Ok a little back ground- DH and I met in 2006, SD was 7, we have lived together for almost the entire time, got married 3 years ago. We now have 1 year old DD. SD was living with her grandparents when DH and I got together- since then she has lived with us 2 years while her BM was in jail for drugs, etc. When BM got out, she took SD back to live with her and her parents. Last fall DH and I went through custody procedings for SD (BM and DH were never married and had a VERY rocky relationship). We now have joint custody of SD (BM had her pee in a cup for her so she could pass a drug test!)

So this summer while SD was visiting her grandparents she snuck out of the house and got in the car with a 14 year old boy who had been drinking- they wrecked the vehicle. This started the custody proceedings. Come to find out a lot had been going on we were unaware of. We finally got joint custody of SD and she came to live with us during the week and sees her BM on the weekends.

SD now HATES us. It's all our fault her life is miserable, which I expected. This summer she was saying all sorts of nasty things about her mother, but now she loves her mom and she's the best. I don't know what to do. I admit I'm hard on SD because I feel that I deserve respect in my home. She talkes back, yells at both me and DH, grades have started slipping and nothing we do seems to make a difference. Of course any discipline we dish out her BM goes against and lets her do whatever we've said she can't. DH and I have a 1 year old DD that I do not want to learn from her sister that it's ok to act the way she does. Last night was a breaking point for me...SD has a cold and DH was trying to give her medicine- and SD precedes to start yelling at him that he's not doing it right (not the way BM does it) ( all of this while my DD is asleep in the room right next door). I finally had enough and began to tell SD that I would not take her talking like that to any adult- she laughted at me! I really just want to not have anything to do with her, but I know that's not the right answer. What should I do? I refuse to be disrespected in my own home.