating? I'd be happy to have an excuse NOT to go that didn't make me look like a douchebag... ya know? I'm assuming BM will be there... just yuck.
and I'm not trying to be a jerk here, but your DH has never respected you. He has done his own thing with SD and thumbed his nose at you and any concerns you have ever had, or voiced.... so why would you expect him to suddenly start "respecting" you now by boycotting SD graduation?
Nope, channel your inner Elsa and "let it go!"
Kind of reminded me of the
Kind of reminded me of the skids at our wedding. Ugh. Of course we had to invite them. But they were there only to see DH's out of town relatives. They weren't there to celebrate our marriage or because they were happy for us. It grinded my damn nerves. On my wedding day that they were there. Thankfully they didn't stay long.
My thought is... if you aren't happy for said person's accomplishment whatever it is- wedding, graduation, etc then don't worry about not going or not being invited.
You are asking your DH to
You are asking your DH to fight a battle you won't fight yourself.
I've been around a while and I know your story. Your DH lacks in the parenting department, and short-changes your kids together. I know that.
But you had control over where you put your money, and you chose to give it to that disrespectful brat. Now that she's got it, she's still disrespectful. Not DH's problem.
If you could get your money back, I'd tell you to grab and run. Otherwise, just drop it. It's not worth your energy. DH won't have your back, partly because he's weak, and partly because you haven't stood up for yourself first.
I would be upset because you
I would be upset because you paid for her education. In my case SD26 when she finally graduated college I was already disengaging. I had went to her HS grad and graduation when she got her AA. When she got her BA I did not go. Her BM was throwing her a graduation party and her 1/2 Bro from her BM was graduating HS. BM asked DH to provide food and she would provide the decorations. But did not tell him that SD half Bro was also graduating. So Dumb A$$ DH provides all the food, drinks and supplies for both of the graduates. Plus he went and cooked the food at BM house. I refused to go but if my BD and BS wanted to go they could. BD didn't go because BM called and told me BD could not bring her baby.
Why would you want to go,
Why would you want to go, this chick clearly doesn't like you, and doesn't want you around. Me? I'd take a hint and not attend. I wouldn't want to be around her either. You all chose to pay college expenses, that, unfortunately, doesn't come with any expectation that she has to be nice and respectful to you. Be careful with your future investments.
Elizabeth, I would just live
Elizabeth, I would just live and learn. Don't go, and be glad you don't have to sit through the ceremony!! She got her degree, so can never say you never did anything for her. Just don't do anything else for her!!
Hugs
Elizabeth, I would just live
Elizabeth, I would just live and learn. Don't go, and be glad you don't have to sit through the ceremony!! She got her degree, so can never say you never did anything for her. Just don't do anything else for her!!
Hugs