Sick Of Explaining My Family To People
Our blended family was all together at a school fair tonight. I reported for parental volunteer duty at the popcorn stand. All the parents there made small talk, introduced ourselves, etc. And then, this exchange, which is typical of something that happens at least once a month:
Other Mom: So, what grade is your child in?
Me: I have two. They're both in 7th grade.
Other Mom: Oh, are they twins?
Me (smiling blandly): Nope.
Other Mom (looks at me strangely): Oh. Uhhhmmm, er. Ok.
(Other Mom, under her breath: Interesting.)
I REFUSE to introduce my children as "This is my daughter, and this is my stepdaughter" and I am sick of having to explain to people who automatically assume that siblings must be biological.
I put both of them to bed at night. I drive both of them to and from school each day. I take care of both of them when they are sick. For both of them, I handle all the doctors, teachers, dentists, orthodontists, counselors, permission slips, instrument rentals, and bills. I take care of them. They are BOTH my daughters.
I know people aren't meaning any harm and probably aren't thinking anything at all when they make those comments. But I hate that tone people get the times you do explain that you have one bio child and one stepchild... they make that "Oh" sound and have that knowing look on their face, which clearly says to me, "Oh, then you don't really have two kids."
On a related note, if I do explain that the girls are stepsisters and both the same age, the very next question I always get is "How do they get along?" Again, I'm sure it's well-meaning, but I have never heard anyone ask that question about two bio-siblings.
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I can relate Erin, I also
I can relate Erin, I also refer to my FSD6 as my daughter. Her mother is Semi-involved, she sees her about 90 days a year. So the other 275, I wake her up in the morning, I bathe her, I dress her, I feed her, I drive her to and from school, I help her with her homework, I feed her snacks, I keep track of her chore chart, I make her dinner, I go to school functions, pta meetings, parent teacher conferences. I am her confidant, her advocate, her role model, and most importantly her friend. I AM MOM!
No need to explain yourself to others, I know it is difficult to let their reactions roll off, but it honestly isn't worth the energy to explain it to people most of the time. So try not to sweat it.
Woops double post. lol
Woops double post. lol
I hate the school rules about
I hate the school rules about this. My SD lives with us, her BM doesn't even have a phone or current address with the school, but my husband EACH year has to go to the school to sign a paper so I can have access to SDs records. For awhile when we first gained custody, she was 8, I was emailing teachers and getting NO response at all, b/c I wasn't "approved". They didn't even have the courtesy to tell me why they weren't answering my questions! The really annoying thing is that they had NOT required anything from the SF when she had lived with them. Grrrrrrr. I know, I know, they have to do it, protocol, keeping the kids safe, blah blah. It still really irks me.
I know how you feel. I just
I know how you feel. I just smile and tell people the WE have 4 kids. I say we because 2 are his and 2 are ours but its easier just to skip al the explaining unless its people who actually need to know lol. It will get a bit easier or you'll just learn not to care as much and I know that sounds awful but I call it my step mommy skin
When I meet new people, and
When I meet new people, and they ask about family and I tell them I have 4 kids, the next logical question is:
How old are they? Answer: 9, 14, 15 and 18
The next comment is: You have an 18 year old?! (With this look like "You must have given birth when you were 12!)
(I'm 4 ft. 11, 36 years old, but still look in my 20s- thank goodness!)
i have the option of explaining our situation or not. My usual response is "I became a wife and a mom on the same day" and I leave it at that. I have been known to continue with, it's really none of your business, we're a family, and that's all that matters
If I feel I wish to have a friendship with the person I am meeting, I might go ahead and fill in a few details... Most people are impressed to meet a SM who isn't the like a Disney SM who locks the skids in the basment, onnly to come out to do chores...
My oldest and dh's oldest
My oldest and dh's oldest were in the same class at school as well (back when ss lived with us)-I would get the same question as well. I never had a problem with saying, "we are a blended family" and leaving it at that. Not trying to be offensive, but I am curious as to why it would bother you to refer to yourself as a stepfamily or as one of the girls as your sd. Those are facts. There's nothing wrong with those facts. A stepfamily or sd do not have to be evil, or less important, it's just different than the traditional family. I did everything for my ss, and i do mean everything, far more than either of his biologicial parents did-even put together I did more-but that still didnt change the fact that he was my ss and its ok that he's my ss. That's not anything to be ashamed of.
I'm not ashamed or upset that
I'm not ashamed or upset that one is a sd or that I am a sm... and I definitely do fill in details if it's someone I care about.
I guess I just get bothered by people's assumptions because all too many times I have seen the look on their face, or heard them say things, to the effect of "Oh then you have one real child" or "Oh then you only have one child." I have no doubt at all that in our society a blended family is still seen as a second-class family by many people. That's what bothers me. And since I have to deal with all the "Well I am her MOTHER" crap from the BM, I just don't feel like putting up with more of the same from strangers.
From seeing some other people's comments, I think I have been very lucky as far as doctors, schools etc. I have never asked permission to do anything, have never been challenged by anyone, and BM never does any of these motherly duties herself, so really it's never been an issue. I suppose we ought to get some powers of attorney on file, or something, just in case.
When we got custody of my
When we got custody of my SS15 this past May and had to get him new Dr, Dentist, everything, I typed up a paper for my DH stating that I, SM, had all rights and access to anything SS related. Got it signed and notarized then made sure that every place had a copy on file. We also had to do this years ago with Child Support Office.
I have also been known to introduce my 3 kids (when people want specifics) as, I have 1 boy, 1 girl, and 1 son. But that was years ago and now our living situation has changed where SS15 lives here FT because his BM lost custody, and SD12 lives with her BM FT. SS is not allowed to see SD at this time, and she's not allowed to go to church with us, so people are shocked to learn that I have a girl. So now I just say I have 3 kids and when they look and count, I say the SD lives with her BM. LOL she's also the middle one here, so that could confuse people more. oh, well.
Anymore, I just ignore the
Anymore, I just ignore the questions. I have 4 bios/4skids...its a frikin nightmare and I don't want to relive it evertime someone asks a question. No, its not the brady bunch....its a living hell.
I just usually agree with whatever they say and go NEXT...are they twins...ya...ok...gotta go. Who cares what they think LOL.
On a different note, I think people who see us from the outside in are fascinated with our difference....they want to know more because it sounds so insane. And it is.