3 months since I've stopped disciplining SD..
I was so upset after the huge blowout that I wrote about in June, I logged off from the site and didn't come back until today. I just didn't want to think about it all anymore, didn't want to be reminded of it.
I'm a little bit surprised because I have actually stayed true to what I vowed back in June... I had had it, and I wasn't going to be disciplining anymore. And I haven't. I still act the same to SD. still "take care" of her in the sense that I take her to school, go shopping with her, take her to the doctor etc. But I do not discipline, yell at, or criticize her anymore. Even when she spilled a half bottle of nail polish on the new carpet of our (rented) house, after having been told not to paint her nails in her room... she came to tell me about it acting like she expected World War III, and I didn't even raise my voice. DH on the other hand was FURIOUS with her when he found out, and really let her have it.
The funny thing is that I don't think DH even notices. He used to say how much he "needed" me to be a full parent and to help him by disciplining when necessary... well, I stopped 3 months ago and I don't think he knows it.
Of course there have been a few exceptions (one I will probably blog about next), but for the most part, my lips are sealed. And the lack of conflict between me and DH is great.
I'll say it again... new stepmoms, the most important skill you can learn is "SHUT MOUTH... KEEP OPINIONS TO SELF" where his children are concerned.
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Well, I am pretty lucky in
Well, I am pretty lucky in that SD is a really good kid overall. And, I do tell him what happened, but never what I think he should do. Like with the nail polish incident - he was at work and I emailed him just like "Wow, what a crazy day, first this happened, then I came home and SD had spilled nail polish all over the floor..." That's all I said.... he went ballistic all on his own.
A couple times I have definitely had to stop myself from saying something when SD was driving me crazy, or when I thought DH wasn't stepping up. I just have gotten to the point where most of the time, I would rather put up with whatever it is than have to fight with DH about it later.
Guess I need to say I
Guess I need to say I disagree, but it also depends on the skids ages/where you came into the picture as well.
My SD is almost 4, Ive been around for about 3 yrs and FDH needs major parenting help, especially now that we have BS7months. SD's behavior has majorly improved since I spoke up and I was very impressed by this last weekend. I/FDH and I decided that spanking was also not necessary as it didnt solve the problem (the time b4 last that SD was here), but I was able to teach him about time-outs and taking toys away.
SD is finally getting it that rules are different here and that there wont be any acting up and even better, that we get to do FUN things when behavior is good!
Sonja, that is really cool,
Sonja, that is really cool, and I wonder if it is different because your SD has had you in her life since as long as she can remember, and FDH is used to you being around and helping out too. It is nice to hear a good story once in a while too
sonja that is great that you
sonja that is great that you and your dh can do that and he has your back and supports you. The problem that many of these sm face is that their dh is NOT supportive of the sm and discipline of THEIR kids. We are the EVIL sm for ever and we HATE their kids. Just b/c we haven forbid say something or point out or dole out a punishment to their kids. They freak out on us to the point we give up and say nothing and let THEIR kids do what they want when they want and so on til either a. our dh's have enough and out a stop to it or b/ continue to let them do what they want and be spoiled rotten adults that think the world owes them along with daddy supporting them til they die.
Very true, and for that I am
Very true, and for that I am thankful my FDH has half a brain and can open his eyes a bit and see that although I am a new mom to my own, I do know a tad about raising kids.
I cant imagine coming into the story to a guy that has been raising his kids badly for the last 10yrs and expecting anything to change. Men just dont bend that way. And from the more I read more and more dads are doing the guilty daddy deal. Theyre all about saying yes and allowing bad behavior whenever/wherever!
I am fortunate enough that my
I am fortunate enough that my dh supports me and has my back. For the first few years it was like most of these dm on here guilty daddy and all. I had to disengage for a long time and it worked for me. My dh stepped up and is a dad now. I have lived it and I am here now to help other but of course I still situations and issues that come up. But what I can tell you is that it was never really my skids I had an issue with it was mainly bm and to a point still is.
I learned how much my skids really do like me while on vacation. My ss15 was messing around with a plastic water bottle and the cap shoot off so hard and hit me in the chest, poor kid you would have thought he lost his best friend as he was falling over himself to apologize and make sure I was ok. then he refused to use water battles for the rest of the week, he put water in a cup. That was the FIRST night. I felt so bad that he felt sooo bad for what he did. I could tell from that and how he acted that he REALLY did not do that on purpose and was really concerned with me being hurt. I guess I just felt so good to know that he did care.
sorry sorta went off subject huh? But I was just letting you know that I was once there but now I am in a great situation with my dh and his kids but not the bm. Never ever will be with her. That is a story for a later time.
That is a good story too! I
That is a good story too! I feel the same, my biggest issue is with BM, and after that, it is with DH who tries so hard to be supportive and really believes he is, but just has a blind spot when it comes to some things.
I hope to find that out someday too (about SD really liking me)... most of the time I think she likes me well enough, but other times she clearly could care less what I think or feel.