People always think that the main source of conflict over resources with stepfamilies is financial- that resources (money) is being diverted from supporting one family to another. But in reality, it’s time. Time is more precious than money.

There’s so little time. With stb-xDH and my work schedules, we had little time together. All the so-called relationship experts tell you to make the most of that quality time. But how when your SO’s spare time is devoted to his kids, not you? The only way it works is if by some sort of freak of nature, you enjoy spending time with your skids rather than detest every moment you have to look at them.

DH frequently drove 4 hours to go to soccer games, flew 10 hours to spend a weekend with SD, drove back and forth to pick up his boys and take them to a movie or see them at karate practice or Cub scouts. He always lamented not being able to spend enough time with them, how fast they were growing up, how much he was missing, how he wasn’t part of their daily lives. So he would never miss anything even when I complained I never saw him.

So, while he spent his precious quality time with his boys, the honey-do list was growing and I was at home doing all the things he needed to be doing around the house because he didn’t have time to do it. He felt he couldn’t miss a soccer game and someone else was going to mow the grass, trim the bushes, fix the running toilet and so on.

Apparently, my time was for doing household chores, while his is spending time doing fun activities with his kids.

Even the boys’ BM was pissed off and kept going off on him that she was stuck dealing with all of SS7‘s school problems, ADHD and behavior issues and DH got to be the fun Disney dad. But him doing more with SS7 just meant less he could do here and more things getting dumped on me.

DH could have paid for a reading tutor for SS7 or ADHD medication, but yes, he needed to spend more time with SS7. But that meant more time for his son, less time for me and less he could do here, more he was exhausted from driving back and forth.

Even when SD was living with us, time was the conflict. I resented all the time I had to waste dealing with her, cleaning up after her, taking her places, and time she was taking away from spending with DH and my son. If I just left all of that up to DH, then he would come home from work and rather than having quality time with me, it was more time wasted on his daughter and all of her problems.

And I do understand the financial aspect. Most couples fight over money, especially out of control spending by one person. When your SO is a Disney Daddy buying things outside of your budget there’s absolutely conflict. I was always angry that even when we were cutting back when we were having financial problems during the recession, DH was still paying for SD’s horse, her riding lessons, expensive summer vacations and so on while we weren’t skimping on everything to make ends meet and my son wasn’t getting any of those types of extras.

There isn’t a solution unless your willing to be a part-time spouse that does everything while your SO is spending all of his time dealing with his kids. A marriage can’t work with that. If it’s both of your kids, then you are both devoted to raising them. It would be different if you’re stuck washing the dishes while DH takes your child to soccer - not you get stuck doing everything while DH plays soccer dad to his kids and you get stuck doing all the things he doesn’t have time to do. It’s like time being stolen away from your family and given to another.