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Stepparents are able to see skids for what they truly are

frustrated-mom's picture

It’s amazing how often stepparents are the only people who are able to see see through all the lies, manipulation, deceit and general BS and see skids for what they truly are when no one else can.

When you’re right in the thick of things dealing with skids on a regular basis, but not having the type of bonds and attachments that parents do, you can see things their parents don’t. You aren’t looking at the skid through rose colored glasses nor are you suffering from guilt or fear of alienation. And you have the full picture - not the picture that skids want to paint for therapists and teachers.

But what pisses me off is how many so-called experts get fooled by skids into believing their lies and bullshit.

After everything that happened, SD15 still is able to have others wrapped around her finger getting pity, sympathy and coddled and no one is holding her accountable for her actions. (SD15 is living with her aunt and uncle in another state because of the problems she caused in our home).

DH received a phone call from her new therapist to discuss the issues with SD15 last week, and I can’t believe how badly SD15 & her aunt and uncle have distorted reality to the therapist. She is continuing to blame me and her father for everything that happened, not accept any responsibility for her actions.

She continues to justify the disrespectful way she treated her father and I. She isn’t the least bit apologetic about what she did. Nothing ever is her fault. She is a perpetual victim.

You’d think a trained psychotherapist would be able to see through the lies and crocodile tears and see SD15 for the lying, manipulative brat she is who has no empathy for others and is so self-centered she believes she’s the only person in the universe who’s matters. But, no. She continues to be enabled by professionals who tell her she’s right and her father and I are wrong.

I told him he needed to set the therapist straight and tell her what really happened, but when he spoke to her again, it didn’t help. The therapist still believes SD15 is a sweet & innocent, poor abused kid who was treated horribly by her wicked stepmother and kicked out of the house for no reason. It’s the same BS as the two therapists she had when she lived here.

The therapist laid into DH with all the problems that SD15 is facing (which is going to take years of therapy to fix - meaning tens of thousands of dollars for the therapist- what an amazing scam therapists have going) and gave him a list of “homework” assignments with books he has to read and tasks he needs to do. She also required him to fly there once a month to participate in a family therapy session (I’m not invited).

He completely buckled and agree to everything. Daddy Guilt won’t let him stand up for himself or for me. But there is absolutely no way he can afford to fly there every month.

Did the therapist want to talk to me? Did she want to know my side of the story? No, I’m just a stepmom so what I think doesn’t count.

All DH keeps hearing from SD15‘s aunt and uncle is how well she’s doing, how well behaved she is, how well she’s doing in school, how responsible she is and them blaming him and primarily me for why things didn’t work out with her living with us. They’re completely fooled by her and Dr Jekyll & Mr Hyde personas.

SD15 is still refusing to speak to her dad, and her aunt and uncle say they “respect her decision”.

DH feels like a failure as a father. He’s taking it very personally and I feel so sorry for him. He’s still distraught over having to send SD15 away. I hate that we’re the getting blamed and no one is holding SD15 accountable for her behavior and keep excusing it away with psychology BS.

I wish I had video taped SD15‘s antics here towards me to show them what their precious angel is capable of.

I don’t see what good therapy does when they believe the lies and the story the way the kid wants to spin it. If you want a real assessment of a kid, ask their stepparent. They know the truth.

Comments

frustrated-mom's picture

I agree with you, but PAS is less concern than them just letting her do anything she wants and making excuses for her bad behavior. There's really no case for alienation considering how long my DH was an absentee father for and how bad that makes him look.

DH appointed her (maternal) uncle and aunt temporary guardians. He can cancel that at any time, but her living with us is not an option. I won’t allow her back our home unless her attitude significantly changes.

Since her uncle and aunt have a much closer relationship with SD15 than he does, DH is letting them have free reign. I think that’s a mistake, but I’m a stepmom so my opinion does not count.

This isn’t a typical divorce situation. SD15 was the result of a stupid drunken casual relationship DH had as a teenager. DH has been barely involved in his daughter’s life before last year and even he will admit he made serious mistakes that reflect very poorly on him as a father. And they continue to use these things against him, which is truly unfair. He’s tried to make amends the best he could.

BM lost custody of SD about 10 years ago and SD and her two siblings (all by different fathers) went to live with their grandmother who raised them until last year when she passed away and SD15 (then 14) came to live with us.

SD’s maternal relatives make it seem like DH abandoned her, but there’s a long complicated story involved. (While he never developed much of a relationship with her, he did financially support her.)

The rational behind allowing SD not to talk to her dad involves a whole bunch of psycho-babble her therapists keep spewing that since SD15 was abused by her mother’s boyfriend when she was little, she has major trust issues, feels abandoned by her father, and now feels completely betrayed by him when he “kicked her out”.

Her aunt and uncle believe that DH has to work to regain SD15‘s trust and that it’s all up to him and what the therapist is working with him on.

Seriously, I wish someone would tell SD this is how things are going to be and this is what she needs to do and not except no for an answer. But no one will lay down the law and be strict with her.

This is an impossible situation and I’m coming to the conclusion the best it would be better to convince my DH to just let SD15 go. He’s just setting himself up for failure, misery and more rejection.

Anon2009's picture

My SDs were molested by several of men BM had living with them. I don't think the way the therapist is handling it is right, but I will say these kids have very real trust issues. I can also see how it would be hard to accept being parented by someone you haven't seen a lot in your life, even if he is your father.

I don't think the way SD is handling it is right either- she needs to realize everyone makes mistakes. But it appears she has a lof of real issues to work out and that won't happen overnight. I think she needs a caring therapist who will show her empathy but also make her do some hard work. How did she wind up with her current therapist?

frustrated-mom's picture

I’m now sure how she end up with her current therapist.

The aunt and uncle picked the therapist (part of the problem) and though DH is now getting involved, they controlled the initial information going to the therapist - which I realize is major problem.

When SD first came to live with us and we started having problems, all we heard from her maternal relatives was how they didn’t believe she could be acting the way she was, what a perfect angel she was who was so mature and grown-up and took care of her grandmother and deserved to be sainted. They believe she can do no wrong.

In hindsight, this whole process of her moving to her aunt and uncle’s could have been done better, but there’s been a lot going on, a lot of stress and it’s nearly a 1000 miles away. And we certainly weren’t prepared for what happened she came to live with us. Neither of us knew what this kid was going to be like.

DH is getting involved now, so he isn’t being excluded.

While him flying up there once a month for family therapy sessions is probably a good idea, but it’s not financially feasible and I don’t want him gone that often. He has responsibilities here and SD15 is a lost cause.

frustrated-mom's picture

Yes, he is the world's biggest Guilty Daddy and that's prevented her from being parented at all, but I don't blame him. He feels terrible for leaving her in the situation she was with BM and not being around more. But it's also the issue of SD15 absolute refusing to be parented. She doesn't want anything from him (even money) and refused to follow the most basic rules out of pure spite.

It came to the point where it was impossible for her to live with us.

workinthruthetoughstuff's picture

Give it a little time. I know it is hard and I hated it every time someone told me the same thing, but her behavior will come out there as well. You know what you saw and dealt with, just like I know what I saw and dealt with. It took a few months for BM to see what I saw and dealt with, then a few more to admit it to us. People that play the victim are good at and will keep at it so that they never have to take responsibilty for their actions. You can't change that. And if your situation is anything like mine - calling her out on it just made the mess a whole lot worse. Be there for your husband. Support him. Help him be strong.

Good luck to you both.

Doubletakex3's picture

I had a therapist tell us that stepparents are able to be objective as opposed to bioparents. She suggested that my DH accept the gift of objectivity instead of becoming defensive when I shared my observations. She may as well have told him to jump over the moon.