How to not resent your SD?
Honestly I don't know where to even begin. I met my BF about 3 years ago and we headed off very good, he was exactly who I had been looking for to start a family. Specially because I had seen him with his daughter and nephews at the time daughter was 6. We started dating and he was just amazing, I met his daughter about 2 months into our relationship. She was a very shy and reserved little girl, and I couldn't help myself to be very nice and just myself. After all I was a step child myself so I knew what could be in store for me. Anywho a few months past I find myself pregnant, we had previously decided to move in so everything was pretty much coming along very well. But things started to change when daughter found out I was having her baby sister. Also it didn't help the fact she has a very extremely toxic mother. Because she found out about me and me being pregnant and everything started going sort of bad. Step daughter started to come with such a mean behavior and started to be mean to me and being super overprotective of dad. We had build such a beautiful base but it all got destroyed by the lies of her mother. As time goes by I just turn myself to a blind eye and keep thinking to myself I'm not the mom I need to not take it too personal. But being raise as a step daughter myself I knew that I had been a really good child to my step dad and he had also been so good to me as well that I thought wow I can repay what was given to me. I was very wrong, daughter grows more to reflect mothers behaviors and manners, she is about to be 10 and still won't sleep in her own bedroom although she claims it as hers only, she is very jaleous of sister at times and even me. She tries to brain wash dad about her wanting to be here more( they still go and fight in court over child support and child custody). Although she goes to mom and tells her everything about us, then plays the victim card with us etc. Because to be honest Dad is really good at being a dad in other aspects but discipline with her he lacks. I guess my whole point is, sometimes I can't help to not like her very much, or I dread the time she is about to be here, I feel like I'm being invaded and deprived of my privacy with her. Me and dad aren't allowed to show affection, or even kiss or nothing when she is around. I have told dad that I don't want her sleeping with us bcuz that's our time and that if she really wanted to be here more she would call the cops on her mom for using drugs in front of her or around her. I feel lost at times. Dad tells me he will fix it or tries but I feel that I look evil for trying to make him see her for how she is, fake at times. Honestly I don't know what to do or say, I just keep to myself when she is around, I try to be cool and mind my own business but she does try to push every button in me.
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1. She has absolutely no
1. She has absolutely no business in your bed. She is not related to you. How would your DH feel if her mother's bf/spouse had her in his bed? She should not even be in your bedroom, that's couples intimate territory.
2. Stop that nonsense of not showing affection when she's around. Being affectionate is normal for a couple and showing it is healthy and good for the child - demonstrates what a good relationship looks like to her.
3. Disengage entirely. Stop doing whatever you do for her and stop caring. Yes, I know, easier said than done ...
and... don't encourage her to
and... don't encourage her to turn her mother in. She is a child.. if there is a drug problem in the other household.. then adults need to be the ones to intervene... so her father should be making a CPS call if that is an issue.
I'm sure that the child is insecure and it seems her life is fairly chaotic with her mother and the upheaval of a new sibling... she needs to sleep in her own room at 10 and her father needs to insist on that.
I try
I always try to talk to her and keep it nice. Sometimes she just comes up to me to spell her moms secrets or what her mom does and goes around telling everyone. CPS has been advised and involved they even interviewed her but didn't think she was in danger, it was all brought up in court, mother lies left and right and never has a valid response to anything. Still since the child has been trained by mom to lie and to not speak about her to anyone related to court or cps, child never says the whole truth.
So if the child has been
So if the child has been trained to say whatever her mother says, how are you going to handle things if she goes to CPS with claims of child abuse going on in your bed?
I have insisted many times
I have insisted many times that she should be sleeping in her bed, she has a very rude attitude about it and telling me that if I don't like it then I should be the one sleeping in her bed. Dad repremens her but still won't make her sleep there, I honestly don't know how to do it or how to say it to make it clear, because at the end of the day it just creates stress in my relationship with dad. Yes dad has told daughter that if mother was to ever move out from her parents and get her own home with a new bf, that she isn't allowed to sleep in same bed since that is not her dad.
That is what I have told dad, but unfortunately we also come from very conservative cultures and homes that we ourselves have never seen any type of affection from our parents. But still I always insist that we need to model what good,loving & heathy relationships should be so the girls learn that.
Sounds like your DH wants to
Sounds like your DH wants to be celibate. If he prefers to sleep with someone else, no nookie for him. He has a wife and it is not you.
So just flat out refuse to
So just flat out refuse to sleep in your bed if she's there. A child has no place in a marital bed... And her father is delusional if he thinks she'll "grow out of it".
Totally agree with
Totally agree with @Winterglow - I myself was in a very very similar situation & in some respects still am. I have a SS 10yo, he has a very toxic BM, I dread the times he comes sometimes, I feel my privacy is also being invaded, I used to do a lot for him and care a lot for him, but I have disengaged now and dont bother, I behave the same as I would regardless if he's there or not, my husband, daughter and I continue with our life and do what we do, we always include him in our lives and our plans obviously, but if his mother decides she wont allow him to join in then that's on her, I dont worry about it anymore. We know she quizzes him when he gets home as he has told us. She is very very bitter & resentful as we have started up our own business and that is so far, going well. She hates that. Bottom line is - your husband should NOT be allowing her in your bed, firstly, she is no blood relation to you and secondly she is approaching 10 years of age, at some point it becomes crossing a line, show your affections, be in love, regardless of her being there or not, she does not and should not rule your life, you are the adults, she is the child. Don't allow this child to rule your house and lives, I did for too long and wished I would have disengaged long before! I dont stress half as much anymore because it's not my problem!
..
What you said literally describes what's going on. I have told dad that she needs to sleep in her bed, and I've been saying this for quite a while but he just tries to defuse the situación by saying she eventually would want to sleep on her own. Her dad loves her and sometimes seems he would do anything for her even to find excuses for her bad temper,for her behavior, I know he feels guilty she has the mother she has.
Lucky he also has been opening his eyes more to realize that daughter isn't always honest with him or says the truth. But daughter still will use manipulation and play the victim and pity card to him and at the end of the day he just falls for it.
i have been slowly disangaging and not caring as much for it. But I also cannot help to feel like I'm the evil step mom, but for now on all I worry is for their safety and the health of our disabled child.
The next bf tries to initiate sex with you, tell him to go to hi
10yr old daughter for it since she is his sexual partner for sleeping in his bed..
i just can’t get it and neither can my husband with having kids in the bed that are not the product of that joint relationship or marriage who are infants or toddlers. Heck even when my kids are 3 or 4 hubby is already saying they need to be permanently sleeping in their rooms unless say they are sick and want to be with you for comfort...
sd’s tend to be a big problem on st for being miniwives. They make and think of themselves as superior to stepmum and compete for dad’s attention and sometimes in a sexualised manner. They even think they can lecture and order you around and answer you backbwhen tey lack any basic life skills.. you need to set those firm boundaries now!!
I just don’t know how
I honestly just don't know how to proceed with that. She is good for the most part since I try not to get involved anymore, but the bed thing just doesn't seem to change. I love my BF and we have slowly built things together and we plan on growing our own family, as well as moving forward with our life's. He is still in custody battle and he has gained more time with her, I'm hoping he gets 50/50 because he would be very happy with that, and hopefully this will change.
I think the real question is;
I think the real question is; why do you not resent your BF when he is the one putting his child's wants above your needs? Not allowed to show affection to you when she is there? Sleeping in your bed? He needs to shut that down. You should worry less about his daughter and more about why he is willing to let you be treated this way.
I have
I have resented him many times but I just brush it off, he is good to me when she isn't around,but when she gets here it's like he is walking on egg shells. Sometimes I don't care if she cries or throws a fit but I do what I usually do if she wasn't here and she goes balístics. But he tells her that she is his kid and I'm his gf and that is just different. But then asks me not to make her upset with the little time she is here. So I get the point and stop insisting.
Well, only you can decide if
Well, only you can decide if the good outweighs the bad or if this is your hill to die on. It doesn't seem like your BF wants to change anything.
True
True. Thank you all for the advice.