Feeling like a roommate
Hello everybody,
It's Saturday evening and SS4 is finally in his room watching cartoons, which means me and DH could have some alone time. Thursday I have been with SS the whole day, gave him a bath, cooked for him, took the dog to the vet an hour away and DH came home in the evening telling me he already ate. I thought we were getting Mexican food that night for all of us, but I didn't get mad. I was tired to I decided to cook some hot dogs for myself. I asked DH if he could go buy hot dog buns and he told me no. After an hour I had to drop off my house keys to the neighbor so that he could take care of my dog the following day, I asked DH if he could please go and he told me no. The following day (Friday) we had a "family trip" where I almost had an anxiety attack at the restaurant. DH told me to calm down and that it's probably the meds (I have developed an itchiness on my body, particularly when I am anxious so the doctor gave me some steroids). The whole Friday night I had a stomach bug so I was feeling really sick. This morning, still feeling sick, I asked DH if he could go to the store and buy me a medicine and a Gatorade. He told me I don't need it, and I can make myself a soup and drink water, and that it was just a stomach bug, not a big deal. The whole day was spent listening to SS's cartoons super loud and hearing him scream. Well, I spent my day closed in my room minding my own business. Tonight me and DH are finally alone in the room and he tells me that tomorrow I will have to take care of SS for 3 hours while he goes to the airport to pick up his coworker. I told him no, I won't do that. He can bring SS with him and give me a break. He got all mad and now he is spending our only night by ourselves downstairs. I tried to go downstairs, asking him if he wanted to do something together: watch a movie, play a game, talk... he said he doesn't want to do anything. So, once again, I am here in my room alone and I will probably spend the whole night here alone.
It's been like this for a while. We had problems before SS came with here with us full time, but they were not huge. Now it's like we are roommates. We sleep in separate rooms sometimes, everytime we have some alone time SS stays crying outside of the door, I dread going back home. I never liked the gym and now it has become my safe place. I feel relaxed, motivated, happy when I am there. Free. But then I have to hurry up, because I have a house to clean and a child to pick up from the babysitter, and a rommate-husband. I'm at a point where I am seriously doubting my marriage. If I have to live my marriage secluded in my room, I might as well doing it alone. I am being consumed by my anxiety. I am tired of cartoons. I am tired of hearing a toddler crying. I am tired of cleaning the house and the next day it's already a disaster, of a husband that claims that he is changing and yet he can’t even take care of himself or his family. I am tired.
- GreenB's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
Ungrateful
A man that tells you "no" when you ask him something while in need, doesn't respect you. I don't know you and won't judge you but you definitely settled. You deserve way more than that. You're taking care of a toddler (hardest thing ever) that is not even yours and your husband has the audacity to treat you this way and refuse you things that you need? It's always hard to leave someone we love but I promise it does NOT seem like it is going to get better. He is disrespecting you. He sounds like a good manipulator too. Getting mad at you and leaving your room to go sleep downstairs seems like a great tactic to have you beg for his time and potentially change your mind in watching SS.
The way he is cannot be changed through therapy or counseling, it is just plain mean and petty and he clearly does not care about you if he denies you help when you're sick/in need. If you're able to leave, please do because it just sounds like he wants to keep you around for when he needs you for the child or just for the pleasure of having a woman at home, that's it. You deserve way better.
A month ago I asked for a
A month ago I asked for a divorce. He told me no, started crying and told me that he wants us to work. I know he wants to make this work, but I don't think he knows that this behavior only pushes me away. I don't know what I will do, I guess I am just waiting until I am financially more free so that I can make a decision. He keep saying he will change, he improves for a week and then the following week he acts like this. I feel like I am wasting my time, and I told him this too. I don't even feel bad anymore. He wants to be mad at me? Fine, I'll stay in my room by myself. I'm not a vengeful person, but I asked him a few little favors and he didn't do them, so I won't be helping SS either. Next week he can figure out a full time babysitter for SS or take him to work with him.
You are right, I know exactly why he acts like this. He pretends to be mad, just so I can agree to take care of SS tomorrow. But I won't do that!
That's just it, you are
That's just it, you are wasting your time. He only behaves better for a few days and then drops the ball. He is not going to change. He's crying not because he doesn't want you to leave but because he knows he'd have to do all the donkey work with his son.
Oh, and you don't ask for a divorce, you tell him you're getting a divorce. He can't stop you.
Now start getting your ducks in a row, make copies of all important documents, talk to a few lawyers, start looking for a place to move into, etc.
How long have you guys being
How long have you guys being married? When did his behavior towards you start changing? You say that he wants you guys to work but it always go back to square one. Let me tell you something, if he really wanted to change, he would. You wouldn't have to worry about him being good one week and acting petty the other. I know you probably love him and I know the thought of leaving him completely may be hard but I promise you that this is what you need to do. You sound like you're young and life is way to short to be living this way. I'm almost in the same boat as you. Got married at 21, 3 stepchildren moved in full time just 2 months after our marriage and life has been super hard since. Many times I have wanted to leave him and kept on telling my friends that I will once I'm set financially but it was too hard because I loved him. All the kids have behavioral problems that we are trying to work on. I used to stay in my room all the time too to avoid them especially when my husband wasn't here but the thing is my husband (even though it was super hard for him too as he hadn't seen them since they were babies so he was basically like a new dad) has done his best to help me mentally. Even before the children came, I never once asked him to get me something and he refused, EVER. He is been even more attentive to my needs ever since they came. He is not perfect but he tries to at least treat me like I deserve to be treated. We can even say that this is the bare minimum in a man.
I'm telling you that to let you know that your situation is not a normal marriage at all. He is supposed to be your protector, the person that you can go to and he should take even more care of you because you're taking care of his son when you don't even have to. Being a stepmother is hard and can be even harder when young and not having any children of your own. I'm now about to turn 23 and it has definitely be the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. It's like I lost myself to my situation and everything in my life revolved around me being a stepmom. I had to be strong and remind myself that I'm more than just that. I'm young, educated and got my whole life in front of me to accomplish many more things on a personal level. You can do the same too. I want you to leave so you can find yourself again.
With all the stuff that you're enduring mentally, with taking care of a home, a toddler, plus having a husband that barely cares except when you threaten him of leaving, you will never be happy. Once you're set financially or if you find somewhere to stay, please leave.
He doesn't want to "make it work"
He wants to continue to make YOU work for HIM and his previously enjoyed family.
He's a selfish, inconsiderate
He's a selfish, inconsiderate user. Remind yourself that you are not his maid nor his nanny. His child is his responsibility, not yours. He won't even fetch you meds when you're sick? What hind of a "husband" does that? A waste-of-space one who cares about nothing and nobody beyond his own comfort.
I'd be out of there like yesterday. At the very least, go away somewhere (family?) for a couple of weeks to give your DuH time to understand how much you do and how hard it is to look after a toddler. His toddler. The toddler he's supposed to be raising and not just parking on anyone who is available (unfortunately, that's you most of the time).
This is pure drudgery you are living in, that's no marriage.
So you’re sick and tell your husband/partner to buy some meds
He tells you no and that you, a sick person can cook yourself some soup?? Did i read that right??
a real man and husband would buy you takeaway food you could eat if he couldn't cook for you and so you had some leftovers for the following day, a real man would buy you meds and not tell you to cook food for yourself with a side of "watch my son tomorrow for something not important" like picking up a coworker.
I guess you have proof how much of a non priority you are to him that he has placed you lower in status that his coworker. Hun these aren't good signs at all and I wouldn't remain in any relationship like this
My ex husband refused to help
My ex husband refused to help me once when I was sick. Could barely get him to bring me crackers from the pantry. EX for a reason.
When i was pregnant with our daughter, ss17.5 went to
Veggie compartment of our fridge where i hid all my gatorade/powerade bottles as i had hyperemesis gravidarum. When i was puking so bad i meeded to drink a bottle of that before i could hold down water. In the span of 8 hrs overnight when he should have been sleeping, ss raided the fridge and drank 5 x 500ml bottles.
i lost it with hubby and my husband from work says "don't worry i will get you some more on the way home after work. I asked him what i was supposed to do in the meantime because his rude selfish son decided to take my things. Never again dia that happen from ss
time for my usual question
Where do you see your relationship in 5 years?
He's treating you like a roormate, that's why you feel like one but really, he's treating you less than he'd treat a roommate. He's treating you like you do not matter. You do matter. You do have a voice that should be heard. He's manipulating you and sadly, he probably son't change. Why would he? he thinks it's working just fine the ways it is now. I don't like to suggest people leave their marriages or relationships but I will suggest you be prepared to make yourself important since he's not even trying.
Your DH sounds like a man
Your DH sounds like a man baby, who has a fit when he doesn't get his way.
I say start standing up for yourself. Set limits of what you will and will not tolerate. If that ends up in divorce then it's no loss to you.
Bottom line is you deserve to be with someone who treats you well and respects you. If DH can't live up to that, then move on.
I ended a 3 1/2 year relationship with a guy who by all accounts I thought was my soulmate. For the first 2 years everything seemed perfect. I felt like I was on cloud 9 all the time. We had an amazing life and I even had a great relationship with his son and family.
Fast forward, he started becoming very inconsiderate of my needs. Not showing up to places in time and making me wait 45 min to over an hour. Cancelling plans or changing them last minute. Not paying attention to me when I would come to see him. Calling and texting me less frequently. Not going on vacation with me when we had plans to do so.
I took a week off to care for him when he had surgery. He couldn't be bothered to come for me even though it was scheduled for when he was already off.
I set limits with him that his behavior was selfish and taking me for granted. I told him when you love someone they shouldn't have to tell you how to treat them.
He wouldn't change and when the behavior continued. I walked away. When you love something let it go, if it's yours it will come back. He never tried to get me back. He just tried to tell me how I was being crazy. A good man will admit Thier mistakes and try to make them right.
Sounds like time to go, as
Sounds like time to go, as far as I'm concerned. You let him know you were at the end of your rope and he won't change how he does things. He's selfish and inconsiderate and expects you to care for his son. Doesn't sound like you have children together - so what is keeping you there?
You can go and look for a rent to room somewhere
Or a sublease so you don't have to pay all the deposits and just take over someone's rent to get out . I would
I just got a call from dear
I just got a call from dear neice she is leaving for the next few days because SO and YSD are driving her crazy because they do not know what to do without me there.
They don't appreciate my presence but cease to function without me.