Childless but not
I had always wanted to have children. I had always plan to have a BK of my own for years.
It took me into my 30s to ever find someone I would like to be with. By the time I got married when I was 33 I didn't think I was doing to bad. It wouldn't be a big deal to have a child in mid 30s anyway.
My husband already had children from a previous marriage and from an ex-girlfriend that he never would marry but she was aloud to sign up a divorce from him in the State of Texas. He had two little girls from her no biggy. The two boys from the pervious marriage was already grown. So it was just the two girls. So I inherrited two SD's but still wanted a child of my own.
We tried to have a child together but it just never happen. Blame it on stress, blame it being to old, found out later it was just a pcos problem.
Anyway 3 years has gone by and I pretty much gave up on the idea that I will ever have my own child. The idea of it in so many ways kind of hurts.
I watch my husband and his girls chat and talk about their bloodlines, what part of there bodies like eyes, hair color, exc they inherit from their father from there "YUCK mother" It kind of leaves me blank.... I can't have this talk cause I never was blessed.
I don't want to consider to adopt or any sort. I really really wanted a bylogical child that share mine and his gene, share some heritage stories of the family and bloodlines, like my mom did with me.
I dunno. I do admit I am jealous of my husbands relationship with his kids. Knowing I will never have a realtionship like that with a kid cause my failed body will not ever produce a child.
Anybody in the same boat?
- Filly's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
Yes, I am. I was diagnosed
Yes, I am. I was diagnosed with premature ovarian failure at the age of 28 even before I met my DH. It was DEVASTATING...it's essentially early menopause. My mother was more fertile than I was!
Adoption is a very real option for me. But I had to grieve the loss of a bio child. It is sad to me that my child will never look like me or share any common personality traits.
I'm sorry you are going through this. It hurts for a long time. It was a loss that changed me, one that I've never fully gotten over, I've just gotten better at dealing with it.
Do you have people you can just talk about it with, who will let you cry and say crazy stuff just to get it off your chest?
hugs to you!
I've talked to a friend. She
I've talked to a friend. She always hopeful and nice. we are both step parents but my friend was lucky enough to have her own daughter. She just had a son last week but it took her 5 years to bring that son into this world. Her plans were to have that- son two years after her daughter but nope 5 years later here he came. Like I say she is always hopeful for me, says I am on that prayer list of hers all the time.
Talked to my aunt but she is pissing me off. She thinks it is for the best.. Mainly because in her book this world is getting harder to live in. Maybe there is a reason you are not blessed.... She is on that whole god is coming theory. Yeah. Okay. I am not ready to start thinking the world is ending.
:jawdrop:
do not talk with your aunt
do not talk with your aunt about it anymore. she is not helpful.
i was a "good" girl for a long time and stayed abstinent through most of my 20s, my grandmother said, "well if you don't use it you lose it" it was the most unkind thing she could have ever said to me.
i quit saying anything to her about it.
i have been on infertility sites and it has been very helpful to read what the other women are going through.
adoption is not the same...but for many of us it is the only option to having our own child. i'm going to try embryo adoption. that way i will get to experience pregnancy. but if that doesn't work then we will try another form of adoption.
so many people on those forums adore their children so much and know they never would have had them if they hadn't been infertile. they see their adopted child as the child God had planned for them.
i see the beauty in that thinking, but i still grieve the loss of a bio child. maybe it will take me having a child in my arms, i dunno.