Bought a new home, hubby wants to furnish it for entertaining disrespectful adult skids so they have a place to stay
so we are in the process of looking at furniture to buy for a home me and hubby bought in my country overseas wgere i am current finishing my university studies and my 2 toddlers/young kids are about to start school.
we are on a budget that i want to smartly spend within on things that are a priority, hubby wants to furnish 4 bedrooms with queen size beds and i have told him our 2 young kids should be in single or king single beds as their first grown up beds. Hubby says no its a waste of money when we have the mattresses already.
hubby recently told his adult ss that none of us want to be around him because of his constant negative vibe, him repeatedly telling his dad that i am a stranger along with my 2 kids with hubby (his half siblings) and that for religious holidays etc hubby would be spending it with us and couldn’t possibly bring adult ss21.5 because he is so negative in shunning us and gives off a negative vibe that even my elderly dad in his 80s wants to never be in ss presence ever again
hubby told ss his own bio mum wants nothing to do with him so he can’t even be with her or his bio sisters since they are controlled by their mum, ss can’t go visit hubbys family on his own because they will grill him about his behaviour towards us that now we don’t want his negativity and shunning killing our happy mood at home and they will be furious at him and because of that he will celebrate it alone.
so i feel like the only reason hubby wants to furnish 4 spare bedrooms with queen size beds the moment we have the keys to the home is purely he can have his adult son come over
i told hubby earlier this year and late last year that i was done ever wanting a relationship with his kids that the abuse me snd our kids got from his 3 kids (2 whom are adults) was unacceptable and i am happy to be in my own space away from them and that this home should be our happy positive place and his kids are so negative and horrible.
i am spending money on this home and furnishing and taking care of it, i feel like i’m back at square 1 with hubby like he’s still in the “its my job to unite the family”, its been 5 plus years, i am done trying and being treated like shit constantly and hubby reckons ss wants to apologize for his behaviour, the last time he did apologize when his dad told hom to for his unacceptable behaviour he mumbled his apology with a smirk on his face the whole time and said dad told me to apologize
so for stepparents here who successfully bought a home with their spouse and enforced the rule of no skids ever being in it, how did this go with your guilty disney dad syndrome spouse??
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Well I Hate To Be The Bearer of Bad News, BUT....
But, I really dont think the guilty Disney dad syndrome ever ever ever goes away. EVER. My DH an I go through good patches, but the on-going spoiler is that he always thinks should be one united family. That will never happens in my case, if my adult children continually give, and communicate with us, but the adult skid only shows up when he wants something. How can this lopsided mess ever be united??? It will never be united because we are always going to be the "bad guy".....PS, I have 25 years in the situation, it never changes unless your DH finally gets it....(mine has not)
Thats exactly it
being united means everyone is compromising and working together towards a united front and that can’t happen when you have adult skids sponging off dad.
my husband told me last month he was retiring early next year and that from next year ss could live in the family home in hubbys asian country provided he pay all the utilities as hubby would be retiring overseas but that does not mean ss owns the home, its a family home meaning our 2 kids are always welcome.
he also told sd24 that from next year any luxuries sd(almost 15) wanted she could bear that cost because hubby was only continuing with the basic child support as the court ordered. There was no more sd24 claiming for cs from hubby indefinitely to care for her younger sister’s expenses when hubby is the only person paying the exwife as ordered by the courts so any luxuries and wants sd24 can cover it if it’s important but hubby isn’t gonna work far beyond he should have to for their laziness and immaturity
hubby thinks he can just tell his kids to be united and not fight and squander over money and to never leave us dry while they try and hide assets and they’ll answer “yes dad” and everything will be ok but yet they are in cohorts with bio mum to transfer things into their name so me or my kids get nothing from hubby and hubby sees right through it and says he would never do that to us...
us buying this home in my country overseas is a great thing because it provides protection for me and our 2 kids together so we will never be left homeless by hubbys exwife and skids trying to get rid of us... hubby pre-empted this and told his son that we bought a home together but because of his shitty behaviour, none of us wanted him around and hubby couldn’t justify bringing along ss so he’s at a point where he needs to be alone for the holidays because of his own doing.
i told hubby i was done wanting to try anymore that it was too much and i had disengaged, this home is like my sanctuary and he wants to bring adult ss over. He has never proven that he is even sorry for his behaviour but justified he does the abuse intentionally but he isn’t wrong... yeah go figure on that one.
my feeling is when hubby says ss is coming over that i put my foot down and say no that he has never once felt sorry and now because of his own doing tormenting us that we want nothing to do with him so he needs to reap what he sewed. He can be alone during the holidays as its his own fault and no one should be pmaying a pity me party for him
My DH has never been a guilty
My DH has never been a guilty Disney Dad - at least since I've known him. But by then SS was in his 20s and had burnt a lot of bridges with DH and BM. Like being extremely violent towards both.
Almost a decade ago when DH moved to be with me - which is where SS was living also (I certainly never knew him) DH and SS had been totally estranged. They reconnected but DH was clear that SS could never spend a night with us. Besides we were living in MY home.
When we bought a house after marrying it was totally in my name. SS cleaned up his act somewhat - still an alcoholic druggie but no longer homeless as he found a better quality woman to mooch off of.
We allowed SS, his GF and their baby to stop by for visits and meals.
Then the infamous home invasion while we were out of state on vacation about 3 years ago. At that point I told DH to keep them away from me. And that included their coming to see DH when I was not home. They are not allowed near me or my home - no exceptions.
DH was not bucked this although recently he's hinted that he wishes I could "let it go". My response is that yes it's in the past - but that my life is full. I don't get to see many of my nearest and dearest because of time constraints. SS brings nothing to my life.
This house is solely in my name too
skids have burnt alot of bridges between me and my 2 kids, they provide no benefit to me or hubby, they upset hubby and manipulate him constantly and mooch off of him..
they provide no benefit to our quality of life, they spy for bio mum and respect no boundaries, heck ss room smells of mould, his bathroom had leeched mould into an adjacent room.
He has told his dad its my job as a woman to clean up after men. This is our dream coastal home that i too am pumping money into and i do not want any skids destroying it with their filthy way of living and laziness.
i told hubby this morning that i see no benefit furnishing all additional bedrooms beyond our master bedroom with queen beds, its pointless and a waste of money to have those beds collect dust.
We can furnish over time, for now putting a king single and single bed for our 2 growing kids is practical and maybe a spare bed if my dad comes over because he helps out alot with handywork stuff and has volunteered to show and help with the minor stuff.
hubby said he was thinking of the future but i said we are wasting money now on what he wants that can be better spent elsewhere.
hubby has said to me he gets my feeling and how skids are towards us and it upsets him but its his duty to unite everyone and thats when i said he’s in lala land because his kids want it their way always and so inconsiderate of how they treat others and you simply cannot unite your kids with me and our kids when your kids with ex actively do things to destroy our marriage. Now we have a safe place and you want to bring them in is just crazy.
Hubby took a vow to protect our marriage, his kids have sought to destroy our marriage so why should they get to benefit from me and the home i bought with hubby??
We bought a home together and
We bought a home together and although we don't have a rule that SKIDs never come, they are only here for the odd meal, once or twice a year, I wouldn't ask them to stay the night. I have made it clear in the past that neither of them will ever live with us and that I don't care for the SDs and DH accepts this, as he knows they treated me very poorly.
Because of the way SS has treated you, I think it is perfectly fine to say he is not welcome in your home. DH will have to see him elsewhere if he wants to.
Thanks kes
Hubby is just back to his usual lets have a blank slate and forgive and make amends. Yeah that so-called blank slate happened so many times with no changes.
skids need to accept how their behaviour and attitude has ultimately brought us to this point. Believe me i am not excusing my husband, he has alot of daddy guilt and struggled to put his foot down with them until he saw me wanting to walk out the door and how he allowed his kids to continue with their unacceptable behaviour at my expense basically.
there comes a point where i am just done and skids can apologize all they want, i just don’t care and its easy for hubby to say to forgive and forget, those kids made me cry so many times and hurt me so much and i felt hubby never had my back.
he’s started telling them that they reap what they sow and their behaviour all along to me and our kids and now we don’t want to be involved with them 1 bit is all for nothing because even their bio mum has abandoned them.
so they’ve played this sick twisted game at their dad and me to destroy our marriage for nothing. They don’t just get to benefit from me and hubby now being in a position to buy a dream home together and act like its their own. This is my safe place, they have done nothing all along to be genuinely friendly and respectful civil people so any apologies is just not genuine for them and i am past wanting a relationship with any of them but hubby still feels this strong point of still having to unite us
"hubby still feels this
"hubby still feels this strong point of still having to unite us"
Do you think he'd get it if an outsider told him flat out that no reasonable person would ever even dream of inflicting his kids on a you? Sometimes the shock of hearing things from someone who is not involved can make you realize how far from reality you really are.
His sisters had suspected long ago the behaviours of his eldest
3, they just didn’t realize how bad and what i’ve been dealing with. It was just a shock from them. My sils are on my side and they’ve started questioning hubby. Its getting to a point where they will tell hubby you are being used and disrespected big time by these disrespectful lazy sponges and you need to do something about it.
they know i refuse to be around them and its been hitting hubby when i told him flatly I wouldn’t attend family events if ss or sd’s came along and fake niceties when the whole trip i am shunned or shown my rightful place below their mum, stepdad, them and every other person they can think of...
hubby told his daughters and son he bought a home with me with his savings, eldest sd told hubby today that she needs him to continue paying her monthly allowance (despite working 10months fulltime in her uni graduate job) because she is on probation in her job for approximately 1-3 years and she needs daddy to pull strings if she isn’t successful in retaining this job. This current job she sat there in dead silence and refused to answer any interviewer questions
Hubby told her as of next year she is responsible for all utilities and ongoing costs of the home she lives in which hubby owns and is still paying a loan off, ss has been told as of next year he will need to contribute towards paying utilities at the family home in hubbys asian country since ss will be living there.
Even when hubbys sisters told him his daughters were out of line, hubby justified and excused it that they listen to their stepdad who oversteps his authority over them in banning visits to hubby etc (which he has no right to).
with the way things are going, i see eldest sd getting engaged in secret and getting married but telling hubby her mum in uncomfortable with me and our kids being present or hubby giving her away etc and just causing issues and thats gonna shock some sense into hubby and his sisters will be grilling hubby about it.
So for now i stay out of their issues as best i can, but hubby knows full well how selfish it is he expects my dad to tolerate ss shitty behaviour and the reason why hubby didn’t allow ss to come home while dad visited hubbys country with me whilst i’m on university breaks
hubby has said to me he gets
hubby has said to me he gets my feeling and how skids are towards us and it upsets him but its his duty to unite everyone
Your H has this dream of "uniting everyone" but it really isn't his "duty" to do so. His duty is to protect and honor you as his wife from his trifling @ss kids. This is what he needs to comprehend.....I mean really what doesn't he get?!? You've put up with so much abuse from these kids and he wants you to forgive, forget and start over? No, these are HIS kids.
You have created your boundaries and don't want them near you and yours. He wants to entertain their nonsense he can do so outside your safe haven. You don't have to be subjected to it. How many times does this have to be explained to him before he understands that you want no parts of this f@ckery.
Hope you enjoy your wonderful new home and may the stepkids NEVER step foot in it.
Yes you’re right and several months ago i told him how
Hypocritical he and his kids were and that when hubby gave the excuse they’re his kids and its his duty to unite everyone, i reminded him that he took vows when he married me to protect me and that even in our religion and wedding vows that he had to honour and protect me.
his kids have caused so much shit to destroy our marriage and happiness and guilt him for marrying me because he moved on which isn’t ok even though their mum married the week divorce was finalised and had been cheating on hubby.. i told him that he has allowed his kids to destroy our marriage and relationship and i had every right to be protected from them and that they never set foot in our home and hubby woke up in that moment.
He hadn’t seen it that way.
believe me mid next year are religious holidays and when he tells me ss is coming, its a hell no and when hubby claims he wants a blank slate, i am just reiterating he is never setting foot in this home, he’s a toxic pos that i want to avoid as much as possible.
He has never been genuine about changing and once hubbys family realized that ss had to be on his own, they will grill ss and hubby about all that he has done to me that i want nothing to do with him.
my sils have told me its not new, right after hubbys divorce, ss actively shunned them and refused to acknowledge them. If he needed something, he just blurted it out or asked and it was so rude so its no surprise to them