Oct is National ADD Awareness month, which will probably make me feel weird for the rest of my life because of M. I broke up with M in the beginning of June. I still hadn't found an apt with my two friends so I had no where to go yet but it just fell out of my mouth on our drive home after we met up for a lunch downtown. He asked me where I was planning on moving and I told him not to worry about it. He asked, "Are you breaking up with me?" I said, "Yes."

I had a great two nights getting stupid drunk with a very old friend I hadn't seen in years and catching up. M hated her. She is outspoken, beautiful, wild and free, and absolutely my 'crazy friend' who takes no sh*t from any man she doesn't want sh*t from. She straight up told him, "Ewww dadbod," when he flashed her (which why the hell did he do that in the first place) when they first met two years ago. He hated her from that that night, called her a b*tch. I think it was in a way, fitting and full circle, for her to come to town the end of May until that deadfull day of June 3rd and give me support. Many of my old friends, whom I'd just started hanging out with again because I needed time away from him and a safety net, had seen me through single-hood and other relationships over the years and couldn't believe I was putting up with his crap. A week before I broke up with him, he came home from the bars at 2:45AM and I don't know how this makes any logical sense, but started calling me a slut and a whore and I was cheating on him... I had been sitting on the PS4 playing an RPGMMO called Neverwinter for hours, waiting for him to get done at 'work.' Apparently he was at the bar instead of work... (No surprise, I found out he blew his tax refund of about $3K in one month on the bars, fast food, and junk food and he had been lying to me about being at work when he really was at the bars, about 3-4 days a week for the months of February and March...) But apparently me playing at game at home all night means I'm a cheating whore... WTF? He was screaming that we needed to break up for an hour. I told him 'Im not listening to you and am going to bed.' Everytime he tried to pick a fight I'd repeat a simple statement like that over and over with my fingers in my ears and go to the bedroom and try to turn on my voice recorder discreetly and record him. The next day, he didn't remember any of it and acted like nothing had happened. (I believe he was having a manic/mental break cuz of the drinking and he probably was black out and doesn't remember any of it.) So that happened a week before the breakup.

I told him I wasn't originally planning on breaking up with him and it just felt like we needed to live separately and have some time apart, and that it just came out. I really cared for him and my plan was to work on things when we were living apart. Of course he was extremely, very emotionally distraught and upset for the first day or two. He went out with a friend but came home late and was fine. He didn't drink a lot that night. The next day he had dinner with me and just wanted to hang out. The 3rd day was when things started making me nervous. He started drinking, day drinking, and wasn't eating or going to work. He started being mean and angry. On the morning of June 7th at 6AM he came home from god only knows where, presumably after being out drinking all night, which interferes with his anti-psychotic and anti-depressant medications. (I'll do a post in a day or two about ADD and mental health in relationships and for anyone who is wondering/having issues with a possible ADD partner.) He started verbally abusing me and saying that he was going to tell his counselor that I physically abused him 7 or 8 times and he had to tell him. this was while he was holding me and spooning me in my bed, in my bedroom after he was completely drunk. I told him he was completely insane, and making stuff up like he always does about things I have never said or done. I tried to go to the couch to sleep and he followed me. I tried to get him to leave me alone and quit following me several times. He was getting angrier and angrier, screaming at me in his underwear at 6:45AM. I got back to my bedroom and tried to close and lock the door. He threw his whole 220 lbs against the door, slamming it into my face and my hand that was on the door jam trying to hold it closed. I flew back several feet and started screaming at him to leave me alone and go away, he had just hurt me. He finally shut up and went to the living room. I had my voice recorder on and it recorded me frantically calling a friend or two to see if they'd come get me. No answer. I called someone who lived very close and asked if she was up and if I could come over. I threw some clothes and shoes in a bag and ran out in my slippers, leaving my best friend and furr-child, Gremlin, behind. When I got to my friends, she told me my lip was bleeding. I had no idea it had been cut open in two places by my teeth when the door slammed into my face and that was probably what shocked M into finally shutting up and leaving me alone long enough for me to get out. My cheekbone and eyebrow ridge hurt. My left hand couldn't be used at all, I couldn't hold a cup or even open a just of milk with it.

So I was homeless for the next month and a week. I finally got a place signed later that month and a friend let me stay with them for a month. I got my kitty out in a week and to a safe place. Then my friend and I both lived in a tent on the riverbank behind work for two weeks until my place was ready to move into. I had nightmares every night until August. Now they're only a night or two a week. Mostly its about being forced to go back to that apt and be with him, or I'm still trapped and haven't gotten away. It makes me sick with anxiety for the day everytime I have a dream like that. I'm only 2 blocks away from where I lived with him, and I'm constantly watching the roads to make sure he isn't going or walking by. I think none of our friends have told him where I live and I should be ok, but I'd rather not ever let my guard down until one of us moves further away.

He started dating a 20 year old girl, with an infant of her own, who is almost half his age!! Just 12 days ago. She was the 'babysitter' he had living with him (yeah I knew something was up when he called her babysitter but I could tell she was living there) in early August watching his kids when I went to pick up some of my stuff I left behind. I've been so sick and upset over it. 20 years old... with an infant.. she is closer in age to his children than him, and not even old enough to be either of his kids mom. Talking to other friends who have been in abusive relationships, apparently this a norm for men, to find a very young, naive, girl to abuse who doesn't know better after us older women run away finally. I feel so terrible for her. I don't feel ok getting away just so he could abuse someone who is barely not a child.

Later