New here- help with SD
Ok a little back ground- DH and I met in 2006, SD was 7, we have lived together for almost the entire time, got married 3 years ago. We now have 1 year old DD. SD was living with her grandparents when DH and I got together- since then she has lived with us 2 years while her BM was in jail for drugs, etc. When BM got out, she took SD back to live with her and her parents. Last fall DH and I went through custody procedings for SD (BM and DH were never married and had a VERY rocky relationship). We now have joint custody of SD (BM had her pee in a cup for her so she could pass a drug test!)
So this summer while SD was visiting her grandparents she snuck out of the house and got in the car with a 14 year old boy who had been drinking- they wrecked the vehicle. This started the custody proceedings. Come to find out a lot had been going on we were unaware of. We finally got joint custody of SD and she came to live with us during the week and sees her BM on the weekends.
SD now HATES us. It's all our fault her life is miserable, which I expected. This summer she was saying all sorts of nasty things about her mother, but now she loves her mom and she's the best. I don't know what to do. I admit I'm hard on SD because I feel that I deserve respect in my home. She talkes back, yells at both me and DH, grades have started slipping and nothing we do seems to make a difference. Of course any discipline we dish out her BM goes against and lets her do whatever we've said she can't. DH and I have a 1 year old DD that I do not want to learn from her sister that it's ok to act the way she does. Last night was a breaking point for me...SD has a cold and DH was trying to give her medicine- and SD precedes to start yelling at him that he's not doing it right (not the way BM does it) ( all of this while my DD is asleep in the room right next door). I finally had enough and began to tell SD that I would not take her talking like that to any adult- she laughted at me! I really just want to not have anything to do with her, but I know that's not the right answer. What should I do? I refuse to be disrespected in my own home.
I feel for you. Sadly,
I feel for you. Sadly, sometimes our DHs and us try to do "right" by these kids when they are already so messed up there is no helping them without them treating us like crap and OUR families suffering. I think that if a kid has a loser parent, custody should be given to the other parent, but only if that kid is still small, ie. under 10-11 or so...after that, I think whoever messed up the kid should keep them. At the end of the day, you don't only end up with ONE messed up kid that hates you, but you end up with a whole family in turmoil as well...not sure that helps anyone else, not even the kid that the father attempted to "save".
I know my DHs kid wanted to live with us when she was around 9-10...I told DH that I had no problem, she wasn't too messed up then...when she was about 13 or so, DHs sister commented that the kid wanted to live with us, but by then, she was a nightmare. She constantly skipped school, ran around with boys, etc...I think she thought that DH would put her on a pedestal like he did before...but by then, thankfully, my DH understood that she would never tolerate the discipline in our home and although he asked her, he realized that she just wanted to move so that she could get away with even more. DH realized that we too have a family and it would not be fair to our family to now have to deal with her craziness...Of course, BM ALWAYS said "no way she will live with DH" and we would have had to find a lawyer, go to court, etc...which DH could not afford because BM had already scre@#$@#ed him through the Texas AG and left him dry.
I'm sorry you are going
I'm sorry you are going through this, I went thru a very similar situation. First off, as for joint custody, it doesn't work. It works for both parents involved but it really is havoc on the SC. Just when things start to get on a schedule with SD, she is back with her BM and then comes back to you and the process starts all over again, because, she has forgotten all the house rules in the short time she was at her BM's house. I've lived this. It's hard. My SD's BM would go out of her way to tell SD that she didn't have to listen to me. It makes things worse. As for you being hard on her, you are being a parent, not a friend. That's what she needs. SD also needs stability and 50/50 custody (if that's what you have) is not stability. We had the same agreement and it makes it harder to enforce anything. How old is she now? 14? If so, she is in the nasty, talk back, laugh in your face, makes you want to smack her in the head stage. You shouldn't be disrespected. How does your DH feel about all of this? Does he back you up? Are there ground rules in your home? Are they enforced with SD? I'm sure DH doesn't want your new little one to hear a lot of what's going on. What did DH say when she laughed at you?
One thing I've learned is it doesn't matter if their BM beats them with a red hot poker, the BM will always be the parent they look up to, feel bad for, want love from, etc, etc, etc. Disengaging will not help your BD when she get's older and see's how your SD is acting. Have you tried counseling for her? For the Family? With grades slipping, maybe something else is going on there. As for the backtalk, I hate to say it but it's normal. I remember giving it to my mother. My SD would scream at me. Should wouldn't do that to her mother because she was scared of her mother. If this is not daily (the disrespect) I would say to pick your battles wisely. I learned how to do that sometimes the hard way. Some things can be overlooked while others can not.
She is 13. Yes DH backs me
She is 13. Yes DH backs me up most of the time, but there are times (and I must admit that he is right) that he tells me it is pointless to argue with a 13 year old. I've tried to set ground rules, but I can't expect her to do things if DH doesn't do them (ie...pick up after yourself, etc.) Of course DH and I both work, so we can't be there when she gets off the bus to make sure that no tv, music, etc is going on while she's supposed to do homework. DH and I grew up very differently. I was to do homework and then chores before anything else could go on, when I give SD things to do around the house, she intentianlly does them incorrectly so that I won't make her do them again (I usually make her do it correctly with me standing over her shoulder). SD has just started seeing a counselor. We will have to wait and see what happens with that.
I feel like I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. It shouldn't be my responsibility to "take care" of everything for her. I love DH very much, but he has a lot of growing up to do as well, so it's hard to get him to see where I'm coming from.
OMG, the chores thing, so my
OMG, the chores thing, so my SD. She had one chore, to wash the dishes after dinner. She would purposely do it wrong. I would make her re-wash and re-wash. DH was the same way with picking up things, etc. Finally, I let everything go for an entire week, I didn't pick up after anyone accept myself. I didn't wash the dishes, didn't make dinners, did nothing. After a week, the house was in such disarray. My DH's brother popped in unannounced and DH was so embarrassed he finally began to pick up after himself and made her too. My DH and I were raised totally different as well, he had no chores and his parents gave him everything. I said he was raising her the same way. I wanted Homework done after school, he said she could do it after dinner. The problem with us SM's is that we love our DH so much that we try to help them out as much as we can and then become a doormat. It's hard to pull back sometimes and let our DH's handle it their way. My SD laughs about it now (she is 20) how she use to not wash the dishes properly so she didn't have to do them and how it didn't work. I explained to my DH back then that these are life skills she needs to function on her own someday. Good luck with the counselor. I hope things get better.
sd would always give some
sd would always give some bullshit excuse why she couldn't do the dishes. like: bd took a shower and there's no hot water. i have homework. (should have done it earlier!) i'm really tired and need to go to bed. i'll do them in the morning.
it went on and on. she never did them in the morning. the next night would be bd's turn, and she was then expected to wash what sd left the night before, plus everything from the current day. BULLSHIT. i always ended up doing them when sd didn't, because my kid is not getting stuck with that twat's work! i did end up going off on fdh about it, and his solution was to do them for sd. at first it pissed me off, but later i thought, fine whatever. don't teach her a damn thing, i don't care. it won't be my problem when she can't do basic things when she's out on her own.
I think our DH's need to
I think our DH's need to appreciate us more. I totally understand. Always have had this problem with my SD. I always have to do chores with her cause she's terrible at it. It's not an excuse though it's just her BM has never taught her to do it right. Just told her to do everything since she was very young. She's the parent at her BM's house to her younger brothers and it's sad. But that's where I made my first mistake over compensating for the way it is at her BM house! I just gave up and did it all. As for punishments since we can't work with the BM at all we just punish at our house and with what we provide. For example: she hates it when I email her teachers or check up on her. Well then do good on your own and I won't have too. Lol. Also we provide her cell phone which is a privilege not a necessity as most teenagers think. When she screws up we either limit it to very little usage or take it away all together. She hates that. Luckily for us her BM is so selfish she won't spend any $ on my SD. That's what worked for us. Good luck! I know it's tough. I have wanted to run away so many times over the past 11 1/2 years!!