Useless BM
I'm feeling soooo frustrated today.
So, in our household be have implanted some time ago a positives/negatives system for our boys (BS7 and SS6) to earn pocket money each month. It has been a very good way of praising good behaviour and implementing consequences for bad behaviour. This was actually something my dad and mom did with us (there were 5 children in my family) and I always thought it was a good system, as it also teaches children to understand the value of money, save up, etc. Basically if they do something good (let's say do as you are told, homework, reading, chores) they earn positives (each positive is 10p) and if they do something bad (not listening or whatever) they get negatives (-10p) and then at the end of the month we do the sum and voilà they get some pocket money (not a lot, just for them to get a treat or small toy once a month, but for them is something extremely exciting and important). (We live in the UK btw, for those living in US 10p is 12 cents I think)
Anyhoo, the thing is that it's hard to do it with my SS6 as he is most of the time at his moms (EOW with us) but we always want to include him in stuff because otherwise he (understandably) feels left out. We talked with his BM, she was on board with doing it at hers as well, and also appreciated that it was a way for her to ensure good behaviour etc. BM has been complaining non stop this month about SS6 bad behaviour and 'nasty' attitude (her words), we have offered advice which falls on deaf ears, when asked about how many +\- he got this month she said barely any negatives and loads of positives ...uuhh? You said he has been horrible??? Her answer "yes but BS7 (my BS7) will get his pocket money and SS6 won't and he will feel bad and I don't think that's fair"....my DH was so upset trying to explain well, that's the point ! If he feels disappointed that he didn't earn much pocket money that right there is an incentive for him to start behaving better ???
I really try to stay away from all this nonsense but I see my DH glued to his phone, Angrily texting with BM about all this and then venting away with me. We have made lots of efforts to co-parent with her, we want to know what is going on at hers because otherwise we feel we sort of loose SS6 to the wildness and stupidity of her house rules, so we rather having her telling us stuff than not telling us stuff. Unfortunately leaving the door open for communication brings a lot of frustration as it comes with lots of this sh!t
sorry for the long vent....
does anyone have to deal with this kind of nonsense from the other bioparent ??
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We don't have to deal with
We don't have to deal with anything like that. DH and BM do parallel parenting so punishment doesn't necessarily carry over from one house to the other.
It's a real shame that BM is going to ruin this exchange for your son. I would keep this separate and do the exchange of points for money when your stepson isn't there.
Yeah, we are starting to feel
Yeah, we are starting to feel that co-parenting won't work with BM. It's a shame because my SS6 wants to be part of all these things, he feels my BS7 is his brother and the other way around....
grrrrrr
thank you for your comments !
I wouldn't give up just yet
I wouldn't give up just yet with co-parenting. Maybe another meeting with all of you to discuss how to make it work. Present the alternative, which is parallel parenting but explain the downfalls of that (and there are many). Parallel is not the best/preferred method but it's the only one if you have a very difficult/high conflict BM- which you don't seem to say she is. I'd try a bit more before going that route. Co-parenting actually is the best option, even with it's ups/downs and as long as it doesn't cause marital strife between you two.
Parallel can create an absolute nightmare of kid- they learn quick to manipulate each household against eachother/play both teams/lie to the other parent- it creates dishonesty/distrust/conflicted child.
I completely agree with you.
I completely agree with you. You are right I shouldn't give up just yet, I just need to keep positive
BM is not high conflict at all, she is just so useless lol, like a wet towel truly. She gets so easily overwhelmed, she gets defensive and upset and doesn't apply consistent discipline.
thank you so much for your comment and words of encouragement'!
I had a goodie box (super
I had a goodie box (super cheap off of Oriental Trading Co) with cheap toys, pencils, stickers and some candy. The kids could pick a treat if they finished all their chores are did well on a test. etc. At that time because Spawn was EOW it worked out well because she didn't have to be there all the time to get a prize or a treat.
Teaching kids the concept of money is great, but if your DH really wants to start teaching his BS these things he should set up an account for him and have him start earning money by doing things while he is with your guys, where he can put half in the account and keep the other half for himself.
Yeah. I think a slightly
Yeah. I think a slightly different version of our system should be implemented for my SS6.
thank you for your comments and ideas ' !!
An account for a 7 year old?
An account for a 7 year old? Yeah, no. Piggy bank or jar works just fine.
A savings account is actually
A savings account is actually a really good idea for children.
A savings account is a great
A savings account is a great idea.
Here's how it worked in my house: I did have a piggy bank. I got an allowance (some or all was withheld if I didn't meet my responsibilities), and I earned money for extra chores and for good grades. I could spend money out of the piggy bank if I wanted to. Or I could save it, and when I reached a certain amount, I'd deposit it in the savings account AND my parents would match whatever I saved.
I'm still a saver.
That's a great idea ! thanks
Incentives to save up money is a great idea
At that age, again, I see no
At that age, again, I see no reason for adult things- most savings have a fee ($5 a month) that is only waived with use of a card, etc. At least at my bank, so they charge your kid $5 a month for what you can save in a safe.
I don't know- I guess I'm just not a person that things kids need adult things at all. That includes banking. Not until they are of proper age/have a part time job, etc.
But then again I don't believe kids under 14 need cell phones. I don't believe girls getting pedicures/manicures or highlights/any coloring (grown ladies things) until they have their own job and can pay for it themselves. I guess I'm pretty old school. I almost did open them an account under my name but decided against it and waited until they were old enough to manage an account responsibly.
Yep same here. I got a
Yep same here. I got a savings account wihen I was 10. I still had my piggy bank but also could put money in my account. Which my parents let me do when I wanted. I was responsible for understanding my balance and deciding if I wanted to take money out. HUGE learning experiene! I advocated this for the SDs heavily. DH and I took them to the bank with YSD almost having a meltdown at age 11 and OSD railing against it the whole way. Of course, this is the LAST engagement I did with them. I should have just turned that car around and went home with not a word.
The bank is now closing out their acconts as they have been unused for more than 3 years.
Yay, fun times seeing milestones crash and burn and kids fighting learning how to function normally.
Our boys have a wallet where
Our boys have a wallet where they put some of the coins they are going to spend and their piggy banks were they put aside to save. So far they have both put all of their pocket money in their piggy banks ! I'm one proud mama lol
I'm sorry to ear about your experience. That is often the case for us with my SS6, most milestones get somewhat messy due to silly old BM
Since BM isn't implementing
Since BM isn't implementing your system properly, just focus on your house. There are many different ways you could do it - if he's there a quarter of the time, take his points with you and multiply by 4. Or do something totally different, like reward a good weekend with an experience. I'd leave BM and her time out of it. Who cares if he's an angel at her house but not at yours - you're enforcing behavior at your house, so he shouldn't be rewarded by you for that.
Thank you for your comment!
Thank you for your comment! You know what multiplying by 4 was my very first suggestion when were thinking of implementing this system, defo worth thinking about since BM ruins everything!!!! I'm being dramatic of course but I'm so angry at her today lol