What would you do? Advice please :)
In the current CO, DH gets the kids 2 days every week. It was originally intended that these be his days off of work (not always Saturday/Sunday). Now that BM is moving over an hour away, having the skids any days other than Friday/Saturday evening will create a lot of driving on school days. Yes, it sucks for DH .. but more importantly, it's hard on the skids. At 5 and 7 years old, 1+ hour in the car in traffic each way to school is draining.
DH offered an alternate schedule, BM countered with offering him every Friday and Saturday evening. We were shocked, but with her new job, she won't necessarily be off every weekend. So this saves her babysitting fees or the constant reliance on her mom.
This all happened very informally in emails. Her offer, of course, was littered with insults and condescending innuendo. Without question, DH is having his attorney draw up the change order.
However, there are other things he wants addressed in the custody agreement as well. Other areas, like defining pick-up/drop-off times, defining the start/end of school breaks, etc. that have been problem areas for us in the past.
Our concern is that if he asks for TOO much change, BM will refuse the entire change order. Even though SHE offered the every Friday/Saturday night. DH is not adding anything drastic, just mostly clarification stuff to protect the BOTH of them.
The only BIG change is that if BM gets deployed or temporarily assigned for more than 90 days, the entire custody arrangement reverses. It currently states over 200 days.
So here's my question .. what would you do? Risk the additional changes and hope for the best, or just go bare bones and only do the Friday/Saturday clarification?
It seems like a modification
It seems like a modification is in order, especially since she won't compromise on anything. Her moving back and an hour aways creates problems that were not initially there when the court order was made.
We definitely agree with you!
We definitely agree with you! I'm just concerned she won't agree. Getting DH's attorney to really take action is like pulling teeth
The motions for the contempt charges (medical issues and spring break violation) will be lost if we go through this process and get her to agree. The reason being our state won't entertain the contempt charges if we've reached a new agreement since the violation. Best case if she refuses to agree to any changes, we'll take her to court on the violation charges and go for a modification in court.
It seems in some cases people
It seems in some cases people have to learn the hard way!
I'd go for as much
I'd go for as much clarification/change in this go 'round as possible. It doesn't seem like you are asking for things to change - but for them to be clearly defined: i.e. specific pick-up/drop-off times, defining the start/end of school breaks.
It seems the current order is open to too much interpretation, which leads to constant problems with BM. I would get the order as specific as possible.
You're having to go through this process anyway, would it cost more money to try and get everything hammered out now? Seems like it would save you time and money in the long run. Otherwise, DH might have to take BM back to court later on for other issues, might as well get as much done now as possible.
That's exactly what I think,
That's exactly what I think, and what DH is planning to do.
The only hiccup I see is that DH approached BM about the change. She has agreed informally to a clarification of the existing agreement (specifying DH's 2 days be Friday/Saturday).
If she sees that DH is asking for other changes (even though they're not really changes, just clarifications), she may just say screw it and refuse to agree to anything.
If that happens, he's got two contempt charges in his back pocket. Either way, he'll pursue the change .. it's just easier and cheaper for everyone if it can be done out of court. We shall see!
With this woman, you're
With this woman, you're darned if you do, darned if you don't.
I say go for it. DH has the contempt charges in his back pocket.
Maybe the threat of going to court and filing contempt charges against her will be enough to make her cooperate.
Good luck!
Thanks! DH is done with
Thanks!
DH is done with threats. If she doesn't agree, he's filing the charges. We're done playing her games and caving to what she wants. She doesn't know that he has ever planned to file charges .. so it's not usable leverage.
UPDATE: So now the lawyer is
UPDATE:
So now the lawyer is basically saying that he shouldn't be putting anything in this change order other than what they've already agreed to (strictly just the Friday/Saturday thing).
If we agree to that, not only does he lose the ability to file the contempt charges, but he loses the opportunity to get all the other clarification language included to hopefully prevent future violations. :?
Starting to think this lawyer is working for BM .. so disappointing
How is it that he "loses" his
How is it that he "loses" his ability to file contempt charges?
I was kinda wondering about the contempt charges, though anyway. I thought if a person waits too long to file contempt, the charges aren't taken that seriously by a judge.
Anyway, I don't understand what this attorney is trying to do. Sometimes it seems these attorneys are more interested in drawing things out (more money for them) instead of doing things the way that will be most efficient.
I feel the same way about the
I feel the same way about the contempt charges! I have no experience in this, but it seems to me if you wait too long, they lose their validity.
The first charge is on medical issues. She's required to consult with DH about all non-emergency medical care and they have to agree to any medical treatment plans. Both skids have asthma, so they have been on maintenance medications almost their whole lives. BM moved out of state, took SD7 (then SD6) to a new doctor, completely changed her medication plan (upped to 3 daily meds instead of 1), and told DH about it weeks later. This included 2 daily allegy meds despite having tested negative for every allergy test she's ever received. This happened in December. To this day she claims that giving DH doctor appointment info ahead of time is unreasonable.
The second charge is a violation of the Spring Break visitation that occured last month. She decided that Spring Break doesn't start until Monday despite a letter from our lawyer clearly citing the case law from our state that proves differently. Their agreement is silent on the definition of "spring break" but our state is very clear on it absent an explicit clause in the agreement.
The lawyer told us that if DH agrees to a new consent order changing the visitation, it shows that the parents have been able to work things out and are in agreement about all things custody related. It just doesn't sit right with me .. not one bit.
Yeah, doesn't sound right to
Yeah, doesn't sound right to me either. I would go get a couple of consultations from some other family law attorneys. Most give free one hour consultations, or charge a small fee.
I don't see what showing the parents can work things out accomplishes. The problem isn't showing that the parents can work together, the problem is that the current court order is not specific enough. WTF? The parents are NOT in agreement about all things custody related.
DH has met with 2 different
DH has met with 2 different attorneys over the past year .. all of whom basically say his current attorney is reputable and will do a good job.
I HONESTLY believe that no one around here really wants to get behind a Dad who REALLY wants to fight and pursue as much time with his kids as possible. If it's not the standard EOWE and routine child support adjustments, the lawyers around here don't seem to want to bother.
My brother has had the SAME issues with his attorneys and custody case, which has been going on for 7 years. His daughter has been in 4 different schools in 5 years because her mother can't keep one stable home .. yet his lawyers constantly advise him against fighting it out in court. He has LESS custody today than he did 7 years ago when they first split and he still lives in the same house he did when they were married.
It's completely disgusting.
Sounds like that's what is
Sounds like that's what is happening. My DH's CO is specific with times, dates, education down to the school district SD must attend until graduation without a signed, notarized agreement between the 2 parties. Sounds like DH's attorney doesn't care to make it clear cut. BM wants control and DH's attorney is giving it to her. We demanded specifics. How else do you plan activities and your life. Your BM sounds like a treat.