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DH came through....another step in our journey

halo1998's picture

I had to have a tooth removed last week. Apparently, when our dog hit me in the face with his head about 5 months ago, he cracked my tooth vertically and just about knocked it right out of my head.  I knew it was loose but I figured it would tighten up on its own. needed to be removed and replaced with an implant.


So last week I was scheduled for the removal and the implant screw placement.

Rather than assume that DH knows he needs to be available and take care of me should I need it...I was upfront and direct this time.

I told DH a few weeks in advance. 

DH, I don't know how this tooth removal is going to go.  It could be nothing but it could also be painful for that first day or so.  I need  you to make me a priority.  That is I need to be your main focus that day at the very least.  I don't want to hear you have work, SD or anything Beaver related.  I'm being upfront...and in the past you have not really been there for me when I had surgery etc.

*Back story.....about 5 years ago I had my thyroid removed.  While Dh was here...he was distracted and my mom ended up taking care of me for the most part for the first few days.  Then not even a week after the removal...I still had stitches, etc....GWR's drug us came to light and we had to deal with all of that.  So I virtually got no healing time and DH was not the best at being attentive.  He did step up a bit during that time when my calcium levels dipped so low that my muscles were contracting but that was because he realized I was about be admitted to the hospital etc.*

I still harbor restentment over the fact I couldn't have a week to recover before dealing with GWR and Beaver, etc.  

I made my tooth appointment on a week we do not have SD and on a day SD does not work, just to be sure DH wouldn't be divided etc.  Sure enough the day before my tooth removal...SD tells DH that she has to work the next day and can he take her to work.

SAY WHAT....DH tells SD..."well Halo has tooth removal tomorrow and I will see how she is feeling and maybe I can take you."  

OH HELL TO THE NO THERE DH.....I told DH....I'm concerned that all SD heard was you will take her. She will not have another ride set up etc. "

DH thought a minute and said.."your right..she will just assume I'm taking her.  Let me tell her to find another ride.  I don't want to not be there for you again."  AND HE DID JUST THAT.  He told SD..he couldn't do and low and behold Beaver actually took her kid to work.  Praise the diety you worship...its a freaking miracle.

DH was there for me all day the day my tooth was removed.  He had soft foods available, looked up what all I needed to do to take care of the gapping whole..and made sure I was his priority. Gotta say...he really did step up this time. seems that therapy is working on both our parts...mine..I was very upfront with my needs...and DH paid attention to my needs and was there to meet them.


Shieldmaiden's picture

I am so happy for you, halo! This is progress. Dh seems to  need a lot of direction, but if he improves and continues to improve, then maybe he is worth it. 

I know my Dh has a lot of emotional baggage from how he was raised, and he seems to be working through it. I know we all have our blind spots, so I try to be patient with him. But sometimes I just want to scream at him to see reality, instead his hopeful fantasy. 

Hang in there. Feel better soon! ♥️ 

Merry's picture

Sounds like your DH is taking this marital journey seriously. Wonderful. That is a whole bunch of hope right there.

I also had to learn, and am still learning, that I need to ask for what I want. I can't think of one time my DH has denied me. But I can think of plenty of times when I didn't ask, and didn't get what I needed and got mad about it. So simple and yet it's still so hard sometimes. We do get in our own way sometimes.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

I agree that it sounds so simple, but was difficult for me to learn as well. Direct and clear communication is what it's all about, ESPECIALLY in stepworld. Because if we don't advocate for ourselves, nobody else will.

halo1998's picture

and then be mad that DH didn't do what I "thought " he should do. I have realized that I have to ask ...and unless I do he may not not act as I assume he would.  Been a learning experience for me.....

The_Upgrade's picture

I've noticed in my experience with ADHD, common sense ain't common. Unless you program him like a robot with your expectations, he won't get what the logical choice is and he won't act like you assumed he would because you assume he'd do what you'd do in the same situation. Only he's not you. And can't replicate your thinking patterns. Joys of ADHD and relationships...

thinkthrice's picture

Hints or subtlety.  Im convinced that is why they go out of their way to please the BM and skids as they demand in no uncertain terms what they want. 

JRI's picture

Your DH's actions are showing that he is serious.  I never pay attention to what anybody says, actions are my gold standard.  Congratulations!