HELP!!!!! Advice needed please
I have been a single mother to a daughter for most of her life. Her father I divorced over 8 years ago she is currently 16. Her father has no part of her life never has, he currently is living in the woods he is a homeless crack head. I have been involved in a live in relationship with a man that has two kids a daughter 14 and son 8. Of course the two girls get along one minute and they are at each others throat the next, that is normal sister like behavior. My concern is my boyfriend doesn't like my daughter! he barely speaks a word to her or acknowledge's her exist in the house. We have his kids every other week, and I treat his kids like they are my own, but he doesn't even speak to mine. Hisa daughter teh 14 yr old is having sex like crazy , I found an open condom wrapper in her room and took it to him for him to do something take her to the ob or something. He did nothing yet if my daughter is late coming home he is livid!!! what is going on??? I finally told him yesterday I realize that you don't care for my daughter and she is nothing more than a thorn in your side but she is my daughter and will be with me for the rest of my life... all he said was and your point is... what do I do?????
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please give me some
please give me some advice... I am to the point of packing up and leaving because how do you ask you daughter to live in a house where you not acknowledged??? I mean I find myself letting her go stay the night somewhere to where she doesn't feel like she has to sit in her room. is that really how it is supposed to be... On top of it all when we first started our relationship, she called my boyfriend "dad" which was amazing! she has never ever done that and now for him to act the way he does towards her... HELP!!!!!
Perhaps he does not care
Perhaps he does not care that much about even his own daughter, if he did not address the condom wrapper issue? I'd reassure your daughter on that point too and tell her it's very ironic but to reprimand someone is a demonstration of love really. He has not got the balls to deal with his own daughters though? Something amiss there, I would like to say that if you and DH get in a quarrel about this then your daughter might want to stay in her room! I found that to be the case with my SS's. DH and I have had some blow out quarrels about raising kids! I decided to accept that it's his responsibility, ultimately it will be theirs and 'on them' so to speak. I just do not tolerate bad attitude or ill manners from them. Keep a lid on it until they are old enough to leave home, basically. Your daughter knows when she is right or wrong and whether or not she deserves a reprimand, if it comes her way from DH then she will learn. I'd be encouraging her to be accepting that maybe Dad does not want to deal with 'delicate' issues like condoms with his girls and have a giggle about it. The relationship really does go both ways, if your daughter remains in her room then the bond will not recur, it's a catch 22, I know, but I am sure your daughter is a good person and she will understand a lot more if you discuss all perspecives with her.
I wouldn't allow my daughter
I wouldn't allow my daughter to live in that type of environment. A mother's job is to PROTECT from any and all harm, physical and EMOTIONAL.
Wouldn't have it, wouldn't allow it, would not for one second permit it. Take care of your daughter. She will remember this, forever. She is counting on you.
I admired Jackie Kennedy & used her as a role model. She said: “If you bungle raising your children, I don't think whatever else you do matters very much.” I think we need to believe that while we are raising our kids so that we do our very best job.
Leave, get out.... if a guys
Leave, get out.... if a guys has a response like that he isn't good enough for you or your child!
I agree - Especially after
I agree - Especially after that type of response! Your job is to protect your children, and if she is uncomfortable in her house, where is she going to get that comfort?
I have been a single mother for over 10+ years before I met my DH, and one thing he knew before we lived together is my kids come first! If not see ya later Charlie!
wellll, I can't say that I
wellll, I can't say that I didn't think that would be the response that I would get. I've cried and prayed, and looked over certain things thinking maybe it's just a phase or something. But I just really think it's not going to get any better. It did for awhile, but then xmas came around and I took the two girls shopping and that started it again. See his daughter is a bigger weight than my daughter and jeans were a bit of an ordeal. you really can't blame one child vs. another for their size , or how they are in school, each is their own person. I think that the icing on the cake was 80's day at school both girls went wearing leggings and off the shoulder shirts - his daughter was sent home mine was not. and what do I tell his kids that I treat as my own, what do I tell his son who wants to know if I'm going to his game or if I will make his favorite dinner... not good on anyone I guess.
Be Strong about this!!! Do
Be Strong about this!!! Do what you know in your heart is right for your daughter. I know that two other kids may get hurt but they have a parents to get them through this. Now be a good parent to your daughter and think of her not the others.
You can't tell your daughter later, oh I choose to keep you in an uncomfortable household because I felt bad for someone else kids.
You have two years to become
You have two years to become her heroe. After 18, it is too late. I hate to bring this up too, but role modeling living with a man without marriage will also affect her.
Has he always been this way
Has he always been this way toward her or did it happen over time?
It happened over time.. like
It happened over time.. like I said when I first decided to move in he was happy that she called him "dad" .. they talked and joked .. then it started to just diminish. there is a two year difference between our girls so when school started mine was the "new girl" she got in with the in crown was voted for homecoming... our girls are very very different. Kel would have after school things to do decorate for homecoming, something with one of the clubs and his daughter would get mad because she felt like she had to stay home and watch the 8 yr old brother. So I wouldn't always allow mine to do those after school things so it would give his time to do whatever and mine watch the 8 yr old.His is sooo into her boyfriend that she has to ask her boyfriend before she does anything, and if he says no then she doesn't go .. mine is the opposite of that - then when his broke up with the boyfriend and locked herself in the bathroom and proceeded to start cutting, and mine was on the phone with me trying to get in the bathroom- it's like he got pi$$ed becasue I was calling him to go home and check on his own daughter. I've begged him to take his to the OB so they can talk to her about STD's and sex because she is soooo active at 14 and I know because she talks to me about it but I don't have that right to take her to the dr I am not her mother. He hasn't done it.. I can tell you that his main problem is when they both get together they get snoopy... meaning he left his emails open one day , he and I both were at work, they girls went to get on the computer and saw his yahoo open. mine called me at work while his read the emails outloud to me... they were emails to his ex girlfriend - both girls were active in it but his said she didn't know anything about it, so it laid all blame on mine. That's when it started getting bad.
Gotcha...I have dealt with
Gotcha...I have dealt with some of this is why I asked. It is something that has developed over time as a sort of competition between who's kid is the 'better, smarter, prettier, more talented' thing escalated. My BD 16 has always been blessed...she's tall, beautiful, nice, outgoing, talented, always has a lot of friends and is loved by most everyone she meets...my SD 17 is really the opposite, she likes piercings, strange colors of hair dye, ear gauges, dresses in gory t-shirts and has this hair style that's hard to describe..all toward the face and big, anyway...she is pretty introverted, and kind of bitchy...so doesn't have many friends. She's also had some promiscuity issues and just all around didn't live up to the expectations my DH had for her...he is very disappointed in other words. So...that was the setup...now BD is held to a higher standard, criticized, and withheld approval from to kind of level the field for SD 17. SD 17's behaviors are rationalized, excused, denied, mimimized....so she can basically kill puppies and get a pat on the back while BD 16 can't sneeze without him pointing out how loud it was. It becomes the good girl/bad girl game...what made it worse was when SD started acting out toward me and then I got pissed at her and refused to have a relationship with her...first thing he did was turn on me and BD. (There are two other younger children in the house that escape this thankfully). They will do anything to keep the blinders on with their kids and unfortunately that means they sometimes scapegoat...and what better scapegoat than a kid who appears to have it all together and alot going for them...
I could identify with your statement about letting her go elsewhere so she doesn't have to deal with it...I used to do that a lot too because I felt so bad for how he was acting. The difference is in your situation your DH admits he's doing it and seems unapologetic...mine outright denied it, said he'd change it and try harder, but then didn't. I downright asked him what she did that made him and his daughter hate her...so I could correct it, but they could never tell me...so I have to assume it's them and not her. I can totally relate, but I don't know if there's any fixing it....he has to want to make it better. I would say you have to at least take a stand and stop tolerating it for your daugther's sake...I know I had repeated discussions with him about it because it was something I would not just let go and let happen.
well I have tried to have
well I have tried to have discussions with him, it just escalates to where he is loud and ends up leaving. Then for the next couple of days we are all in silence - and we are not married so I have to wonder if it would only get worse.
Does he actually say why he
Does he actually say why he is so resentful of her to treat her this way? I couldn't get my DH to even admit to having the feelings...
If he admits the feelings and the behaviors then there is no discussion to have unless he's willing to change. I know if he said to me 'Sara, I hate your kid and there is no reason for it except I am sad my kid isn't like her...so I'm just going to keep treating her like crap so you need to get over it and accept it'...I'd be like...well OK then I guess we are done. Can't tolerate abuse of a child to make the grown man and princess feel better....
no - he doesn't give a
no - he doesn't give a reason.. all he said was and your point is what? which astonished me I just stood there not able to believe he came back with such a smart mouthed reply. I said I guess I don't have a point. that was yesterday morning, when I got home yesterday he had folded the clothes, unloaded the dishwasher and made a fire outside. that has always been his way of apologizing is to do something around the house. It was pretty much silence we had small talk but not about the conversation from the morning. there was one time - the girls had been into it and mine usually handles it herself without getting me involved.. but that time his daughter went for blood. my daughter had just got home from her aunts house that is the only contact that she has with her dad's side of the family. she was telling me about what they did and how her aunt wanted her to come to florida this summer and spend time with her. The next day his daugter while neither of us were there made a comment to one of her friends that had come home with her for the afternoon about my daughters daddy being homeless and a druggie... That was hitting below the belt in my eyes and I dang sure handled it when I got home. I wasn't ugly but I made his daughter aware very clearly not to speak of the situation with Kelsey' daddy, kel has been thru enough over her father and I will not allow that anymore. I told him that I was going to say something to her he seemed fine... well later she proceeded to sit down and draw this sweet little picture of my boyfriend , her BM her and her brother put their names above it and hang it on my freaking refrigerator... now this is a 14 yr old girl not the the 8 yr old and wrote above the people happy family forever... he dared me to take it down, said she was just drawing and that it was her family. NO that was a stab very clearily... that night was a throw down fight between us which ended in me saying you really don't like my daughter do you... his drunken answer was .. yeah Im really beginning to hate her.