I don't know how to speak to my partner about his son

I don't know who else I can tell this to without sounding jealous or I hate his son. I live in the UK and I know most of you are from the US. I think I have seen some UK SMs too.

My partner's son sat 11 plus and got a high enough score where it is absolutely certain he would get into the selective school. We are in North London area so these schools are very hard to get into. Of course I am happy he got in but it’s been almost three weeks since he has gotten his results and everyone is constantly talking about it and flattering him. He is even getting away with bratty behaviour from my partner because he did well. It is a constant treats and doing whatever he wants to do all the time. I am so tired of celebrating him.

Even his mum expects to be celebrated. She is riding the single mum, whose child got into a top selective school. I do agree that his mum has really worked hard to do all the 11 plus prep with him. But, she is using it to make herself look like the better parent and the amazing mum even towards my partners parents. My partner mum even made a comment in front of me that my partner could not have picked a better mum for his son and how dedicated his mum is to him and its a shame my partner couldn't be more appreciative. Apparently my partner's son mum expected my partner to thank her for being a good mum.

I do agree his mum is dedicated to him but I don't think it is a good thing. Her whole life revolves around him. She is a tiger mum who is living vicariously through her son. My partner son also has an unreasonable expectation of parent-child relationships because he has such a large say in his mum's home. It has gotten to the point where if you don't ask his opinion on stuff or he doesn't get his way he refuses to engage. For example, if we are going out to eat, if I want to eat Chinese for example and he wants to eat Italian. If we go to the Chinese restaurant he would absolutely refuse to eat anything and get all silent and refuse to interact. He would rather skip a meal than comply with not getting his wish. He would absolutely refuse to do chores or small errands unless he is paid also. Whereas his mum treats him as an adult who has opinions.

But it is hard to comment on some of his bratty ways because his teachers have nothing but positive things to say, grandparents comment on how good of a child he is and when I complain it’s because I don't like him. I don't think he is a bad child, he is just VERY stubborn and defiant. I think there is also an element of that, that is good in some areas because he is persistent and diligent in school but in other areas it is just rude and bratty. He is the absolute meaning of my way or the highway.

He is also a complete smart alec, and likes to continuously point out whenever I am wrong which drives me nuts. My partner and his mum thinks it's cute but I do not. Nobody likes to be told 'I told you so' all the time. I guess him getting a good score is just making me realise how arrogant he is becoming. I also think there is a level of being Mr. Perfect with his teachers and people who perhaps treat him as an equal.

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Oh will the landing hurt when

Oh will the landing hurt when life knocks him off his pedestal!

Exactly because no one like

Exactly because no one likes being around arrogant people especially because they do not know everything. The point I am trying to get across to my partner is that he will be this way as an adult too. And all the accomplishment will mean nothing if you are not likeable.

Can you have a quiet talk with your partner?

I'm wondering if you could have a quiet talk with your partner and bring this up. Maybe say something like, " I worry about SS. It feels like a lack of respect when he " kids" me. I'm worried that teachers, bosses ( add other authority figures) won't understand his sense of humor. He has such a bright future, I'd hate to see his prospects dimmed by this".

You and I know you shouldn't have to soft-pedal this but I doubt if your partner could hear straight talk. It would drive me nuts, too. My DH was deaf to any criticism of YSS, too.

When I do bring it up, it

When I do bring it up, it goes one of two ways. He either says, he (his son) was right though about that particular thing, I am just picking on his kid. Or if he punishes his son, he gets the silent treatment from his son which goes on for hours he is so stubborn. Then my partner feels bad about the silent treatment he apologises to his son. And then it happens again and this reoccurs.

His new trick now is prefacing his smart alec remarks with 'I don't want to come off as a smart alec but...' or 'I know the correct answer but I don't want to be a smart alec so I won't say'.

And the answer to that is,

And the answer to that is, "You're right, nobody loves a smart arse. " If challenged, you can say you were only agreeing with the kid (shoulder shrug - what did I do wrong?).

At this stage there isn't

At this stage there isn't much you or you DH can do to change his behavior but you should ask your DH to enforce that his son treats you with respect.

Kids that do well in school can before over confident little jerks. It's ok to be proud but there is a line between beinghave pride and being boastful. When you're boastful and treat others worse for it then it's just plain rude. It would be a good time for a lesson in humility. Schools like to see volunteer experience, maybe it's time for your SS to think about bettering the world and helping others and not just himself?? Suggest some volunteer opportunities to you husband as college prep.

Life is not like school with assignments and clear cut rules or grades. Plenty of people who do well at school end up doing lousy in the real world, or stay in school forever and become an academic because that's their comfort zone.

That is a good idea to get

That is a good idea to get him volunteering. It will probably get his mind off of school too. He definitely a little jerk in a nerdy way. I am also hoping in his new secondary school he will realise he isn't the brightest bulb in the pack.

At this stage there isn't

At this stage there isn't much you or you DH can do to change his behavior but you should ask your DH to enforce that his son treats you with respect.

All the over-the-top praise

All the over-the-top praise of SS and BM sounds nauseating, and refusing to eat unless he gets to choose the restaurant? That is just bratty. TBH, they aren't treating him like an adult because an adult would not act like that. They are raising him ro be a spoiled little sh!t. I just wanted to sympathize. I don't have any advice if you're DH won't listen. If he says something insulting to you, try looking directly at him and saying in a serious voice "that is a really hurtful thing to say.", especially of your DH ir someone else is around. Maybe that will take the wind out of his "fake-joking" sails if he can't pretend he thinks it's all just a joke?

Sometimes my partner sees

Sometimes my partner sees what I am saying a does try. It is just he is so defiant that he rather create an upset than comply. He doesn't want to be made to apologise or be in the wrong. He is always right or he gets pouty.

Yep he just sat in the restaurant and refused to order and refused to talk. Then my partner apologised because his mum was coming to pick him up and he didn't want him to leave on a bad note.

Here is what I would do

SS needs you to stand up to him. So, get ready for pushback, but I would say something when he "jokes". Something along the lines of "well, isnt that nice - well no its not very nice at all."

SD14 Munchkin is GENERALLY really sweet and kind, but there have been times when she morphs into "Pouty McPouterson".

And it was exactly the same thing that you describe! In fact, She wanted pizza, and because I was trying to lose weight (down 16 lbs!) I wanted vietnamese pho, which is really popular. The two restaurants were right next to each other. I was adamant about wanting healthy, DH could go either way (and he was paying), and Munchkin was adamant about pizza.

We went to the Vietnamese place, she pouted, until DH told her "stop being that way or we'll go home" and she ordered her favorite dish anyway. This was a few years ago.

Just a few weekends ago we went to a flea market. She got a statue for $5 USD. I didnt bring cash with me, so asked DH to loan me money. I bought 2 things, he bought 5 things, including a cool stone sphere I wanted (and got).

Pouty McPouterson whined "I only got 1 thing!" Note: she does 1 chore to earn her phone. She doesnt have ANY chores. Therefore no allowance. So her "getting things" without earning them is an issue for me. We have her week on/week off.

My retort to that comment was "well BOO HOO!" You might try commenting on SS's silent treatment or you can go the other way and TOTALLY ignore him and really ENJOY yourself. For me, I comment. I call her out on it pretty much every time now.

We dont have a LOT of extra cash. But we DO have a decent house in a decent area, have nice vehicles, and eat REALLY well.

Your SS sounds insufferable. Rude. I think I would end up completely disengaging. And those comments "what a great mum". Sheesh! Golden Uterus who gave birth to Golden Child needs a "Mother of the Year" award and an engraved trophy....

He is insufferable. He

He is insufferable. He constantly has to exert how smart he is all the time. I swear even going to the shops with him, I picked some cereal up, they had an offer on two smaller packs as oppose to one big pack. So I picked up the two small packs because I assumed it was cheaper. He took out the two small packs and put it back on the shelf and put the bigger one in and said it was 7p cheaper (he was right, but he didn't ask before he did this). I have no problem with him saying it and giving the adults the decision in the end and of course my partner was yet again impress by his little genius. But I feel like it was showing me up and emphasisng how smart he was. When I brought it up to my partner, he said he was right and he didn't see the issue.

He would rather we went home than stay in a restaurant he didn't want to go to. The waitress tried so hard to entice him but he would not budge. Honestly he is so stubborn. I do think the silent treatment is a game to him because he knows my partner would break first every time.

He does have his moments where he is a sweet kid too but its getting hard to see it when he is being smart mouth.

Fuff

Well, when he does these things, its absolutely NOT about being RIGHT, its about being HELPFUL or KIND. Does your partner really not see it? So what if hes right?

Sometimes SD14 does this. I then go OVER THE TOP with my thank yous thats very nice and smart of you. it shuts her right up. But you can also point out 'hey thats my stuff...!"

Still if hes right and being rude, you can make a point of telling him "ok thanks but you know what - you can do it a lot nicer."

Exactly, there is a way to do

Exactly, there is a way to do it without being a complete showboat. My partner was all, he is a kid he was just trying to be helpful. When I explain how it is a trend in behaviour, he said they were not related.

He does want praise and for us to stroke his ego every time.

There is a difference between

There is a difference between being smart and being an insufferable know-it-all and parents are the ones who are supposed to teach this. It sounds like your husband is more afraid to hurt his feelings than he is afraid of raising a douche.

There is nothing that you can

There is nothing that you can say or do that will change everyone's minds about the little lord. However, you can insist that he treats you respectfully. Call him out on it. You have to tread carefully because they will paint you with jealousy.

Disengage

I'm a UK SM I live in south London and my SS lives in east London with his mum. I don't hate SS but I disagree with alot of his behaviour and like you can't have much of a say as I'm not his bio mum or my comments are misconstrued.

I have decided to disengage, his behaviour and how he turns out as an adult is not your responsibility or problem. He is not your son and you shouldn't feel like you have to 'comply' with his every wish.

I'd suggest you tell your husband your requirements for his sons behaviour in regards to how he interacts with you and leave it at that. When hes disrespectful or a smart ass don't entertain it he makes these comments as he expects a reaction and thrives off it my SS is EXACTLY the same. It's your DH's role to parent not yours so if he doesn't want to parent when SS acts up that's fine just aslong as he is respectful to you in your home.

My approach is now that I don't engage in situations that haven't been directed to me I ignore SS when he pouts and tries to do show and tell about how amazing he is and it drives him crazy. Be grateful for the silence when he gets stroppy atleast you dont have to listen to his bs for a few hours!

It gets easier when you care less and react less and nobody can be mad at your lack of input cos you technically haven't said anything controversial!

Let them all entertain him, when he gets older and life kicks humility into him you would have got the last laugh without any of the stress.

Good luck! Feel free to message if you ever want to rant x

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I don't know how to speak to my partner about his son

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