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The Neverending Story

glynne's picture

Submitted by glynne on Mon, 08/24/2009 - 6:10pm

Snyopsis: DH & I married 17 years. 26 YO SD. She and I have cold but polite relationship due to her manipulative, drama queen, dishonest behavior.

DH comes home from dinner with SD. SD is going to move in with BF of 3 months. DH wants to invite them over for dinner. That is okay - he can do the work. Then DH starts talking about going out as couples with SD and BF. I stopped him and told him that I support his time with SD but I will not be spending a lot of my free time with SD and BF. He argues back that SD is now 26, has grown a lot (I disagree)and that he would like SD and I to have a good open relationship. Unbelievable, here we go again. I have worked hard to maintain a polite relationship with SD but that is where it ends. I haven't seen a big change in her and I don't trust her. She has lied about me and is still disprectful to me in my own home! DH can't see this. DH has this dream of a close knit family and I am the bad guy again. UGH!!
I am so very tired of dealing with this issue over and over and over. I work hard and deserve my free time - I don't need more stress and I will not be coerced into weekly family nights.

Comments

Conflicted's picture

Submitted by Conflicted on Mon, 08/24/2009 - 6:19pm

Sounds like sd has some amends to make before you can even think about forgiving or moving on.... I'm sure you would feel more open to her if she would own up to her behavior, take responsibility & apologize... Oh and mean it too : )
Maybe you can explain that to dh?

glynne's picture

Submitted by glynne on Mon, 08/24/2009 - 6:30pm

And has been explained to DH many times over the years. SD & I even tried counseling but she no showed to the appointments: migraines, IBS, etc. If she fessed up to her behavior and said "Can we start over" - I'd have my doubts but I would do it for my DH's sake.

Glynne

Conflicted's picture

Submitted by Conflicted on Mon, 08/24/2009 - 6:37pm

Sounds like you've done all you can do... And good for you for going to the lengths you've gone! You sound like a very loving, forgiving, patient person. There has to come a point where you recognize that you've done all you can do and you're not giving anymore without some effort from the other side. It sounds like you've reached that point and if dh can't understand that I don't know what to say....

glynne's picture

Submitted by glynne on Mon, 08/24/2009 - 6:44pm

I am not perfect but I have certainly tried. I just wish DH would see it that way. He never will and I have to accept that. I just needed to vent and this is only place that I can do so.
Glynne

prayerhelps's picture

Submitted by prayerhelps on Mon, 08/24/2009 - 7:56pm

just finished a "love" group, and one of weeks talks about forgiveness. It made me realize that I can forgive my SD who has done the same things, and love her, but I don't have to spend time with her, forget all she has done (fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me). She is not turning out the type of person I will have any close knit relationship with, and that is okay. I have friends, relatives, etc... that I already like to hang with, why would I hang more than I want with someone I don't want to be around but in small doses.

Most Evil's picture

Submitted by Most Evil on Mon, 08/24/2009 - 8:02pm

I am at this same point with SD18 but I was not as good as you, only lasted 9 years before drawing the line. I think of her daily, I wish she would straighten up for her own sake and future, but I cannot reach her because she knows everything and she and BM are the ultimate victims. Oh, and they are a package deal, SD does not recognize she is her own person, she is literally an extension and reincarnation of BM, so far.

I am sure our DHs wish it was not like this, but we stepmoms are not blessed with the special goggles our guilt parent partners get. Smile
_________________________________________________________
Age cannot wither her, nor custom stale
Her infinite variety.

William Shakespeare, "Antony and Cleopatra", Act 2 scene 2

glynne's picture

Submitted by glynne on Tue, 08/25/2009 - 11:24am

I agree with all of the comments above. I'm a sober alcoholic and I understand how important forgiveness is and how resentment can lead to a drink. Here's some irony for you: while I was working the steps I made amends to SD for my drinking as a way of shutting her out! At least I know that I have tried. And as Prayer said I can forgive. Prayer, I feel the same way about my SD - she is actually the type of person that I stay away from and have worked hard to keep out of my life. Most Evil, my DH fears that SD will turn out the same as BM and I think that is why he continues to work on me. He thinks that I woulc be a good influence. We've been down that road and I was blocked with hostility and lies. Adn Stepaside, what you have endured is exactly what I'm afraid will happen if I open up again. Alanon was very helpful and made me understand that it is not my responsibility to fix DH's and SD's relationship. That I could be cordial and kind while still keeping my boundaries secure. I hope that one day my DH will understand as Stepaside's did but that's probably a long way off for me. I can handle a monthly family dinner that my DH prepares but that is where it will end for me. Also, this could be my DH's dream - the family outings, movie nights - and may not be what SD wants at all! Thanks again for all of your insight. It helps that you experience the same things. I don't feel so alone.Glynne