Really need advice, thoughts, opinions...Husband may have fathered another child
My husband told me he may have fathered another child 9 years ago, and the child was born within weeks of our daughter's birth...yeah, I did the math 
At first I was so angry with him - he was with other girls, but we were both young and always messing up, so I got over it.
Obviously, he will want a dna test because the man who signed the child's birth certificate either knowingly or unknowingly accepted the child as his own. This man has been in and out of jail every year because he cannot pay child support - he has 5 other children. The mother and child live several states away, so any visitation in the future would be difficult, and I'm afraid the child would be screwed up more if she thought she had a different dad. The mother hasn't ever contacted my husband. And I have a feeling that if my husband said anything to her, that she would want child support immediately because the legally signed father won't pay. This woman has 5 children in her home, also.
So, after discussing possibilities with my husband, we've considered having to pay and never seeing the child. Possibly destroying these people's family unit...if they even have a healthy family to begin with, which it appears they do not. And we've discussed not saying anything at all, as my husband claims that the woman probably doesn't remember his name anyway. But I know my husband, and he will not let this go.
I'm not even sure if there is any advice to give. Last night my husband wanted to be close with me, it felt like he was buttering me up, you know. He starts talking about the situation, like that was even the right time to talk about it! It was like he was asking my permission to move ahead with this...I said we can't afford another child - I have a home business that barely covers our needs as it is, but I want to make the business bigger down the road. I told my husband I'd have to sell the business and work at the gas station in town. He playfully agreed to the idea, but I know he is seriously considering that, too.
So now I'm angry again. The child is important, if it is even his child. But I'm afraid to even find out. It's like the ball's in my court now. Do I say, yeah, let's find out? I risk everything I've built for my family. We may risk everything for their family.
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I love Mazzy Star, lol.
I love Mazzy Star, lol. Anyway, I have no idea. We had a couple of drinks a while back and we were talking...which we do, but not often because he has a hard time sharing emotions. I was bugging him earlier that week about him seeming shut off, why wasn't he looking at me much, etc. Basically it had been bothering him because he saw a friend on facebook, which led him to click on another friend, then another, until he found the mother and saw the child. Facebook is evil.
Anyway, sometimes I get to inquiring about his past, the kind of girls he was with, I know I shouldn't do it, but I feel like when we talk about our pasts and how it led up to us getting together, it makes us closer. Well, not now, obviously, because I feel less than special.
I agree..Leave it alone...Its
I agree..Leave it alone...Its been years and this woman doesnt even know him....
I'm leaning toward that, too,
I'm leaning toward that, too, but I'm scared it will weigh on us daily.
Hell no. Why is this an issue
Hell no. Why is this an issue all of a sudden?! He should have let that be his personal burden to bear, and involve you.
Leave it alone, and then I would leave him. Cheating then a child in the mix. Naw, I deserve better than that and so do you. Good luck.
So let me get this straight.
So let me get this straight. Your DH has no contact with this woman at all. She lives hundreds of miles away. Your DH clicked on her FB profile, saw a pic of a child and thinks this child might be his 9 years later???
Not trying to be a brat, but is he insane? What a selfish, selfish man. First of all for cheating on you 9 years ago, second of all for thinking that he can just waltz in and disrupt this woman and child's life 9 years later, because he "thinks" he MIGHT be the father????
It would be totally different if this woman contacted him and said he might be the father, but the way you're explaining the scenario? NO, NO, NO. LET THEM BE! And tell your DH to stay off of FB!
We've been together for 11
We've been together for 11 years now. He is faithful. He's told me over and over that I was his dream girl. He was always waiting for me to be single. I wish, though, that while he was waiting, he would have controlled himself better. It does hurt me that he behaved this way. He was one of those white homeboy types then, now he is like Andy Griffith in Mayberry, lol, and I do truly love him for all he has been and all he is now. Basically, if this is his child, he would have fathered 3 in one year, different mommies. I'm raising his son now - bm is troubled severely. Anyway, he was 18 when this was going on, no excuse, i know, but he is a COMPLETELY different man now. We both had to grow up pretty fast. And I've been by his side through court when he fought for custody...not many dads do that. And I've been by his side through the other poor decisions he has made. And what am I doing now? Ugh. So, we actually have 5 kids living in our home, and this new child would make 6. Because he really is a good man, this is really bothering him. I feel bad for him, more so if I say I don't want any part of this. It would make me feel like a selfish person. But I am essentially a selfish person, I guess. I've worked hard for my business. I've struggled to raise his son as my own. I go without so he and the kids can have nice things. I own like 4 pairs of underwear, you know? I'm not kidding. I add water to my mascara to make it last another month. I struggle, but I've always been happy.
I don't want to throw the business away. I don't want to give up my hobbies to work a cruddy job so some lady we don't know can buy shoes. That's what normal women do, right? God knows I can't buy shoes. I wish I wasn't so conscience driven. I wish he wasn't either.
Let me redo my math...we've
Let me redo my math...we've been together 11 years...when I met him at age 18, he got bm pregnant (which I knew about), then 4 months later got me pregnant...now I find out that the possible child was born the same week my daughter was born. I know this sounds jerry springer. I didn't want the focus to be on that, exactly, but I wasn't right when I was teenager, either, so I was willing to let that go. We do have a beautiful family. We are good people. We are a success story. I don't want anyone to think we are garbage
Although I know it sounds bad. We did do the right thing, though, by getting together. We were each other's answer. We were the other's path.
I wasn't trying to knock your
I wasn't trying to knock your DH for being a young (stupid) stud... hell my DH acted like an idiot in his early 20's resulting in two psycho BMs and SD13.5 and SS12.5. Thankfully this was LONG before I came into the picture... anywho...
The part that bothers me is that your DH apparently thinks that just because he slept with this woman back in the day that he could have fathered a child with her, even though this woman has never contacted him, another man signed the BC, and it apparently wasn't a thought in his head until he saw some pic on Facebook? He needs to drop this. Can you imagine if some random guy that you slept with back in the day, contacted you to tell you that he thinks he could be your son's father??? Who does this? Hopefully NOT your DH.
Honey, don't let anyone make
Honey, don't let anyone make you feel bad. When DH and I are first dating we were not the most faithful people and he ended up getting BM pregnant AGAIN. He didn't know for sure if he was the child's father until she was 3 years old, when he decided he needed to get a paternity test done. We were getting serious (talking about marriage, etc.) and he needed to get his ducks in a row. I had no idea this kid existed until after he got the results of the test back. He is a good person who made a stupid mistake. It was hard, but I forgave him and we are moving on with our lives.
I think you should leave it
I think you should leave it alone. Maybe wait until the child is 18 and then do the test. IMO the other women made her choice by allowing the other man to put his name on the birth certificate. So the child has father. Even if it was a bad choice it was a choice. Now she'll have to deal with the consequences.
And you said the other father has landed in jail for not paying his child support. Was that for his other children, this one or both?. Could you imagine the ramifications if he finds out the child is not even his and he’s in jail for it. Can you image the resentment the child will have towards all parties. 9 years old is way to young for a child to have to deal with all that drama. Don’t be ridiculous. It would be way to disruptive for everyone at this point. Like I said, wait 9 more years and if baby daddy wants to do the lab test then fine. But wait until the child is older and can process it.
The photo of the child looks
The photo of the child looks like my husband. That's what got this started. Photos aren't dna, but the snapshots are somewhat telling. Telling enough to make us question the possibility. I know you weren't trying to bash him.
What if he really is the
What if he really is the child's father?
Not knowing would drive me nuts. I would want to know the truth.
So every man should contact
So every man should contact every woman they have slept with around or about the time that might have resulted in a child the woman now has and say "Hey, just wanted to let you know that I could be this kid's dad, because I saw a pic on FB and I think he kind of looks like me, even though no-one has ever contacted me and some other man signed the BC. Anyway, I can't stand not to know, so I am here to turn yours life and your child's life upside down, so selfish me can put my overactive mind to rest."
People tell me that I look like Meg Ryan, but I won't be calling her up to see if she is my long lost mother.
If he thinks he may be the
If he thinks he may be the dad, and the dates fit, there's nothing wrong with asking her.
Who knows, maybe the other guy took a DNA test and he really is the dad.
I am glad that you both were
I am glad that you both were able to grow together as people. However in MHO I think that your SO needs to forget about it. The woman doesnt remember him, has never had contact with him and someone else signed the birth certificate. Why even think about destroying your lives. There is a possibility that the woman may have been with multiple guys just like your husband was with woman (I understand that everyone makes mistakes). I also think that he should be band from facebook. Just focus on your family that is with you. If you are already struggling why even consider adding on CS and airfare to see a kid that most likely with resent your SO with every bone in her body. Just let sleeping dogs lay.
I'm stumped too. I don't know
I'm stumped too. I don't know what the right thing to do is. Ultimately, you and your DH have to make that decision.
Does this child look like him?
Whatever happens, I will be praying for you and that child.
The child has very similar
The child has very similar features...and I feel really bad for some guy who may be in jail for someone else's baby. Maybe he signed the birth certificate because at the time he loved the woman, and it's a noble thing to do, but he can't pay for the child, he himself lives hundreds of miles away, so he can't see the child either. Both of the child's parents and step parents have been in and out of jail, nothing recent except for the child support thing - burglary, drugs, battery and sexual relations with minors. And that's when our hearts kick in here. See? It's such a cruddy situation. And the worst part is that IT MAY NOT BE HIS!!! But it might be! My idea was to wait until the child was old enough to make any kind of contact, so no one is traumatized...then if it's not his child, no big deal, we all move on.