For those of you who have Disengaged
Since last summer I have disengaged from SS16 and DH because our parenting styles are polar opposites.
My question is how many of you have sat down in a quiet moment (without skids around)-and actually shared, without arguing, with your SO's how and why you are disengaging?
I did and was surprised by DH's reaction-and now he asks my opinion (not in front of SS16 of course)and direction he should take-one small step I guess.
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I tried to tell him I wanted to disengage, but
DH objected vehemently - because it might hurt SD's wittle feewings. Apparently her feelings are the only one's that matter. But I keep plugging away, trying to be a good mom/stepmom and then I ask him periodically for his input. Do you think I handled that well? What would you have done differently? How do you want to handle it in the future?
I've noticed that once we are not in the heat of the moment, he almost always agrees with how I handle things. It's that initial shock that I should dare to inch SD off her pedastal a notch or two, that really gets him riled. Once he has a minute to think about it, he realizes I'm always right... I'm super-mom!!
I wonder
What your BF would do if you could calmly discuss visitation with him-
something like:
I feel _________________________________ (say your feeling)
when you __do not get my input re Junior's visitation________________ (describe the action)
because _______________________________ (say why the action connects to
your feeling)
I know you have to be careful re the renovations and he could hold it against you (hope the timeline is short for the reno's!)-but this is your own livingspace and to have it invaded without your consent can only cause resentment (why don't these guy's see that?)
I hope your weeknight dynamics are better with BF than the weekends!
Junior's behavior would drive me to drink!
Step Parenting – you might need to step back before you step in something!
Will you
Let me smack him for you?
Step Parenting – you might need to step back before you step in something!
I had to disengage for a long time
After SD's continual attempts to verbally attack me, the largest of which was to tell me "YOU AREN'T MY MOM YOU CAN'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO!" When she was taking her anger out on me instead of my DH. Around that time she also ripped up a bunch of pix of me, including two wedding photos- one she kept the half with DH in her wallet (betcha BM would have been thrilled at that if she saw it) and the other was of SD and me dancing at the reception where SD was so overcome with happiness she had a tear in her eye. And broke/smashed/shattered all the gifts I had ever given her.
This episode too was when she got mad at DH and convinced herself he is a puppet on my string.
So I disengaged as much as possible given I am a stay at home mom and I live HERE.
DH supported this completely as he was angry at her for taking everything out on me all the time.
About 6 months later I started ever so slowly re-engaging, and continue to make small attempts to extend myself to her. I see her coming around here and there, but I have a feeling it's because both bio parents aren't living up to her expectations of the amount of attention they are giving her.
I didn't disengage without talking about it first though. And it wasn't a calm conversation on my part, and was stressful on his part, but what could he say after the things she did?
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
Well, i had that argument with DH
right when we first got married. I made the mistake of asking how i should handle mis-behaviour of his daughter - 5 years old. He told me not to say anything to her but to let him handle it all.
(This is before we found out her mom was telling her to come and act a straight fool)
HA! I promptly told him - no deal. Bottom line is this - I have a 13 year old daughter and 8 neices and nephews. They are at my house off and on at least 2 - 3 times a month. I love them and love spending time with them. But everyone has rules - and so does my house. Certain things will not be tolerated bottom line. If they misbehave then they do time out in the corner - while the rest of the kids still play or they do not get the same snack, playtime or treats, or outings the others do. They all learned really fast - we all have to treat each other nicely and not get "ugly" with auntie.
That is the bottom line. No ifs ands or buts. If her mother doesn't like it - to damn bad - in my opinion.
Same for my daughter. I expect her to follow the rules of my house and anyone else's house that she visits.
Period. I didn't back down on that - and i am not. I refuse to allow the child to come in and act a dang fool. I guess because from the start she had to realize that stuff doesn't fly with me - she pretty much gets along with everyone now. It is very pleasant i must say.
But of course - how long that lasts - i don't know. Im sure it will flare up again the closer she gets to her teen years or even before. But the rules still do not change. I don't expect kids to be angels or perfect - but outright mean and disrespectful - cool, you will be up in your room without a tv for hours. You will eat your dinner, no desert and when everyone else is at the movies or shopping or at the beach - you will be with your dad or grandma - missing out. PERIOD!
I TRIED to talk to
Dh about it, but he was having none of that! he didn't want to hear about it. Since I was also a SAHM, I felt there were certain things I did NOT have to do for her, and I didn't. he did nothing about the problem except blame me, but now, he sees the light. My SD is BPD, so she is know doing to him what she has done to me all these years. I am actually glad it's him now and not me!
"But I want us to be a family."
Is what DH told me when I said I wanted to disengage.
How can we be a family if Blabb is allowed to disrespect me? How can we be a family if I'm expected to be little miss maid for him and her but yet I am not allowed to set up boundaries because DH doesn't like to limit his baby girl.
:barf: Give me a break, DH.
So yeah... he knows that I hate Blabb and that I don't want anything to do with her. He just disapproves.
What you said, SW19....
JamaicanMeCrazy
DISNEY LIED...THERE IS NO 'HAPPILY EVER AFTER'
That's exactly how it is at our house. Everytime DH & I have a conversation about SD's he gets all pissy & goes into his mantra - 'you don't like my kids because they're not yours!' It's easier to ignore the elephant in the room than get in an all out war over SD's. Disengaging is alot harder than it sounds and I'm still working on mastering it.
I told DH...AND recently SD16!
When I first told DH that I was going to do the disengaging thing, we agreed about it. He wasn't happy, but he understood why I needed to do it for my own sanity. And it's been over a year. Vacations, summers, holidays- there is little to no interaction with her.
He'll ask me for advice about certain matters about her, but he'll be the one to implement them 100%- I have NO interaction with her. HI and GOODBYE are the most I say to her. Ok, with the exception of the big blowup in the summer when he INSISTED that I try to work things out and "clear the air with her". I tried. It didn't work. She stormed out of our house 2 weeks later for her BMs house in anger and hurtful words to DH and I. She came back 3 days later with her tail between her legs.
At the time she came back, DH made her sign a "new attitude contract". Yeah, right. She's the same nasty person. Nothing's changed. And apparently it's still ALL MY FAULT. Even though I don't interact with her at all, I'm still the cause of ALL her problems. Go figure.
So this weekend it all blew up again. And DH asked me to join him, once again, to "clear the air". I didn't want to, but for him, I did. And, in the course of the 2-1/2 hour marathon (UGH), I eventually explained to her what "disengaging" was and exactly WHY I was doing it.
I had to, because, once again, I was being blamed for all of her issues. EVERYTHING wrong in her world was MY FAULT. To hear her tell it, the fall of the economy is my fault. Global warming is my fault. George Bush was my fault!
So I explained. I told her it was my conscious decsion to step away from her because of HER decsion to treat her dad, me, and her family with a callous indifference.
She stared at me. So I explained. "You do not want to be a part of this family. It is YOUR CHOICE to treat your father and I with constant disrespect and attitude. It is YOUR CHOICE to lie to us, to scheme to get what you want and to not care that you do so when you are caught. It is YOUR CHOICE to not hold up to your commitment of the contract YOU SIGNED when you came back to this house, so I CHOOSE not to interact with YOU."
Her response at that point was a nasty, "I should have never even signed that STUPID contract!"
But I contiuned, nonplussed, "Relationships, even in families are not conditional. You cannot continually treat people in your family like crap and expect them to treat you like gold. And since you have not shown any effort to change your behavior, I choose to continue to not interact with you or do anything for you. And it will remain that way until you show that you GET IT."
I expect that she will be wanting to leave for her BMs again any day now. But at least DH is supporting me 100% and told her that if she leaves again, she will NOT be coming back this time. Period.
"Of course things worked out nicely for Carol Brady...she had a live-in maid and Mike's first wife was DEAD!"
Seems as though
The safest person for Cinderella SD to blame is you-she is clever to put the focus on you and not take personal responsibility for her relationships within the family.
I don't know how you do it!
DH is correct to nip the back and forth in the bud or she will play her BP's to the hilt!
Step Parenting – you might need to step back before you step in something!
I think her attempt to defer it all back to the contract and you
Is classic of what my SD's reaction would be.
By the way, she is severely peeved (irrationally) at DH this week, and in the interest of triangulation appears to be attempting to connect nicely with me.
That will likely all change again (especially tomorrow as she's off school all day and I didn't know it- EGAD.) And I set up an intake appt with a psychiatrist.
I will be evil SM for sure, not to mention tomorrow is the one day every other week that I don't have any kids getting up and slamming around to get ready for school. And now I know that BM will be dropping her off at 7ish.
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
Sita, I thought of your SD automatically
the ENITRE time I was having this conversation with DH and SD16. I just kept thinking to myself, "this could be Sita and HER SD to a 'T'!" and I would actually catch myself smiling in the middle of this entire surreal ordeal
Each and every time you write one of your accounts about your SD and her off-the-wall reactions to the simplest things you say, I think to myself, "Yup! That's exactly how SD16 would react, too!"
She told me, "You hate me."
I said, "No, you are incorrect. I do not hate you. I care about you very much. I do not like your behavior and the path you are taking. IF I hated you, I would have never let you come back in here once you left saying those hurtful and nasty things to me and your father when you left the last time."
Her reaction was beyond bizarre! She screamed and ran out of the room waving her arms hysretically, "YOU CAN'T SAY THAT! YOU DO HATE ME!! SEE DAD? SHE DOES HATE ME!!!"
DH and I were stunned. WTF? "Get back here now and calm down. 5Teens did not say she hated you. She said the opposite. You're not listening. She said IF she did, she would not let you come back home. But she did. We did. If she did hate you, she'd get her way- you'd be GONE!"
"Because she said those things, it means she DOES hate me. She should have never even said "IF"- it still means she hates me!!!"
Again, WTF???? It was obvious to us that this kid is totally not dealing with a full deck. She is not in reality. How can one try to rationalize with such an irrational thought such as THAT????
Holy crap!
"Of course things worked out nicely for Carol Brady...she had a live-in maid and Mike's first wife was DEAD!"
Oh 5 teens...
Those are called rages.
This week SD informed DH that she will be going back to her coaches house for a team party on Sat. We actually have family plans and she has a soccer game. But when DH tried to tell her this her arms starts jerking up in this WTF gesture toward us, she started raging about how WE knew that SHE had plans. I looked at DH and raised my eyebrow saying, "Did WE?" And he said, "No. WE are just finding out right now together!" That peeved her to no end. So she started ranting about how everyone on the team would be mad at her if she didn't go, and WHY CAN'T ALL HER FAMILY CHANGE THEIR PLANS???????"
I merely, ever so slightly scoffed. It was barely audible. Really. I asked DH later to make sure because what happeed next was a rage like you described about my-
"Laughing at me hysterically like ALWAYS! GOD! WHY DO YOU HAVE TO LAUGH AT ME ALL THE TIME!?!?!" And she ran upstairs.
I looked at DH and shrugged, then said quietly, "Because if I didn't laugh a little at the ridiculous in life I would surely be sucked into the craziness."
I didn't realize til I was all the way to "craziness" that she had immediately stormed back down to keep fighting and baiting.
OOPS. She turned around and stomped back upstairs to take a shower.
5 teens...I really feel your pain, and am not happy to hear you are feeling mine more and more each day.
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
Yup- that's it
Sita, I know it. After reading the books, and getting a better sense and understanding that SD16 (without having her clinincally diagnosed by a professional) is quite possibly BPD, every episode like this just makes it more obvious to me.
The saddest thing of all is that I am helpless to do anything about it. I can't even mention the subject of my suspicions of the BPD to DH- it would send him over the edge. He knows she has signifigant "issues" but this would be too much for him. Plus, at almost age 17, by the time she even got into therapy (and schmoozing all the therapists that there's nothing wrong with her anyway) she'd be 18 and off to college.
I think I was better off disengaging- it worked for me not having to deal with her craziness. This weekend was the first time that I saw how far-gone she actually is. And it truly broke my heart. She never used to be this bad. It definitely has gotten much worse over the years. But her behavior was allowed to go unchecked and unmanaged for so long that she is really "out there" and not thinking in reality and it's scary to watch. I don't know what's going to happen to her when she's off on her own in college. I shudder to even think about it.
"Of course things worked out nicely for Carol Brady...she had a live-in maid and Mike's first wife was DEAD!"
ANNOUNCEMENTS
I made no announcements. I never engaged, so I didn't have to disengage. I knew that the Brady Bunch was a 70's sitcom.
It has worked for us.
Disengaging
I tried to engage with my SD (who lives with us full-time) for probably the first year my partner and I were together. I hadn't been a step-mom before so it was all new to me. I finally realized that she is never going to see me as a "real" mom, prefers to spend time/do things with her own parent, and that the most I'll ever be to her is a friend/adult in our house. I don't discipline her (the few times I've said anything I can tell my partner dislikes it even though I've been told it's perfectly ok). If I have a problem with her behavior, I tell my partner and it is taken care of that way. I guess we all get along fine, I just don't feel close to her and many times wish I did. I guess I had this romantic idea of having the daughter I never had, but I've realized that's fantasy.
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for me
I disengaged after being on this website and that was 4 long yrs of engaging.
I didnt announce it, just kinda stopped putting my two cents in and letting FH "parent" ha!
I spent alot of time in my room though!!!!
Now for me i am a nice Aunt(related by marriage not blood) to them when they are there EOW..
as long as they respect me and my home there will be nothing but sunshine and rainbows in our house (OMG I just kill me!)
"Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without one."