How much involvement should I expect in my new DH's previous life?
I have been married for 1 month but we have been together for 3 years. I feel like I'm just getting to know him in some ways.
I feel like there is alot of stuff that he still hides from me...mostly related to his XW. As a recent example, he has been acting very distant in the last few days. Of course, I've asked and asked what's on his mind and he says nothing. Well, this morning, he mentions that he saw XW's brother on Monday and they discussed how unstable she is, how she ignores the SS13, and on and on about how horrible of a BM she is. DH says that he really thinks that SS13 would be much better off living with us full time. The thing that bothers me about this is that he doesn't share this kind of stuff with me when it happens. He also "hides" an evidence folder that he keeps on BM (arrests, beaten up by her bf, etc). I know where the folder is but it's the fact that he feels that he needs to hide it.
Am I expecting too much? I was married before for 12 years. Am I expecting too much involvement from new DH too soon? Please help. I'm feeling like I'm being kept at an arm's length.
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I bet there are a few reasons
I bet there are a few reasons behind some of his actions... the main one being that he is probably embarassed that he was married to such a loser of a person. I also know that in the first couple of years that DH and I were dating, it took us a while to get the BM "stuff" worked out. I would feel like you, that he was keeping secrets from me in regards to their contact. He looked at it as the majority of her phone calls/texts were insignifcant (basically asking if he could watch SS) and so therefore he felt no reason to let me know about every single one. (Ok agreed, sometimes, less IS better) And then I, myself, put him in a place where he was damned if he did and damned if he didn't. For instance, he told me that BM called him because she is so dumb, she had to ask him how to fill out a job application. My response was to flip out and ask why in the world she felt she should call HIM about this, doesn't she have any friends, relatives, whatever she could ask.. why him????? Of course, he does not know the answer to this question, he can not control when she chooses to pick up the phone, and which time she will be calling about SS and which time it will be for nonsense. Then my DH reminded me that THIS is why he doesn't like to tell me that she calls... because it upsets me.
I know that this is true, he hates BM, hates her voice, hates that he has to speak with her, but does for his son. I think that he truly tries to shield me from her, which I was mistakenly taking as him being sneaky and hiding things from me. Maybe talk to your DH and let him know that you feel left out and since her actions will affect YOU and YOUR family that you would like to be kept in the loop.
I feel this exact same way.
I feel this exact same way. Married for a month, dating 5 years, BM is a big secret. Once DH's SIL told me a story where BM showed up drunk to pick up the skids and got into a fist fight with SIL bc SIL didnt want them with her in that condition. I asked DH why he never told me since I think being in his life means I have a right to know if there is a psychotic violent person in it also. He responded by saying he is embarrassed by these incidents and why would he tell me when it reflects so badly on him. I then found out he told SIL to not tell me any more BM stories. He is still secretive about communications with her but I am hoping he comes around.