Cracked!
Well this is my first blog. I figured after my step daughter broke me yesterday I need to find some sort of support from somewhere. Just to give a little back ground. My boyfriend has a 5 year old daughter. We have been together since she was 2. We are not yet married but have been living together for over 2 years. Just to make things simple I call her my SD. Her mother has recently become a traveling nurse and so SD moved in full time. We use to get her every weekend and now we have her all week and weekend. Since we have had her everything has fallen on me. Getting her up, feeding her, making lunch, taking and picking up from daycare and the whole nine yards. Her father is working in another state so he leaves before we get up and gets home late. I am just exhausted. To top it off she has the worst temper and mouth and is plain rude. She broke me yesterday morning and I actually cursed at her. Ive never done that and it hurt for me to do that but I just lost it. She was kicking and yelling that she didn't want to get up and I just couldn't take it. It doesn't seem that bad when I write it but I guess with all the things falling on me it's getting to me. She has no consequences of her actions because she's not my daughter so I can't bust her butt but her father doesn't either. She constantly is being derogatory towards me and saying how I am not her mother and this and that. I do everything for this child and it doesn't even cross her mind the things I'm doing. I have to always hear about how I am not her mother ( from her) which breaks my heart. I am not trying to be her mother I just want to be respected. I love her but it's breaking my relationship with the man I love and I know her being with us is much better but ugh I just don't know how much more I can handle. Well that's enough venting for now lol
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OK, she is 5. She has had to
OK, she is 5. She has had to move in with someone who is NOT her mother all day and her whole world has been flipped upside down and inside out. If this had been an ongoing problem I would say you are right. But you mentioned 'recently'. She misses her mother, her father isn't in the picture 99% of the time and it is up to you to parent this child because her own parents are not around to do it.
You say she disrespects you. She is 5 and really has limited self control. And from the description you give she hasn't ever been taught how to control herself. Also it breaks your heart when she says 'You are not my mother'yet you freely admit to not being her mother or wanting to. You cant have it both ways.
My advise would be... if you are left to take care of her all day then you are in charge and you make the rules. Think of it this way, if she was in daycare do you think they have rules? Of course. So if you are the 'daycare you make the rules.
First off, agree with her, you are not her mother. She is right. But her mother and father have left you in charge so you make the rules. Tell her "You have 5 minutes to get up. There will be no breakfast if it takes longer than 5 minutes." Scream, yell, abuse from Miss5. Walk away and shut the door. No TV, nothing. Sit in the dining room/kitchen. If she is still not up in 4 minutes give her a 1 minute warning. If she decides not to get up this is a battle of wills and one she has always won with her parents in the past. You tell her the blankets will be removed from her bed and there will be no TV until tomorrow. Scream, yell, abuse. Eventually she will wear herself out. She will come out and you say "Thank you for getting up. Now you may have a glass or juice/milk and that is all until lunch because you did not get up when I asked." Whine, grizzle, tiny tantrum.
Ignore. Make sure the TV remote is hidden and she cannot turn on the TV. Disconnect the cable if neccessary. But no TV.
Take her out for a walk, wear her out, talk to her about what she can see. Let her draw pics for her mother, buy something for her mother.
When she is really settled down, tell her you know you arent her mother but for now her Daddy and Mummy have decided you are taking care of her so this is the way things are for now. Ask her what she wants to do.
If your SO has problem with you being in charge during the day advise him he is welcome to stay home himself or put her into daycare during the day.
Personally, she sounds like a very unhappy little girl. She doesnt have her parents around very much and has no say in her life. Imagine being made to stay with someone your SOs brother/sister and your SO seldom saw you. You have no access to any transport and you cannot leave alone. Basically she is a prisoner.
This is an excellent time to forge your own relationship with Miss5. I bet you can do it. It just takes strength and creativity.
What would mom and dad do if
What would mom and dad do if you were not in the picture? Would mom had accepted a job as a travel nurse? Would dad continue to live in one state and work in another? Mom and dad need to rethink things. All of this should not fall in your lap. You aren't the parent.
It's a hard situation because
It's a hard situation because his work is hard work and he has to take what he can get. We need the money so it's not like he can just find another job
he's a good dad just it's a messed up time right now. I totally understand it is hard on my SD but you would just think she would be grateful that she does have me? I dunno it's just hard on her and me both I guess. I love her to death and give her everything just she does crazy things. I had a very stabile home with loving parents and a strict household so I guess it's hard for me to see how she feels. I just think at least she does have me but that thought is not in her head. I guess I just have to keep trucking along in hopes things do get better. She is not a bad kid just takes it all out on me 
I've been there and done
I've been there and done that. I was my ss's primary caregiver from ages 2-9. My dh worked out of town-bm was eowe parent. First of all-you do have the right to discipline her as others have suggested. It is good advice-but I would not continue this set up in the long term-if this temporary then ok-but if this is long term it is not going to work. That child is going to continueally resent YOU simply because it is easiest to do so.
She is not grateful to you because she doesnt want you taking care of her. She wants her mommy or her daddy. And think about it-if you werent around then her bm might not have taken the job she did. Would she be a traveling nurse if she didnt have trusty Exhausted sm to raise her kid? Would your dh have ever agreed to taking on custody if trusty Exhausted sm wasnt there to raise his while he worked? This is sooo not healthy. The kid has two functioning parents and neither one of them are providing primary care for her. You will be the one to pay for that abandonment, hurt, and anger. trust me on this one.