I only read the first half cause it got a little long for me, but I see all the time how people react to my DH caring for our son. We went to my dads the other day, my cousin was there, and he was shocked that my DH came walking in, holding the baby and immediately laid him down to start changing his diaper, without being directed by me. My family is getting used to seeing it, but they were shocked at how much he does as well. I am somewhat amused by this, and somewhat offended. I get offended by the fact that society expects me to do the majority of the care taking. But I'm also amused by it. He is just as capable of feeding, changing and bathing our child as I am, why is it so shocking if he does so? And why does him doing so make it look like I'm not "doing my job"? It truely is pathetic that men are not seen as just as capable and fit as women. I will admit women are generally more nurturing though. Not the case with my DH, but in a lot of cases its mom who is the "nurturer". I guess thats why children are better off if their parents stay together...they get the best of both worlds 100% of the time. My oldest son doesn't get his parents together, but I am going to make damn sure my youngest and any future ones do!

"Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy"

I have to be honest, and when I read the article I kept thinking, "Why does it sound like they are saying it is worse on non-custodial mothers?"

I know I am only from one side of this, as the wife of custodial father, but I have thought alot about how BM must feel. I see the point, that it has been more common for dad's to be the NCP so they are let off the hook a little more when it comes to judgement when they are the NCP.

But I also think part of the reason it seems a bigger deal when women are faced with issues related to being the NCP is because women in general are more emotional thinkers.

I know DH was terribly upset when BM intentionally left his name off all medical papers related to SD, and even more upset when the DR's office still did not allow him access to the info after he provided the court documents to prove he had the legal rights. It took several calls and trips to the office to get it straightened out. But as a man, DH is not as likely to express the heartache he felt when faced with someone saying he was not an important part of his child's life. A woman on the other hand, is likely to talk about those feelings. I believe a woman is also more likely to get sympathy from others because of her feelings.

I do hope that stereotypes and prejudices will continue to fade as "the child's best interests" continues to become the basis of the family court's decisions.

Hey, and maybe if more mother's who are NCP's continue to speak up it will stop some of the crazy women who think getting pregnant to keep a man is a good idea. Won't sound so great if they knew they might just give birth and end up the NCp paying child support.

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, and I---
I took the one less traveled by,
and that made all the difference. -Robert Frost-

I haven't read the entire thing yet, but I am going to send it on to one of my close friends. She's a non-custodial mom...Such a sad story. She was a physically/emotionally abused stay at home mom to their two children and her ex took her to court for custody. She lost because of money. She didn't have any because she had been at home for years and he had oodles of it from an inheritance. The man was indicated by CPS for abuse on the children and still won because he didn't have to work and had all this money in the bank. Such a sad situation. She's the most amazing mother I've ever seen...

Anyway, I digress. I am of the understanding that this sort of thing is happening more and more often. (Oh, and for the record...my friend pays an outrageous sum of money for CS, just like any father would).

I am married to a CP father. I did not read the entire article, but here is where I stand. The BM that we deal with is unwilling to cooperate with us on ANY and I do mean ANYTHING with regards to the kids and co-parenting. We have allowed her access to schools, conferences, records, doctors what have you. I ALWAYS introduce myself as the SM since she is in and out of the picture. I have always tried to consider being in her shoes BUT this is my situation. I have the responsibility of school, discipline and life with full concern for the kids best interest in the forefront of my day and BM has it as an afterthought. THEN when the kids are upset because we think 10 is too young for a cell phone and BM wanting to poease the kids and be in their good graces so she runs out and buys them.

For us this all goes back to how much or how little involvement you have. We have ALWAYS informed BM of school programs and goings on of the kids so that she may attend. For many years she chose NOT to. Now that she wants to be involved she wants to come in and disrupt the family unit that we have created. We have worked hard to maintain a balance in our home only to have our BM do everything in her evil little powers to destroy that. NOW we find ourselves with a situation where BM has gone behind our backs and changed SS schedule without our knowledge or approval. So, what do you do? Do we go back and CHANGE it back? NO. We will no longer put her on the school records. WE have to deal with the attitude and disrespect as a direct result of crap that she tells SS. His behavior has been totally inappropriate at home and at school and it is all a direct result of BMs actions.

We recently told BM that she should look at the online school network where you can check the kids grades and every assignment for the school year to get a better understanding of how poorly he is doing and why we are removing things such as XBox, IPod and cell phone and that she should be interested in working WITH us to get him back on track. Bet you can't guess her response.!? That it is NOT her responsibility to work with US that she is only concerned with working with SS! Now explain to me how can one really expect that they are doing what is best for the kid when you've got someone undermining EVERY rule and consequence that you lay out?

So, maybe some NCP BMs get the shaft and maybe some don't. In our case we allow full access and when that access is abused we remove access. OH and SSs classes were changed because he felt that he didn't NEED to listen to the teacher because he didn't like her. DH and I said that was not how you handle things. That in life he was going to have situations where he was not going to like people and some of those may even be his boss, but he has to figure out how to make it work. SS didn't like that response. He then went to BM and she went right out there and "fixed" it for him. Arrrrrrrrggggggh!

Just because one opens her legs twice, does not a mother make! ~ ME ~ }:-P

at least 9 out of 10 that you'll hear about here ARE unfit and have proven themselves to be so. In my experience, NCP mom's that have no transgressions are the minority.

But if you ask any of them, it's never their fault. It wasn't their substance abuse or mental illness or social lives or just plain selfishness or laziness that got in the way of their being custodial parents. It was the evil judicial system or stepmother or biofather or as this article at one point suggests, patriarchal society who knows what excuses they can come up with.

I would think it is very rare for a NCP mom to have willingly given up physical custody because it was what was best for her child. And I'm a child who experienced it. My dad had custody for the first two years after my parents divorced so my mom could complete nursing school. As soon as she was done, we went back to her. It was a very practical situation. One we all knew was temporary.

"But society hasn’t fully caught onto the fact that the term “noncustodial mother” no longer suggests, as it once might have, that the child was forcibly removed because of the mother’s inadequacy"

NCP mother still suggests inadequacy because in most cases, it's TRUE. All of my evidence is purely anecdotal, but there is plenty of it.

I believe you're an NCP mom, why is that? Perhaps you add an anecdote on the other side.

BMs who gave up custody and that was by their choice. In both situations the BM had a great career with a great deal of income and the husband had little to none of either, but was intent on fighting for custody of the child.

Why the dads insisted on having the child when they had little to no income who knows (but I am sure it is not to collect child support, haha), but in both cases both moms said, ok, because it ended the marriage quicker and that was what they wanted.

They are the only 2 moms I have ever heard of that are non-custodial. To me it is unusual and right or wrong, it does make people wonder why. I do not know if there is any more to either story.

"A lie told often enough becomes the truth." - Vladimir Lenin