We plan on travelling when the monsters all leave home, that, and the love I have for DH and SKids is the ONLY thing that kept me going through years of pure hell. It's been going on for nearly 8 years and coming to an end...sort of.

Being a step parent is great, until the kids become aware that you have authority.

BM went between idle curiosity, placing herself at a locations she knew we'd be at, and resentment because the kids liked me, and then downright venomous when she realized that DH was not her puppet any more.

We did the 'do something she asked for' maybe every third or fourth time, so's the kids did not think we were being mean to her.

We paid her child support, even though we had the kids. She kept the SSI for SD's ADHD, we really were not so badly off finanacially that we needed to pursue her for money. The kids were with us and that was the important thing.

We actually did try to keep things evenly balanced for the sake of the kids but it got to be so hard to deal with for me personally. The hardest part for me was hiding my resentments, I honestly do not know many people who would not resent the crap that came from a BM who is psychotic.
My main resentment was DH's apparent connection with her when they talked and that she used to manipulate him...pass me a bucket! She knew every single button to push with him, she took a great delight in telling me that I would NEVER destroy the friendship she has with him. I do not know what to tell her there but DH does NOT consider her as a friend. I did not want to spoil her delusion...for the sake of the kids! We developed a 'code' word when we/he conversed with her that would alert DH to her manipulations, the word changed every time so she did not suss it out. I explained to DH that he was oblivious to her manipulations because of the old familiarity and he understood where I was coming from.
We have two BM's in our picture. I can get along with the other one very well, her and her entire family come to visit with our older boy and we all eat together. There was resentment from the two younger SKids that other BM came to visit but deep down they know how their mom is, that and she abandoned them both twice, so the resentments are really towards her but she's not available to take the feelings out on. Why else would they be so horrible towards me? They are not going to bite the hand that feeds them, their dad's hand. Kids need to vent too!!

I was raised that dignity was something not to lose, pride was dispensable. I never maligned BM 1 to the SKids, regardless of what she said of me. I actually made an effort to get along with her initially.
Kids grow and get the bigger picture much quicker than we imagine. Now I am seeing introspection with SD 17 and she is telling me that she now understands why I did the things she hated me for back then...going back 8 years here now, and she is currently in a secure juvenile facility where she is getting counselling and working on issues with all four of her parents. BM married a guy who is a total dick, BM took him to for a lot of money in the same way she took DH and her two husbands prior. DH never married her but was there for his kids sake. It really should be BM and her now impoverished ex husband who are behind bars instead of SD but SD made some bad choices herself so she understands better now and she'll grow up pretty fast. Her twin brother is just now at the stage where he's acting out and being a spoiled brat...what is it they say about a four year difference in maturity levels between genders? Oh dear! SS 17 does not live with us any more, he's 'the man' and wants his independance, and a truck, and dad still to foot the bill for him? I think NOT! DH is acclimating him to less and less from us.

I did not agree with DH's lack of discipline with the SKids, they ran buck wild, and it caused a couple of big fights between us. I took the advice of a counsellor, court ordered by a juvenile judge (SD has been in the system since she was age 13) and about four years ago I took steps back, or dissengaged as I hear it being called, and let DH find out for his own self how bad the behaviors really are. DH went into a bit of a depression when a counsellor obliged him to consider a few things, asking him questions and making him search his own mind and not actually be able to come up with any remotely plausible excuses for not chastising the kids. That lady was great!
I did not give DH a hard time though, the realization was sufficient consequence for him. He took the strategy of 'now you are older' this is how things will change and I commend him for that.
Some people really do get along better with more adult kids than younger ones, I believe that they can relate to older kids more easily. I also believe that as a mother myself, of three, that I was really in a better position to know, understand, and relate to the phases the kids went through.
All in all we survived these years, the kids will go on and do what they choose in life and the cycle begins all over again when they get their own kids, hopefully the have learned some lessins in what not to do!

We can actually look back and laugh at some of the episodes, I never did lose my sense of humor.